Hi Essay Forum Team,
The following essay is for a small scholarship that covers book expenses. Please give me some feedback.
Thank you!
For four years, I opened my mailbox daily, waiting impatiently for the card that would allow me to attend college, waiting for the so called "green-card." When I graduated high school in 2009, my mother told me I could not continue college because we were not permanent residents yet. This impeded me from continuing my education further. However, the morning of July 20, 2013, my permanent resident card arrived in the mail. I stood next to my mailbox jumping and crying and saying, "I could finally go to school!" The next morning, I drove to Broward College and applied for the Associate's Degree program. Attending college has been a vital component of my life; not only did I learn the value of education, but also, I chose to study and work in a career that benefits humanity as a whole.
Growing up in Colombia was challenging for my family. We grew up in a small town inside Bogota, Colombia, a city that saw economic struggle daily. I went to Taller Infantil Quiroga, a pre-school and elementary school that demanded a large portion of my mother's salary. She learned that attending a university would be impossible for any of my family members, thus, she decided to move to the United States: The place where I learned the importance of education.
When I walked inside my first class at Broward College, I knew I belonged there. I sat in the middle row smiling from ear to ear through the entirety of the class, observing my new classmates interacting with one another. The following two and a half years, I dedicated my time to learning, and I rapidly became interested in math, science, and physics. The more I learned how the world worked, the more I questioned. I realized that I had endless opportunities, and that the only way I could advance in life professionally, was by continuing my education.
My thirst for learning grew, igniting my passion for flight, STEM, and space exploration, leading me to choosing Aerospace Engineering as my degree of study. I quickly became fascinated by how an airplane lifted off the ground and how its shape made flight possible. This desire also awoke my interest for outer space, rockets, and propulsion technology. When I learned of aerospace companies like NASA and SpaceX, I became interested in the impact they had here on Earth. Some of the research aboard the International Space Station, for example, helps people here on Earth by producing new technologies that prevent diseases. I want to work for a company that allows me to help others.
Both college and my field of study are very important to the story of my life. Without moving to the United States to seek a better education, I would not be standing here today, dreaming of working with companies comprised of people who want to make the world a better place. Learning ignited all of these passions for space exploration, and I could not see myself doing anything else. I now feel as if I am limitless, and I hope that some day, I am able to inspire others who don't have a direction in life. Broward College gave me direction, purpose, and a love for education that I would not have had I not continued my career further.
companies like NASA i don't think NASA is a company.Everything is fine here except ,you haven't focused in your need of scholarship.It will give more of a authentic feeling if you put exact your passion. Like space exploration is a big field you can like i need more books for those subject and this scholarship can help me for my career and passion.
Hi Juan, it's good to review one of your essays again, yours is one of those essays that I will not miss reviewing, not only because you are writing fairly written essays but also because you learn each time you write and this is a very good trait of a writer.
I'm also glad to hear, correct me if I'm wrong, that you have gained a scholarship and now this essay will be for your books and other miscellaneous. It is very good to hear that you never stop learning and acquiring greater heights of education.
More importantly, I love the fact that you make sure that in every essay you write, there's a lesson learned by the one reading it, it's as if you continue to open your life to the public, you made it known that you share what you know and what you want to learn in the process.
Now, in this particular essay, Juan, you can eliminate the part where you elaborate your background, being a green card holder and all the other information about your family, this information is not necessary for this application.
What I'm trying to suggest is that, this essay is for the support for your books, so, it is necessary that you focus on your academic background and what this books will do to uplift your level of education and to further your learning as well. It is also necessary to mention that this essay is meant for you to receive that additional support that will lead to the continuity of your studies. Overall, it's a well managed essay and I hope my insights were helpful and useful to your revisions.
Guys! I am sorry I did not add the prompt! Here it is:
Write an essay about why attending college and your field of study are important to you. Give us some insight into your personal background, your philosophy about learning, why you chose your field in particular, and any other information you feel is relevant. These will be judged based on originality, creativity, organization of thought, and proper spelling, punctuation, and grammar.
Hi Juan, no worries at all if you forgot the prompt, well, it is definitely helpful for us to review the essay if the prompt is included as this will be our basis if the essay has answered the prompt properly or if the letter has served its purpose.
Moreover,in essay writing, it can be reviewed in many different ways, either in following the English language rules, in proper association of ideas or in creating the proper perspective towards answering the given task.
What I would also like to see in your writing is to lessen the information that you include in your articles.
What I mean is, I prefer that you add a different twist to the essays that you do, though when needed, you can still include academic background and achievements but you can take a break from including this in your next writing articles, the thing is, it can also be taxing if you try to review or read it over and over, specially when the information is not necessary.
Furthermore, I encourage you to be more creative, explore other writing techniques and strokes, never be afraid to create build your own writing style or writing approach. Keep writing!
