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"I learned how to play the piano" - Is my essay effective?


silverdra 5 / 12  
Sep 26, 2010   #1
Also, does my essay contain any errors?

I'm applying for National merit finalist and I'm wondering if my essay is good enough. The prompt of the essay is: "describe an experience you have had...explain why this is meaningful to you". Here's my essay:

Thomas Edison once said that "genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration". I believe his statement can be applied to other instances as well since perseverance and an assiduous mindset are the basic keys to success in any field. For example, I am proud of learning to play a difficult music piece on piano, performing it in front of the public, and receiving a strong approval from them. I am proud of my achievement because I've never had the chance to hire a formal piano tutor and the piece, Canon in D, was relatively complex and challenging to play but despite these obstacles, I managed to learn it and perform the piece flawlessly through dedication and hard work.

I practiced playing everyday, sometimes repeating a difficult segment for countless times. If I encountered a part that I could not comprehend no matter how hard I tried to, I would ask my friends, who are proficient with the piano, for assistance. There were times that I felt like quitting, thinking that it was impossible for me to learn such a complex piece, but my friends and family were very supportive of me and offered to help me whenever they could. Encouraged by their caring support, I told myself, " while I still have a long way to go, I am closer to my goal then I was yesterday" and reapplied myself to learning how to play Canon in D.

After around half a year, I finally learned how to play the piece without any mistakes. Coincidentally, the Boys and Girls Club in San Pedro decided to host a recital on Thanksgiving Day. I signed up in order to entertain the kids there. As I sat down on the bench, under the gaze of a hundred or so people, my heart seemed to jump out of my throat. However, I was pleasantly surprised when I started playing. It appeared as if my hands were gliding automatically above the keys of the piano: I practiced so hard playing that piece that it had became second nature to me. When I hit the last note, the audience burst into thunderous applause, an assurance that I had performed well.

Although I did not receive any material awards for accomplishing this task, I was still very proud of it because I pushed myself to the limits and accomplished what I thought was impossible. From this experience, I learned that even though there were many obstacles on the road to success, they could be overcome with adequate motivation, dedication, and hard work. In addition, a little advice from family members and friends couldn't hurt either.

Now, three years from that day when I decided to master the piece no matter how inexperience I was at piano, I looked back and was amazed at all that I thought was arduous but had accomplished. Even though most of these accomplishments pushed me to my limits, I was able to persist while other people succumbed to the pressure thanks to the valuable lesson I learned from the experience mentioned above.

Any help would be very appreciated
Thanks!
name_here - / 37  
Sep 27, 2010   #2
to other instances as well What was the instance that he was talking about?

For example, although I never had thet chance to hire a formal piano tutor and was performing a relatively complex and challenging piece on the piano, I was able to perform the piece in public and receive strong approval. Despite these obstacles, I managed to learn it and perform the piece flawlessly through dedication and hard work.
joalex7 4 / 13  
Sep 27, 2010   #3
I can only offer that it is a good piece once the correction are made. I think you may be a finalist. Good luck
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Sep 30, 2010   #4
Fix this little part:
said, "Genius is ...--------- no "that," and capitalize the G.

no matter how inexperienced I was...

my heart seemed to jump out of my throat.--- I like this phrase!!

This is great. Now I think you should complete the process by extending the meaningfulness so that it applies to your intellectual or professional purpose for going to this school... how does this lesson apply to your future?
OP silverdra 5 / 12  
Sep 30, 2010   #5
I'm really sorry for the late reply, as I was really busy this week.

Thank you so much for all of your help :). I really appreciated the suggestions.
AMazz 3 / 6  
Sep 30, 2010   #6
This is really well written and reads nicely. The only thing I might add is more of the emotional aspect after you finished playing. Other than that it was great.
turntablespp 6 / 41  
Oct 29, 2010   #7
I believe his statement can be applied to other instances as well, since perseverance and an assiduous mindset are the basic keys to success in any field.

I barely found any mistakes, but what I did notice was that you used the word "proud" too much. It takes away from the essay, maybe use a different word?


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