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Leadership used to control the teamwork on engineering - Chevening essay

feby 3 / 10  
Oct 20, 2017   #1
This is my essay, I still get 534 words. Please give me feedback to reduce my essay


Chevening is looking for individuals that will be future leaders or influencers in their home countries. Explain how you meet this requirement, using clear examples of your own leadership and influencing skills to support your answer.

(minimum word count: 50 words, maximum word count: 500 words)

The great leader must have a great leadership skill which can be used as an influence for other people. On the work life, Leadership skill is the critical issues in team cooperation to achieve the organization goals or company goals. Leadership skill also my deepest passion that I absolutely take at any change.

I work in the construction sector, which I believe that every construction should have a great leader to achieve goals. Leadership used to control the teamwork on engineering because it is impossible to complete the construction individually. My leadership skill applies not only on my professional background but also on social lives. I have worked since 2015 in a developer company, I have given three projects in the past two years and upcoming high rise building project. I have been succeeded two projects which build a fourth-floor building and cluster of houses and one project has been under my supervision.

I remember the first time that taking a responsible as an engineer, I was a fresh graduate, by the time take a responsible to construct a building. I had two inspectors and two contractors under my supervision. First of all, I was really confused to start my duty, I know that I must learn quickly to identify the problem, learn about the pattern of the construction and also the characteristic of manpower, after all the point identified, I realize that I must be stepped up to take leadership of the project to deal with the main problem.

In the beginning of the project, through personal observation, after I finished learning a blueprint which established by the consultant, I found there was something in construction's drawing which wasn't efficient reviewed in financial and quality aspect. I gathered my team to discuss my solution and seek their perspective about the possible major problem will the team faced. As the result, I also had more useful idea to reduce the impact of the problem. Taking initiative, I gathered and arranged a second meeting with the consultant and also my general manager, I took a lead to discuss and presented my solution. Firstly, I had done to redraw the construction's drawing with optimized structure. This condition, not only increase the quality of the building but also reduce construction cost almost a half of the total construction cost. Secondly, I implemented a method that before the construction, all agreement which corresponds with suppliers must be done before the construction started. As a result, working a project where I was in charge, I succeeded to accomplish the project in time and also increase company profits. Praising my initiative and leadership skill, I was promoted as a senior leader at my company.

In university, I also take a leadership to influence people who have difficulties to adapt to new environment. I was studied far from my home, the first year was the hardest but I always pushed my self to focus with my decision. Become an orphan in young age, help me to become a strong person. In the second year and above, I was an assistant lecturer and laboratory, I always encouraged my student to give their best and listen to their problem about the academic and social problem to adapt.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,124 3267  
Oct 20, 2017   #2
Ayu, you can easily lower the word count of your essay if you reformat the essay. There are a number of paragraphs that are not necessary to the presentation so its removal will not have a direct impact on the narrative you are presenting. I would like to start by removing the first paragraph of the essay. It is unnecessary as the essay is asking you to define leadership and influencing through your actions instead of by word definition. By going directly into the discussion about "I work in the construction sector..." you immediately create a strong basis for your response presentation. It also helps to better define, through action, the meaning of leadership and influencing to you. Then, remove the reference to your university studies because there is no clear relationship between your academic leadership and professional leadership and influencing skills. The Chevening reviewers are more concerned with your professional applications because the masters degree courses will be based more on professional exposure than previous academic learning. By removing these paragraphs, you can further develop the presentation of your leadership and influencing skills in relation to your profession in the construction field.
naseernasrati 14 / 33 10  
Oct 20, 2017   #3
Hi here are some corrections that i will state
1- in the second paragraph ( to achieve goals) i as reviewer will ask myself which goals i mean i am confused.
2- in the third paragraph ( after all the point) all points???
3- in the fourth paragraph ( will the team faced)???
4-n the fourth paragraph (more idea)???
5- again in the same paragraph ( the construction started)???
overall as my profession is the same as you i would like to say some general issues to you
you spend half of your essay in stating general issues i think that is not helpful for your essay, in my opinion stating something general related to other paragraphs is enough to write in the first paragraph.

you stated just one example of your leadership here, in my opinion if your could write two examples it will be more helpful for your essay and in that time your essay would become effective.

if you can add another example instead of stating general issues.as well try to specify everything in your essay because it will be more helpful if you do not state in general in all paragraphs.
evaa 3 / 11  
Oct 22, 2017   #4

your essay should be purely based on how good a leader your are . First two paragraph have no relevance. You don't need to elaborate on your profile at all . That would be there on the application .

Focus on the third paragraph and make it your first. You could start like:Having worked in the construction sector I was entrusted to lead a project ....

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