Gabygabbs15 2 / 2 Nov 29, 2015 #1Everyone has goals and dreams they want to achieve and for me I am striving toachieve my goal of pursuing a job that makes me happy, attaining a goodeducation at Texas State and making my parents proud.Every goal in life is determined by the actions we do now. I wouldn't be ableto make my parents proud if I wasn't determined to continue my education. Beingthe first to graduate from high school brings happiness and joy to my family. Iknow all those consistent hours of studying and staying up late will be worthit. After graduating high school my goal is to attend Texas State Universityand become a teacher. I am currently involved in a extra curricular programcalled, Teachers in Training were I am getting experience of what it's like tobe a teacher. Becoming a teachers involves helping others and my communityservice help contributes to this. Being in National Honor Society it's arequirement to get at least 60 hours of community service so I'm constantlyinvolved in my community. Yes, 60 hours for one organization sounds like a lot,but helping the community makes me genuinely happy. Helping others describesthe person I am and is required for teachers wanting there students to besuccessful. There is no way someone can be successful if they aren't happy withwhat they are doing. I truly believe teaching is where my heart is at. Myshort-term goals in life is to continue my education which leads up to mylong-term goals which are to get married and raise my own family. There aremany goals I would like to achieve, but they can only come into reality if Iput in the effort.My goals are interrelated because it's my ambition for my success. Myshort-term goals in life are to continue my education which leads up to mylong-term goals, to love my job and be happy with my family. For me, Teachingis one of the best jobs; it's something I would enjoy doing and attending TexasState University would make one of my golds accomplished.
kitkat 4 / 6 1 Nov 29, 2015 #2Overall very good meaning and really good job of portraying your passionThere are a few sentences that need a little tweak ;)For example, when you say "Being in National Honor Society it's arequirement to get at least 60 hours of community service so I'm constantlyinvolved in my community." try wording it differently to maybe something along the lines of "I have also had the amazing opportunity to be apart of the National Honor Society which has allowed me to be constantly involved with my community. Though NHS I have been able to participate in about 60 hours of community services related activities ranging from -list a few of the things you have done in NHS-."Of course this is only a suggestion and most of your essay is very good. I recommend going back and reading it out loud and if anything sounds funny try finding a way to reword it.Hope this helps! Really great job and good luck!!!
justivy03 - / 2,366 607 Nov 30, 2015 #3Gabriella, as I finish proof reading your essay, I conclude that you have the idea for a well written essay.Your essay has a lot of potential to be stronger essay, right now, it needs a lot of improvement on the part ofyour word choice and how you incorporate this words on your sentences.I suggest that you revise your essay, dig a little deeper on what you want to write in your essay, research and do a healthy comparison anduse a different set of words that are strong and will justify your ideas towards the fulfillment of your dreams andaspirations, academically and professionally.I hope to see your revised essay soon and I hope my insights helped!