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Law study - correct my scholarship form for the Board Enrollment

Mar 17, 2019   #1

Sun-Yat-Sen University application

Dear Student Enrollment Board of Sun-Yat-Sen University,

My name is Doan Vu Thanh Van. I am a senior student at Phu Nhuan High School - one of the best high school in Vietnam - and I am now busy preparing for the 2019 National High School Exam. I see myself as an extrovert person which interested in social activities and struck achievements in the community projects such as my participation in the Red Flamboyant Campaign organized by The Municipal Youth Union, visited and given presents to the families under the preferential policies, etc. By taking part in these activities that trained me into a pupil of today: friendly, thoughtful, dynamic, although I myself still have some shortcomings.

For my study, I pay my attention to develop both social and science skills which help me fully growth of every aspect, have a flexible mind and abroad knowledge easier. Via teachers' judgments and throughout my study progress, I have realized that I am a pupil with an advantage on the social subject, the award, certificates I won are the best way to show my efforts in study and the participation in extracurricular activities. My hobbies and interests now might have been affected by my grandpa since I was a small child. The curiosity itself urged me to read more books, documents about history, local residents culture, traditions, etc and also learned from the school of hard rock by traveled to some of my favorite places to figure about their heritage, people and so on.

As I have mentioned above, reading books does give me any information, knowledge, etc; like many other bookworms, I also find an eager beaver for myself and Lu Xun is the author I admired most because of his writing style and the lesson I gained through his works. My love for him is via the work "Native village" through this sentence: "In fact, on the ground, there is not any road. Roads appear because the people have hiked for a long time". This sentence strikes directly my psychology, lifestyle, and way of thought: People in the life always determine their own target but to reach it, they should always experience ups and downs when they step on the way they have selected. That's why roads never appear if you yourself don't create the starting point and destination. Therefore, everyone needs time, effort and a separate road for themselves.

It is why I want to find a modern study environment, suitable to myself, not only professional in the further teaching to the pupils on the knowledge but also training young generation full of self-motivation, laboriousness, creation at work and in the social activities, and Sun-Yat-Sen is the University that suits all of my demands.

Firstly, it is well-known by its history thickness in over 100 years of teaching experience which helps it to affirm its name and hold fast to position 6 in all the universities in China in the 2018 Rank List of World Universities with the staff of excellent academic lecturers.

Secondly, the University environment attracts not only me but also other students on the cultural and racial diversification of nearly 1,600 students from over 60 states in about 41,000 students studying in the University and its really suits for a pupil take advantages in social subjects. This is a huge advantage in the 4.0 economic integration and scientific revolution era because it is not only useful for the students in the cultural exchange, knowledge, and experience but also a convenient condition for the introduction, protection of their culture heritage; then, everyone can understand the cultural value of each state better and above all, everyone can clearly understand the 'culture' in themselves.

Moreover, after a direct conversation with the lecturer In THE 2018 TERTIARY EDUCATION CONSULTANCY SEMINAR took part in at Ho Chi Minh City University of Pedagogy from the SYS University to reply my queries (together with many other schoolmates) on the scholarship chance and the knowledge relating to this, and a conversation with teacher Nguyen Phuoc Loc - The Deputy Dean of The Chinese Faculty in Ho Chi Minh City University of Pedagogy exchanged some ideas about some necessary things when making a record of scholarship application and makes me feel more confident about my initial thoughts.

I have come to a decision to select the law ology as my study specialty to support myself to train the soft skills, the effective problem solving, to meet the social demand in the integrated economy era. Besides, languages are also a necessary instrument in life, means of connecting people to people, therefore, I have selected Japanese as my second study specialty so that I can easily connect with the people around and helps me to encourage my knowledge, too.

With the hope and desire to study, to connect with the staff of lecturers in the University, I desire myself to be one of the lucky pupils receiving the scholarship from Sun-Yat-Sen University to become a student that be able to develop my knowledge and perfect my skills as the full luggage and help me to step into the future.


Doan Vu Thanh Van

Ho ChiMinh City
Rich Monte 2 / 94 2  
Mar 20, 2019   #2
First paragraph - I'd not mention that you're "busy" (it may suggest you cannot fully focus on this scholarship essay). Also, avoid using "etc."

In general, you also have language issues (like "help me fully growth grow", "abroad knowledge" and several others; use a semicolon before "therefore"; the word "pupils" is more British; you may use "student" more often). In the middle, you start with "Firstly," and "Secondly" - you may want to start discussing these things sooner as it sounds a little displaced.

You may also want to make the essay shorter and focus more on your desired specialty of study, plus mention how your education / scholarship would help other people / society overall. It is a good draft, but it discusses too many issues; make it shorter and more coherent.

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