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"a Korean mother, a Caucasian father" - How can I contribute to diversity?


tohruyun /  
Jan 8, 2011   #1
I'm applying for a scholarship that asks how can I contribute to diversity. The limit is 500 words. This is all I have so far and I am at a loss as to what else to put. Any suggestions or corrections would be greatly appreciated!

In my lifetime I have been exposed to many different areas of diversity. Growing up with a Korean mother, a Caucasian father, and recently with a Latino stepmother, I have become familiar with different cultures and traditions. Along with these, I have become familiar with the Korean and Spanish languages, though I am not fluent. Coming from a diverse background has allowed me to be open to cultures of all types; I enjoy getting to know people and better understanding their various cultural backgrounds. I have traveled overseas to South Korea multiple times and each time I have observed the different customs and lifestyles between there and here in the United States; one example is the difference in the foods. Recently I have also ventured to Mexico on a mission trip. While there, my heart stirred for those less fortunate than me and since then I am appreciative of how privileged my life is. Whenever the topic arises, I quickly share my experiences in both countries. Another way I contribute to diversity is through my religious background. I am a Christian, and my lifestyle is in tune with how a Christian should live. Though I am a Christian, my father and stepmother are Catholic, and because of this I appreciate the uniqueness of various religions. While attending ****, I would enjoy connecting with various campus ministries and religious communities to continue growing in diversity. Also, if at all possible, I would love to help bridge relations between different religions on campus. A final way I can contribute to diversity is my involvement with different clubs and activities. While attending I plan on joining at least one club and possibly a sorority. I also enjoy participating in different community activities. If there are any community service events or volunteer work, I am very willing to help. Through my cultural experiences and religious background, I hope to contribute to diversity at the University of ****.

firu 2 / 7  
Jan 8, 2011   #2
I think you have great content in there, my only concern is that it tells me about your race and people that have influence you, but not how being multicultural changed you for the better, i think explaining that you are catholic does not tell me anything about you being diverse, there are a lot of catholic people, when you talked about the clubs and activities , name them tell, me more about them, make it a story that would engage a reader :)
OP tohruyun /  
Jan 10, 2011   #3
Thank you for the suggestions! I'm definitely working on it more.
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Jan 16, 2011   #4
The limit is 500 words.

That means you can do a very strong 5 paragraph essay with each para having 4-5 sentences (100 words).

I like the word various here:
with different various cultures and traditions.

I have traveled overseas to South Korea multiple times, and each time I have observed the different customs and lifestyles between there and here in the United States; one example is the difference in the foods. (Add a thesis sentence here and end the paragraph).

Identify all the ideas you introduce, and then write a sentence that expresses the theme that unites all your ideas expressed here. Use paragraphs, and google this: how to write a paragraph topic sentence

:-)
MaxOneMillion 2 / 5  
Jan 28, 2011   #5
Fix the run on sentence that is your intro paragraph and try to use an anecdote. Focus on your strong points, don't ever mentions things like "but I'm not fluent.". Religion is not culture, state how it is culturally relevant "While I was visiting Mexico it seemed religion and life were one, there was hardly a place you couldn't find a burning Guadalupe candle! etc.. etc..." I hope you can synthesize that voice because you seem so passive in this paper =[

Overall I think you have a potentially great paper, but not currently as is. My biggest gripe is you don't address the reader. You don't say "You" once. I'm sure if you did it would make the world's difference.


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