(Please feel free to correct my PS here so that I may be able to improve my work. Thank you in advance!)
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My family belongs to the 58% of Filipinos who are classified as low-income families. Both my parents cumulatively earn less than $160 a month. That being said, my parents opted to send me to public institutions since elementary until highschool. Given the fact that we are financially challenged, I used this as an ultimate motivator to strive 5x harder than a normal student in terms of academics and extra curricular activities. I have been a consistent honor student since 9th till 12th grade. Infact, I graduated With High Honors, ranked as 7th in the whole batch in my previous institution.
For five years, I have been part of the Campus Journalism through the consistent award-winning official school paper of our school, XXX. My position started from Staffer, to Feature Editor, to Associate Editor, until I oathed to office as the Editor-in-Chief for one year before I graduated. Since I was a late-bloomer, it was in the latter part of my Junior High School when I started joining contests and brought the banner of my school in Divisional, Regional and even National Competitions. For three years in a row since 2017, I have won many contests in Journalism, specifically in the field of Feature Writing and Editorial Writing.
Not just that, I was also hailed as the first-ever champion of Extemporaneous Speaking Contest during the XXX in Region XX that was held in 2017. Starting that year, I've been making the name of my province ring a bell in the whole Region XX. That is the greatest feat I considered reaching so far in my Junior High School. When I was a already a senior, I didn't stop the passion in public speaking. I even joined the same contest again. This time, it tackles social and contemporary issues and by then, it started my interest in Political Science. In 2018, I won once again in our whole province as 2nd placer, but I claimed what is supposed to be mine last 2019. I sustained the title that I'm holding as the best extemporaneous speaker since 2017 and was hailed as the Champion in the whole province of XXX and became the 4th placer in the whole Region XX.
Since I have already a background and interest in the contemporary issues happening in our community and already had the guts to pursue public service, I ran as the President for Supreme Student Government (a student-led governance) in our school in 2018 but failed in my first attempt. The second time I tried, year 2019, I won but this time, I lowered my position, from XX to XX, due to the rules in our institution. Nonetheless, I still felt motivated to serve my schoolmates whatever my position might have been, cause I truly believe that whatever and however high you may get, if you have the guts to help, you must always stoop low to reach the hands of your constituents. In 2018, I also joined the community reach-out for less privileged kids in the community as a Humanities and Social Sciences student. And all my endeavors for the previous school year was never in vain because I, among all the students in our institution, received the Leadership Award (an award given to students who showed exemplary skills in leadership) given directly from the capitol house of the provincial governor.
Year 2020 was the most challenging year for me. Human as I am, I failed a lot of times too, but that didn't chained me from trying to help myself in college. It was the month of June, on its XX day, when my close friend introduced Korean Government Scholarship Program (KGSP) to me and since I was already self-studying Korean language through the K-dramas I've watched for a while now, I thought of it as an advantage and a better idea to use it to contribute to the achievement of my goals. Since then, I never slept soundly thinking that I should get a slot at all cost. By that very night, I searched immediately what it's all about, downloaded all of last year's guidelines and comprehended every item, every bullet. Since I have known KGSP, I have already been so excited to show off my skills in public speaking, journalism and how interested I am to study Political Science and International Relations in South Korea where I know the technology is advanced, the professors are indeed professionals and offers a higher-than-ever-quality education. I have downloaded the list of 2020 Undergrad passers and searched for their names and asked them tips about personal statements and study plans. Some failed to respond to my message but there were also some who were generous enough to share their knowledge to me. For two weeks and more, I have studied the guidelines of both Embassy Track and University Track. I also searched for the institutions that offer the said major and tried weighing it bit by bit according to my skills and capabilities. I tried so hard before finding my guts to apply and finally, I chose to be courageous and found myself testing my fortune.
The truth is, there are many scholarships abroad that I could try availing but to be more honest, KGSP hooked my interest so much that whenever I think about it, my heart flutters and feels excited. Since I am living in a small town which is the hotspot of tourism in our province, I have been seeing lots of tourists, especially Koreans, visiting our place. Some of them even settled down here for good and started their businesses. Given the fact that I have already been engaging with South Koreans here, I found out some differences and more similarities between Filipinos and South Koreans, that pushed me to start dreaming about getting into high-quality institution outside my country without feeling homesick, and South Korea is the first thing that's in my mind. To add, I am very certain that South Korea is more capable to cater my needs in terms of Political Science and International Relations which my country can't completely give me. With this, I can gain more knowledge, skills, techniques and strategies to give idea to my home country especially about how good governance looks like.
Yes, my family may belong in the 58% of Filipinos who are classified as low-income earners but I, as part of that family, belongs to the whole percentage of students worldwide who wanted to finish college, at all cost. I may have found the guts to leave my country and study overseas, but I will always make sure to come back even smarter to share my knowledge in order to contribute to the development of our country and that is for sure.I think you should pay attention to the tense you're using. It should be PAST TENSE since you are telling a story in the past. For example,
... we are were financially challenged
I have had been a consistent ...
For five years, I have had been part
Also, you can make some changes to make it sound better:
...it was in the latter ... when that I started joining
...making the name of my province by ringing
...the greatest feat I had reached so far
I didn't stop the passion in public speaking -> I kept great passion with public speaking
it tackles social and contemporary issues and by then, it started my interest in Political Science -> it was concerned with ... which stimulated my interest in PS.
as 2nd placer, but I claimed what is supposed to be mine last 2019 -> .. as 2nd placer which was supposed, I believed, to be mine last 2019
serve my schoolmates whatever my position might have been -> regardless of my position
That's all for now. I hope my comments can be helpful, though just a little bit, for you. Since I am quite not good at English, these are just from my subjective point of view. So please, don't hope too much.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Frankly speaking, your essay is way too dramatic. It is coming across more similarly to the plot line of a K-Novela, overly acted and stretched out. The reviewers do not have the time to go through such a wordy essay. They prefer direct to the point responses to the questions asked. Stick to the given script. That way your essay will become shorter and more interesting to read.
Mention the actual competitions you joined, make sure to indicate your placement. If possible, mention only your first place wins. That way you come across a student filled with potential. Try to make your presentations more concise. Do not feel the need to over explain. If you make it past the screening round, you can be sure that the interviewer will have questions to ask based on your written interviews. Keep it short but informative. The idea is to get you past the screening round, without risking a case of TMI or boring the interviewer who has 200 other essays to read that day. Keep the presentation within a 5-10 minute read. The shorter, but informative, the better.
Paragraph 5 isn't really a requirement for this discussion. I would take that part out if I were you. It forces the essay to become longer than it actually should be. If you must include additional information, make it about the person who influenced you the most towards pursuing this college degree. Keep on track. Double check the prompt requirements, take out the parts that don't really add information as per the prompt requirements.
This essay is balanced in the sense that it isn't a very strong application essay, but it isn't a weak essay either. You need to focus more on the prompt requirements and limit the discussion of irrelevant points such as the K-novela reference, the contact with the former scholars, and your interactions with Koreans. The essay tends to feel like you are trying to impress the reviewer, to the point of sucking up. That never works with this type of application. In fact, it could have an adverse reaction with regards to your application.
Since you are in contact with former scholars, you may opt to follow their instructions or, you may opt to follow mine. Just remember, what worked for them, may not work for you, specially since the educational landscape has changed post Covid-19. That is why your essay needs to be more focused on the required discussion points. Be less dramatic, more informative. Do not try to tug at the heart chords of the reviewer with your words. He will appreciate a direct and frank discussion, sans all the extra drama your excessive flowery writing has created.
