I was a twenty two year old, fresh medical graduate still getting used to the 'doctor' label bursting with the excitement of soon working towards my dream to abolish inequity in the health care sector when I dealt with my first real world experience with leadership. On 9th July 2013, I was working in a rural health center when I heard on the radio, about a massive flood that struck the state of Uttarakhand in Northern India. On my return from work, I consulted no one, wrote to the non-for-profit organization 'Doctors For You' requesting an opportunity to volunteer for their medical relief schemes, agreed to join them in a week's time and began working. The relief project was a collaborative effort between 'Doctors for you' and 'Save the children', India. I voluntarily took on the responsibility of handling a team of three doctors, one pharmacist, one student volunteer and a disaster management specialist each one from different parts of the country with diverse professional and personal backgrounds. Everyday consisted of trekking through about 5kms of flood savaged mountain terrain to reach victims in villages, identify space to set up our camp, co-ordinate with the village volunteers to bring those in need of medical attention to the camp site, distribute medication and for all those in need of hospital care- transportation was arranged. I managed all of this along with the disaster management specialist on the team by personally talking to village volunteers everyday regarding their relief requirements, discussing with the village presidents about my observations and what will be done to improve the health standards in their village and the need for their continued compliance to the measures advised, arranged for ten minute sanitation awareness campaigns to be held before the start of the medical consults, involved the villagers themselves in crowd control measures and communicated to the officials all necessities and inadequacies experienced. I held a meeting everyday with my teammates wherein each of our concerns and observations were addressed, suggestions for improvement were communicated and the plan for the following day was confirmed. I spoke with the medical officer of the local allopathic dispensary and arranged to have some of my patients from the villages, admitted in their facility to meet their medical needs until they could be transferred to a tertiary care facility. For the critical patients I spoke with the Head of department Emergency and Trauma care in the government hospital, Dehradun explained the statuses of the patients and called ambulances for their safe transport. At the end of my month long service the presidents of the villages my team and I visited arrived at my residential annexe to seek detailed advice on how to better the overall health status In their respective villages which I was more than happy to provide. I also made an analysis report of the health and environmental conditions in the villages we worked in citing my observations and possible solution strategies for the organization.
Wow! This is one of the truly impressive leadership essays that I have read here so far. Your leadership experience is truly of note and begs the reader to admit that you are truly a leader of the present and of the future. If your experience and abilities as discussed in this essay are to be taken seriously be the reviewer, then you stand a pretty good chance of getting a scholarship slot.
The only problem I have with your essay is that the narrative is not divided into topic paragraphs, which makes the whole essay hard to read. In an essay of this magnitude, or one that has so many sub-topics contained within, it is always best to divvy up the essay to make it easier to read. Let me try to give you a guide towards properly dividing the essay. I'll use number points to signify the paragraph number and ellipses to designate the end sentences of the paragraph.
1. I was a twenty two year old, fresh medical graduate still getting used to the 'doctor' label bursting with the excitement of soon working towards my dream to abolish inequity in the health care sector when I dealt with my first real world experience with leadership... agreed to join them in a week's time and began working.
2. The relief project was a collaborative effort between 'Doctors for you' and 'Save the children', India... involved the villagers themselves in crowd control measures and communicated to the officials all necessities and inadequacies experienced.
3. I held a meeting everyday with my teammates wherein each of our concerns and observations were addressed, suggestions for improvement were communicated and the plan for the following day was confirmed... I also made an analysis report of the health and environmental conditions in the villages we worked in citing my observations and possible solution strategies for the organization.
Now that we have the essay divided into paragraphs Farzana, I would like you to take the time to fully develop each paragraph. Make sure that you include a clear incident when you leadership or influence was successfully utilized in order to meet the demands of the project. It is important that you deliver a clear representation of your abilities because you seem to have been involved in many activities during this period. While all of the activities are important, what the reviewer needs to be drawn to are the specific moments of leadership and influence use that you were involved in.
I also noticed that the paragraph that is currently labeled as number 3 is an incomplete paragraph. It needs to have either additional information or a transition paragraph into your closing statement. You really need the closing statement to tie up the loose ends of the essay and present a complete picture of your leadership skills.
@vangiespen : thank you so much for your feedback. working on it right away! I was praying I'd hear from you - - been following your numerous comments on essays so far .
Just so I'm clear about what you've suggested - did you mean I should specify a moment where I was faced with a difficult decision or consulted for something controversial ?
Thanks again , in advance ! :)
Farzana, I definitely want this essay to play up your leadership and influencing skills in separate paragraphs. Bear in mind that an effective leader does not necessarily have the ability to be an influential leader at the same time. Throughout history, there have been effective leaders who only know how to command the troops, but they carry very little influence in the group once the leadership role is over with. Now, a person who knows how to influence other people tend to make for better leaders because even though they do not have the official title of a leader, they are able to get others to follow their cue and accomplish tasks. It is because of that line of thinking that I am asking you to present specific instances for each Chevening Scholarship qualification.
Start with the moment when, as a leader, you had to make a difficult decision. Discuss the background of that situation. What choices were you faced with? Why did you opt to lead the group or mission in a particular direction? What was the final outcome of your actions? Be it positive or negative, tell the reviewer about the story. It is still a situation that called upon you to be a leader, how effective you were in that situation was really up to you.
As for the influence part, I think I would like to hear more about how you convinced "Doctors for You" to allow you to participate in that mission. Did they have any apprehensions about allowing you to join the mission? What factors did you have to overcome in order to convince them, or influence them, to take that chance on you?
The Chevening Scholarship is really quite competitive. So you need to always try your best to outshine your competitors via the leadership and influence essay. Best of luck to you. I hope I can help you with the revision of your next version :-)
@vangiespen I tried my best to stick to your instructions. Ill rewrite until you tell me it's good to go . *fingers crossed*
Farzana, you did very well in terms of revising your essay. You covered all of the important leadership bases and made sure to develop the reason and logic behind the decisions that were made. All of the activities that required your leadership and influence were also excellently related to the reviewer. So you don't need to worry about meeting the prompt requirement regarding the topic, you accomplished that task without question. However, there is still the concern of the essay running longer than it should.
Having reviewed your essay a number of times, just to try and find some portions where we can cut out a sentence or two,it suddenly occurred to me that while the first 3 paragraphs of the essay can be considered to be well written and adherent to the prompt, the fourth paragraph fell short of this requirement. The reason it fell short is because the information contained in it does not reflect the requirements of the prompt. That means, it does not relate to your previous leadership or influence experience.
The fourth paragraph talks about your future plans which are not part of the required responses of the prompt. Therefore, it would serve your essay well to do one of two things. Either you replace the paragraph with a conclusion that summarizes your learning experience and portrays an image of you as a person who is ready to lead at a moment's notice, which is something the reviewer will definitely smile at learning about, or, you can just that paragraph altogether and just conclude using the third paragraph. Whichever way you want to close the essay will work fine for me :-)
So finally I have this to present to you. :) I have rearranged the final para but if you have suggest I remove it I will do just that !
eager to read your review. ..
I was an excited twenty two year old, fresh medical ...
Farzana, I think we just need to apply a few more corrections to the content of the essay :-)
On THE 9th OF July 2013
the news filtered through the radio, at our rural health centre,
I offered my services as a volunteer doctor and expressed my zeal .
- No need to mention your zeal. The mere fact you offered your services means that you are enthusiastic about the idea of working with them.
I also involved myself in THE supervising delivery of medicines
and ideated on how to improve DEVELOPED IDEAS HOW TO IMPROVE THE SITUATION AND SOLVE THE PROBLEMS AS A TEAM.
- Always refer back to your leadership and influencing abilities.
On my return from Uttarakhand, I spoke at several medical institutions, including my own, urging doctors to leave their comfort zones and experience working in emergencies. Rewardingly, four doctors volunteered following my example.
- This is underdeveloped. You need to add more information about how you influenced these doctors to volunteer. What was the turning point that made them believe your urging?
The closing statement is quite good so don't change that. Just address the comments I made and everything should finally, be set :-)
The issue Ive been facing is keeping to the 500 word count.. I reduced a few words here and there to improve on the paragraph you advised.. my corrections are highlighted with bold font... do let me know if its seems better now..Thanks again for all your help!
I was an excited twenty three year old, fresh medical graduate still getting used to the 'doctor' label, when I had my first real world experience with leadership. In July 2013, the news filtered through the radio, at our rural health centre, that the northern state of Uttarakhand had been struck by devastating floods, levelling the already threadbare medical infrastructure.
Several instances called for tough decision making on my part. One delicate issue that arose was when I observed the medical aid some of the villages were receiving was disproportionate to their needs. Upon speaking to the coordinator,he explained the political complexities involved and the consequences of choosing one village over the other. Once I understood the situation and temperaments of the villagers, I proposed that we split up in two units: one with two doctors serving a larger village and the other, with one doctor, simultaneously serving a small-demand village. This worked out perfectly, allowing us to easily cover more than twenty villages when the initial target was only fifteen.
On my return from Uttarakhand, I spoke at several institutions urging doctors to serve in emergencies. I explained that if a twenty three year old female doctor could travel alone, across the country, to flood-stricken lands and return raving about the experience it must be worth pursuing. Rewardingly, four doctors volunteered following my example.
I am now setting up an enterprise aimed at providing menstrual health management solutions for trans* and cis women. By blazing this trail outside the security of structured, hospital-based work routinesI intend to lead by example and inspire doctors to expand their horizons.
Haye Farzana, we seem to have skipped the paragraph about your volunteering your services to "Doctors for You". You really should not skip that part because it transitions the paragraph from your being a new doctor to your countryside experience. Was that part of the word count problem for you? If so, you need to just rephrase that paragraph to become shorter. It is a necessary part of your response and should not disappear from your essay.
Changing the way you wrote the date of the event is alright. You do not need to provide the precise date in this case because you are just discussing it. If you were presenting a research paper, then that would have been a different case and you would have needed to present the whole date for accuracy purposes.
With regards to the comment about political complexities, I have been curious as to what the results of your request to re-allot the doctors would be. Could you provide a simple reference to the potential results? I believe it is necessary in order for the reviewer to understand why you made that very specific suggestion to your leader.
Everything else about the essay is alright. It has become really polished as you have worked on the revisions. Let me know if you are still having a problem with the word count so that I can help you edit that as well. It won't be a bother :-)
hello ! I didn't leave out the paragraph I just didnt paste it because I di dnt make any changes to the para :) its still very much in the essay of course !
as for the results of re-alloting doctors : we conducted two camps at a time on several days. We didnt waste time in the villages that didnt need much medical attention and yet still kept them happy by conducting a short camp with just one doctor handling the load. This is also how we treated patients in over twenty villages when the initial target was only fifteen..
What would you say needs to be added here?
Don't scare me like that Farzana! I seriously thought all the hard work we put into that paragraph was all for naught. Next time let me know when you will be skipping a paragraph alright? You almost gave me a heart attack :-) Nice to know that the essay near perfection now. So, let's get to work on this pesky additional information and call it a perfected essay alright ;-)
If this is the exact addition to the paragraph that you will be placing, I suggest that we make some refinements to it. Here is what I suggest:
we We conducted two camps at a time on OVER several days. We didnt DIDN'T waste time in the villages that didnt DIDN'T need much medical attention and yet still kept them happy by conducting a short camp with just one doctor handling the load. This is also how we treated patients in over twenty villages when the initial target was only fifteen..
Those are just a few simple corrections that will better prepare the sentences for addition to the paragraph. I really believe that the addition of this information completes the information required to give a complete picture of what you were dealing with to the reviewer.
Now, here is one last thing that I want you to do for yourself. Review the essay one final time for spelling errors, grammar problems, and any additional information that you might want to add. If you feel there is nothing else to adjust, correct, or add to the essay, then it's good to go :-)
I followed all your instructions on the leadership essay and Im finally confident enough to upload it thanks to you !! :)
Ive copied my networking essay because Id love to her your thoughts on the content and clarity ... eager to hear from you, as always! :)
-----
From my experience of growing up in India, attending medical school, working in different ...
Hi Farzana, I'm always happy to review your other application essays for you. So far, I have noticed a few grammar issues and a point of clarification at the end of the essay. I'll be more specific about those things below:
Par. 1 & 2:
From my experience of growing up in India, attending medical school, working in different states and traveling through diverse regions, I have understood networking is an art - the mastery of which requires confidence and linguistic skill, apart from diplomatic abilities. As a school girl, college student and doctor I was HAVE always BEEN known to be AS a strong and determined personality with out-of-the-box ideas on what to do with the skills I imbibed HAVE DEVELOPED. Engaging with acquaintances, peers, professors, and the world outside institutional settings, has always come naturally to me and helped build perspective in life regarding what I want to do with the time I have, to leave a mark.
COMMENT: I REVIEWED THE TWO PARAGRAPHS AND FELT THAT IT COULD BE BETTER STRENGTHENED WITH THE OMISSION OF CERTAIN SENTENCES AND ADDITION OF CERTAIN WORDS AND PHRASES. I DID THAT ABOVE.
Par.3:
My networking skill, in terms of bearing tangible fruits, panned out in DEVELOPED THROUGHOUT different stages through IN my career. I consider connecting with 'Doctors for You' in 2013 as the first realization of my networking and interpersonal talents. During my time with the organization, I engaged on personal levels with my entire team, AND made friends for life, IN ORDER TO breaking INTO the realm of the doctor-hospital-patient chain. The relief project was a collaborative effort between 'Doctors for you' and 'Save the Children', India. I remained in touch with the presidents and program coordinators of both organizations which , A MOVE THAT has given me access to a huge network of professionals in the NGO sector.
Par.4:
In August 2014, I began working in Portea home healthcare as a resident doctor AS A RESIDENT DOCTOR AT PORTEA HOME HEALTHCARE. and I engaged with senior doctors by reporting to them regarding their patients who were under my care. I built my reputation in the medical fraternity through these connections that I strengthened with everyday efforts. These contacts are now the backbone to the research project I have conceptualized.
Par.5:
In October 2014, when the state of Kashmir in Northern India, was struck by floods, I received a call from Save the Children enquiring about my immediate availability with a message from the CEO of the company requesting my services based on my associations and familiarity with the team in Uttarakhand. This led to my second experience working in an emergency and yet another opportunity to grow my network. Before I left Kashmir the National manager offered me the position of Health program manager in Jharkhand. This was a special offer made to me as a result of the social skills and dedication I displayed, which unfortunately UNFORTUNATELY, I had to decline THE OFFER owing to my commitments at Portea.
Par.6:
The co-founder of my company is someone who I was introduced to during the relief operations in Uttarakhand, AND HAS now BECOME a close friend. We have together TOGETHER WE HAVE raised over seventy five thousand dollars and USED OUT NETWORKING SKILLS TO SEEK OUT POTENTIAL INVESTORS IN OUR COMPANY. our ONE investor has also assured us of an introduction to the Harvard business school alumni for future investments. Work in my enterprise demands connecting with fellow entrepreneurs, the health ministry and huge medical establishments for visibility and endorsementS, which is where my skills will prove to be a huge advantage.
- IS PORTEA A COMPANY YOU CO-FOUNDED OR ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT SOME OTHER COMPANY HERE? YOU SHOULD CLARIFY THIS POINT BY MENTIONING THE COMPANY NAME.
