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Leadership position and what I did individually to make a change

Codex1717 7 / 17  
Nov 25, 2017   #1
I don't really know how to build around this story to bring out the desired effect. I have also held the position of the head lab prefect in my high school and would like to write about that but I didn't really do much to make any significant change..below is the prompt for the essay

Q:"we want to know how you demonstrate your potential for leadership and your ability to give back to your community. tell us about any positions of leadership or responsibility you have undertaken in the last five years . please include details of the position you held and what you did individually to make a change"

academic team chairman

In my fourth year in high school I joined the JETS club (Junior Engineers, Technicians and scientists club), a club focused on developing the STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Math) skills of students in the science class. JETS club really helped stabilize my grades and so when I was made the chairman of the academic team in my fifth year I vowed to do much more for upcoming young members.

As the academic team chairman I was responsible for organizing tutorial classes in the basic science subjects. I collected the scheme of work for each subjects from respective head teachers and then drafted out a teaching plan for the tutorials.

I however found out that the turnout of female students was low; I found this really disturbing and sought to address this issue before the end of my tenure. I had a talk with the patron of the club and invited him to have a talk with the female science students. I also started organizing quizzes between male and female members of the club and giving away prizes to the winners. This went a long way in heightening their interest in club activities. The female students developed a competitive spirit; they became bent on beating the boys in the quizzes so they devoted more time to the tutorial classes.

At the end of my tenure, the number of female participants in club activities increased considerably, their participation in club activities also improved their grades in the science courses.

Holt [Contributor] - / 9,293 2855  
Nov 25, 2017   #2
Ameh, in order to have the desired effect, you need to change the slant of the essay. Rather than opening with joining the team as a fourth year student, open with your leadership role as a fifth year student instead. You can simply say:

I became the chairman of the JETS club (Junior Engineers, Technicians, and Scientists Club) during my fifth year in high school. The club focused on developing STEM skills among the students enrolled in the specialized high school field. As the chairman, I vowed to make changes to the club that would help highlight the participation of females in the field. I found the female student participation to be low. I was quite disturbed by this and sought to address...

Please take note of how I revised the statement to a certain degree that highlights your leadership role, the problem, and how you solved it. That is all you have to do in these instances. You do not need to present a second role if it is not truly a leadership role. Take the real leadership role and highlight it in the best way that you can. The prompt is not asking for numerous samples of leadership, it is asking for only one strong example from the past 5 years. This example is a true response to that requirement.
OP Codex1717 7 / 17  
Nov 25, 2017   #3
Wow!! Thank you very much Holt!!
You are wonderful..I will make the necessary changes..
Once again thanks.am grateful
madiefarts123 5 / 11 1  
Nov 25, 2017   #4
I think its a good essay, but I believe that you're trying to stuff too many things in one essay. Although, unconsciously, you are sort of listing the number of leadership position you've taken. That makes the essay lose it focus. Just stick to one position and I think the essay will be all right.

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