First, thanks everyone for viewing my thread. I will appreciate any remark on my essay.
I am a third-year undergraduate student and I am applying for an exchange scholarship program (Competition will be based on the potential of the candidates to become student leaders through academic performance, community involvement and extracurricular activities).
I have not used English for a long time and I know that my essay seems wordy and may have lots of grammar errors. Therefore, I feel grateful to those reading it help me improve it. Please also give me some advice and comment about:
- The structure of the essay: is paragraph and sentence closely connected?
- The opening of the essay
- The ending of the essay, especially the last sentence. I feel they have some problems but I don't know how to make them better.
- The content of the essay: it it fit above requirements and the criteria of the program which I have mentioned above.
Here is the essay's question:personal statement ( 350-500 words )
Please describe yourself and write a clear and detailed description of your academic objectives and the reasons why you wish to pursue them in the USA.
Discuss your goals both in terms of your field of study and your own personal development.
Describe the type of program you wish to pursue in the USA and how it relates to your academic background and interests and your objectives for the future.
The essay is an essential part of the selection process and of your application for placement into an appropriate program. Be sure to include any details that highlight your personality and individuality.
Here is my essay:
Tomato is 3 cent/ kg. Cabbage is 1cent/kg... As the seasons come, prices of agriculture products in my hometown usually drop in such dramatic way. The more the farmers grow, the poorer they become.
My uncle, my aunt, my neighbors ...are all in that situation. Many have to leave home for the city. Many have to find other ways of making a living when they are free from farming. The number of abandoned fields are years by years increasing. This scene makes my heart pain.
Therefore, since being a young girl, I have wished to set up a business in the food processing industry that helps resolve output for agriculture products in my hometown. I wish to create wonderful products which will satisfy all consumers and help a hand in making Vietnamese agriculture products more popular in the world.
With such desire, I decided to be major in External Economics at Foreign Trade University to gain basic knowledge of international trade. However, the more I learn about the business, the more I feel at a loss. What kind of products I will produce? How can I make my products unique and be accepted by consumers? Nguyen Lam Vien, general director of VINAMIT Company, once said that: A successful businessman should bring something new to the market, not chew again and again others' thought. I admire this person and believe in his sayings. It is him who once felt at a loss like me and finally found new ideas with the technology of processing fruit in the vacuum environment when studying in Taiwan. To find the answers for those questions, I decided that sooner or later I also had to study abroad.
My curriculum now doesn't concentrate on business administration. As a result, I lack some important knowledge and management skills, especially in finance, marketing, and entrepreneurship. Therefore, if awarded this scholarship, I want to take a course in retail marketing management and another course in financial accounting. After finishing the bachelor's program, I will go abroad to study MBA in the US then work at a food processing company for some years to gain experience before setting up my own business.
Life is always full of T-junctions which make us choose where to continue. Not all of choices are wise but I think going to the US to study further is a sensible one. Besides excellent quality of education, there is nowhere in the world has such a diverse culture like the US's where I can meet people coming from many part of the world and learn from them valuable experience. Additionally, studying here help me have a chance to access with the latest technology in production and deepen my understanding of this harsh but potential market. From that platform, I hope that my business will succeed and there won't be sorrow on the farmers' eyes when they have a bumper harvest anymore.
( 483 words )
'What kind of products I will produce?' change to 'What kind of products will I produce?'
and put what Nguyen says in quotation marks!
'It is HE who once felt at a loss'
'culture like the US's where I can meet people coming from many part of the world and learn from them valuable experience.'
'there is nowhere in the world that has such a diverse culture, in which I can meet people from many parts of the world, something that will no doubt be an invaluable experience'
You have done well! I would add some more but am v.tired, so will try again in the morning! It's impressive you can write like that without having used English for a long time though...x
...living as alternatives to farming. The number of abandoned fields are increasing, year after year . This scene creates pain in my heart.
Life is always full of T-junctions at which we have to make a consequential decision about direction.
You write very well! Some people write about this and call it a crossroads instead of a t-junction. I like your way! I think you should mention t-junction at the start of the essay, so that the reader sees it at the beginning AND at the end.