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Learning new things has always been a great motivator for me. Essay for MasterCard

keneshuku 4 / 12 1  
Nov 20, 2017   #1
Please, I need help with checking to see if I have answered the Essay correctly, Grammatical or Typographical errors, where I can improve and if there is any paragraph that doesn't tally with what has been asked. Its 250 words for each essay. Thank you

Q: We want to hear what motivates you and what you are passionate about. Please write about a topic that is important to you, and reflects who you are/your values.

I am a natural team player

Learning new things has always been a great motivator for me. In everything I do, I believe I've always been able to learn something new, or a new way to look at a problem and solve it.

I am a natural team player, I would always cherish being in a room with a bunch of smart people pushing for the same cause. And when it's all done, I love preparing and giving presentations. Being in front of an audience, and seeing them respond to our ideas is a real thrill, and making that connection is inspiring and exciting. I am going to be talking about teamwork

What is teamwork? There are several ways to define teamwork, but for some color, let's think of it as the French do. The French language has an excellent expression to describe it: "Esprit de corps". This means a sense of unity, of enthusiasm for common interests and responsibilities, as developed among a group of persons closely associated with a task, cause, enterprise, etc. It is the process of working collaboratively with a group of people in order to achieve a goal.

Teamwork is a crucial part of our everyday lives, as it is often necessary for people to work well together, trying their best in any circumstance. Teamwork means that people will try to cooperate, using their individual skills and providing constructive feedback, despite any personal conflict between individuals.

The second idea I had for a topic was True Greatness/ success. Talking about how true greatness/ success in life is achieved by helping others. do you think this would have made a better topic?
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,562 3753  
Nov 20, 2017   #2
Kenechukwu , from the way I reviewed your essay, it appears that learning is not the great motivator for you. Rather, teamwork is what motivates your ability to learn. I believe that you have the correct essay but the wrong presentation. Why don't you try to present the essay in a different manner and see if you like how it turns out? I am suggesting the following presentation for your paragraphs, which I believe will help you to present a stronger essay without having to change the topic for discussion. Try to do the following rearrangement in paragraph from (in numerical order) 4, 3,2. Paragraph one disconnects in meaning and presentation from the other 3 paragraphs so you may want to write a new concluding paragraph instead. One that is more aligned with how teamwork motivates you to reach a satisfactory conclusion.
OP keneshuku 4 / 12 1  
Nov 20, 2017   #3
Thanks again Mary..will do
Codex1717 7 / 17  
Nov 21, 2017   #4
Hello kenechukwu
I don't think the essay clearly depicts who you are or what your values are.. You spent most of your word count on talking about teamwork..i think the essay should focus more on who you are and those reading the essay should get a clear picture of your personality from the texts.
Ashkan123 12 / 33 2  
Nov 21, 2017   #5
Hi @keneshuku
I've reviewed your essay and I have to say you did a good job.However, Although it is about motivation. I did not feel it motivated me (Maybe something is wrong with me-kidding :) ) Anyway, I think if you write it down one more time and try to fix lack of cohesion in your essay, your essay would be perfect.

good job, way to go.
OP keneshuku 4 / 12 1  
Nov 21, 2017   #6
OP keneshuku 4 / 12 1  
Nov 25, 2017   #7
thanks for the review ...would look into this

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