Hello everybody. I'm intended to applying KGSP-G in 2019. Here is my personal statement. Please, I really need your advice about my essay because I feel it still lack in many points. And I think it is a little bit running too long because it's exceeded one page requirement. However, I don't really know which part that I should remove. I really appreciated it if you could pinpoint every mistakes I've made (grammar, word choice, content). I'm using the last year guidelines btw.
1. Motivation with which you apply for this program
2. Your education and work experience related to the KGSP
3. Reasons for studying in Korea.
4. Any other aspects of your background and interests which may help us evaluate your aptitude and passion for graduate study or research.
personal statement for KGSP-G in 2019
Growing up as a kid from parents who work as small-scale businessmen in XXX city taught me countless precious lessons. I grew up to see my parents build their business from nothing and face many failures but it still keeps them to work hard for the sake of their children. The lessons I hold onto for my whole life is a success doesn't come overnight but as a result of building everything from scratch. The other one is the world will not stop spinning even if you face the biggest failure in your life thus mourning over a single failure is no other than wasting time. I believe these precious lessons that shape me into my current self right now.
My interest toward research and communication field started when I joined a scientific club back in my high school day. Due to the immense popularity of my club, there were plenty of tasks assigned to each one of us. Luckily I was part of the school magazine division where my task is to create an informative and interesting board magazine to represent our club. This precious experience was the first that opened my eyes into the world of journalism. When I graduated from my high school in XXX, I was planning to enroll in a communication school outside of my city. However, due to internal family circumstances, I was not able to do that and went to XXX, a public university in my city instead. This university didn't have any communication major back then. As my parents always told me, there is no use to mourn over a single obstacle, I accepted wholeheartedly my parent's advice to enrolled in XXX. They always said whether I will work in this field or not, going into Law School would at least gave me the ability to protect myself legally using the law. Being a law student indeed shaped me into an individual with a sharp and critical thinking skill. However, on the other hand, it helped me to develop a huge amount of empathy toward others. I realized the aim of creating a law is to protect each person rights so it doesn't clash with others. I also gained another interest in the research field which led me to become the top ten finalists in a national scientific paper competition in XXX in XXX. All of my efforts resulted in my success in finishing my bachelor degree for 4 years in XXX with Cum Laude predicate and became one of the best alumni in my faculty and university by securing 3.67/4.00 GPA.
Even though I was attending law school, I couldn't bury my passion in the journalism field. Thus I worked as a freelance content writer in the second year of university (2014-2015) to earn some money. My passion in another field of communication which is Public Relation appeared when I was given an opportunity to do an internship for three months in a company named XXX (February 2017-March 2017). During my internship period, I was placed in Corporate Secretary and Legal Division, the powerhouse of our company. Due to a short-staffed problem, I was assigned to Corporate Secretary team where most of Public Relation jobs were handled in here. My task was helping to contact key public such as employee and media partners. The other responsibility that I have was creating PR materials such as employee and stakeholder letter and collecting media publication about our company. Not only gave me a new sight of the PR world, but my internship period also awakened my passion in communication field even more than before. Back then, I met a staff in Corporate Secretary team who also a law-graduate like me. I was wondering why he chose to work in the PR team instead of legal team. And his answer was the one that helped me to direct my career path now. "Most of our customers are not coming from a law background, thus working in PR team helped me to communicate our policy and legal regulation in a more understandable way for our customers". From that moment, I decided to pursue my career in the communication field even though I should started everything from zero due to my limited educational background in this field.
I officially started my work in communication field as a content writer in a volunteering program (XXX-XXX) in a non-profit organization called XXX that focused on building a sustainable economic development for local communities. My responsibility in this job is to create a high-quality promotional article for the organization website. Currently, I'm working as a content writer in a startup company called XXX from XXX. My task is also to create articles for our company's smartphone application with the aim to increase parent awareness and knowledge in child parenting. However, due to my limited educational background in this field, my participation in these jobs is also limited to only certain degree. Furthermore, my original intention in this field is because most of law graduates are indeed have a broad knowledge in legal policies and governmental regulation. However, most of us also don't have the ability to understanding public thus resulted in many of these policies couldn't be communicated and resonated properly to every layer of citizen. Hence, pursuing a master degree in journalism and mass communication field would not only fulfilling my passion but also filling the knowledge gap between these two fields that would be very beneficial when it harmonizing into one.
My interest in South Korea started when I was assigned to make a wall magazine about this country in high school years. From this experience, I learned about how South Korea successfully paved their way into one of the most developed countries in a short span of years and its high-level educational system quality. Back then, I was only wondering it would be a very good opportunity to getting a higher degree in South Korea. However, my interest grew bigger when I was doing my final thesis in bachelor degree. Back then, I was conducting comparative research about traditional knowledge protection in Indonesia, South Korea, and a few other countries. I founded out that South Korea has an advanced system of documenting and protecting its traditional knowledge. Furthermore, as my main goal of the overall plan is to make Indonesia traditional knowledge being known worldwide thus pursuing a master degree in here indeed a right choice for me. South Korea has been known for its success in advertising its traditional culture to every part of the world. Moreover, South Korea's rapid economic development is also due to its smart and unique way of disseminating their product's information on various channels. Hence, it could be said that South Korea is the powerhouse of mass communication field.
My intention to pick XXX is because XXX University is a perfect example where traditional and modern culture embodied in balance. As a person who came from a diverse cultural background, I am naturally attracted to this ideology. Furthermore, XXX University Journalism and Mass Communication Department has been known as the best communication school in South Korea proved by its reputation as a recipient of Government Fund for Communication Education twice. XXX University also has a Startup Support Foundation that I believe would be a perfect incubator for developing my future plans as a social entrepreneur.
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PLEASE HELP ME T____T
And anyway, thank you ^___^Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Your education and work experience narrative is too long. That is why your essay ran over one page. Do not start from high school. Since you are interested in enrolling in a masters course, start from college. You are speaking of a career path change here so you will need to cut short the reference to your law school studies and focus on how your interests changed when you started your internship instead. That would show a relevant work experience reference and possibly, integrate your law school education in the process.
Since you seen to be enrolling via the university track, it would be better if you further developed your reasons for choosing this university other than the ranking of the university and its being a recipient of government awards. While those are valid reasons, those are not personal nor academically and professionally inclined reasons. Replace the generic information with a reference to the educational opportunity the university offers that aligned itself with your requirements for your higher academic studies. What sort of educational gaps did you have in Indonesia or in your working experience that you hope to learn about as a student at the university. How does the university teach this? Why will that teaching method be beneficial to you?
Basically, you can shorten the presentation by editing paragraphs 2 and 3. Try to merge the content into a shorter paragraph so that you will be able to discuss your university choice a little bit more. As for your internship, there is no need to explain that there was a short staffing problem. Rephrase that paragraph to instead offer the relevant information relating to your change in work / career direction. That is more important than the other elements you are presenting in that paragraph.
