Hi guys,
I plan to apply to the government scholarship program and this is my personal statement ... I would appreciate your comments since my first language is not English but Spanish.
"There is no success without suffering"
A short phrase like "There is no success without suffering", becomes the exact representation of my life in a country where opportunities are very scarce if you do not have enough resources, that's why the opportunity to apply to a Scholarship program such as "Korean Government Scholarship Program", represent for most young people like me, the ideal door to grow personally and academically.
I grew up in a family like the older sister, we never had luxuries but we never lacked the necessary things to live thanks to the great efforts of my mother, my grandmother and my uncle who he is my father figure since I've never had the presence of my biological father; fortunately we were raised by strong values in an environment of respect and humility, where I learned what discipline, responsibility and effort are.
My family took care to teach me that nothing is easy; that we must fight and strive hard to reach our goals and that everything that comes easy goes easy. My uncle was the first person who showed me that we have to work hard to get a better future, as he left the house very young to try his luck in a completely foreign city, cleaning pools to sustain himself, which helped him to be the professional footballer that today is; my grandmother, taught us discipline, respect for elders and authority, showing us that with discipline and order you can reach goals and overcome any obstacle, but my mother learned tolerance and respect for different ideas, the helpful attitude and, of course, the love of business administration.
Throughout my educational process I have had the support of those three persons; thanks to them I achieved study in one of the best schools in the city, "La Anunciacion School" where religious education prevailed and the level of demands was very high, but due to economic problems I had to be transferred in my first year of secondary school to a state school, "Alberto Elias Fernandez Baena educational institution", where religious education did not prioritize only individual and group skills for a future work and where the academic requirement was different.
I participated actively in activities such as the philosophical forum and the English week. The philosophical forum sought to develop public speaking, leadership and teamwork skills by addressing issues that affect society; In my first year I got the first place with my classmates as the best conference about "Bullying as an academic and social problem", in addition, I obtained the first place as best speaker, awards that were awarded by students of the last semester of philosophy of one of the best universities in the country; The University of Cartagena. My participation making me worthy of the position of "Assistant and co-coordinating student of the philosophical institutional forum"
Furthermore, I participated in the English week, the objective was to develop skills such as creativity, dynamism, body language and especially the dominance of English as a foreign language, for three consecutive years I obtained the first place in activities such as singing, acting and creativity bearing in mind the English language as the main actor.
My presence in the school was notorious in a positive way, which led me to be considered by the student community and by my professors as one of the candidates to be the student representative in front of the school board, at that time I realized what my professors always told me: I have the ability to listen, lead and express myself in an effective, efficient and friendly manner, whose profile was necessary to be able to represent the rest of the students.
Moreover, I tried to enter the university but unfortunately due to economic problems I could not consolidate a university career, besides, just finishing my secondary school I had to face a premature growth when having to take care of my newborn sister; I had to do it so that my brother could finish his studies and my mother could go to another city to work. I had to sacrifice myself in order to give my sister the opportunity to start studying and my brother to finish high school.
However, my passion and interest in Korean culture remained constant throughout my years at school; the cultural difference and the language were something that caught my attention from the first moment, for that reason, I started to study Korean in a self-taught way, trying through applications and websites to get interaction with Korean natives who helped me in my study of the language.
Consequently, my interest led me to take classes this year with native teachers thanks to a volunteer from the "Korean International Cooperation Agency KOIKA" where I had a deeper cultural experience and of course, I reinforced the notions of the language I had acquired self-taught.
Therefore; I became fascinated by the so-called "Miracle of the Han River", which impelled me to want to study in South Korea. It is totally fascinating to see how a nation that during the war was helped by my country and now is a world power which is extending its hand to my nation; a country that maintains the duality between the modern and the traditional, a developed country and leader not only in science and technology, but also an icon in education focused on principles and values, respect for the family and authority, and the formation of agile, adaptable leaders, with strategic thinking and vision.
Hence; The Korean Government Scholarship program, in addition to all the benefits it offers, can open that door called "opportunity" helping me to take the first step towards my academic education and the construction of a better future, besides studying in a developed nation thrives; that emerged from the ash as the phoenix giving us a great lesson to overcome the rest of countries.Dear Aleja,
I believe your essay has some good points: your family background and history is a plus!
Although I think it's a very long motivation letter, see is you can reduce it, otherwise your reader might get tired.
the text feels a bit much on the personal side. Try focusing more on the good than the bad. This scholarship doesn't seem to take into account financial background, so try to brush through this subject smoothly, without being so direct.
If you can structure your text better with bio, experience, and why Korea I think you would have more chances..
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,797 
4780 Alejandra, this essay is definitely too long for the size of paper that you are being asked to complete the presentation on. Remember that you can write on only one side of the paper as well. Try to revise the essay to be prompt responsive using less words. While the overall essay addresses the requirements, the main problem is in the length of your presentation. It is too wordy, contains too much information, and should be edited for highlight and memorable content.
Review your essay and try to eliminate factors that are unnecessary such as the reference to a religious education. You are applying to go to school in a non-predominantly Catholic nor religious country. It is best to not refer to any religion aspects in order to make sure that the assessment of your application is not tainted by particular religious beliefs or non-beliefs.
Your reference to the philosophical forum is confusing. Was it a debate? You are not really explaining that part very well. Either revise it for clarity or, if you cannot do that, skip it. You don't want to confuse the reader as that might make the reviewer stop reading the essay. It would be best to pick only one highlight for each specification in the prompt requirements in order to save on presentation space and create a more brief but highly informative essay.
Your interest in South Korea is not clearly developed in the essay. Where did it begin? How has this exposure helped you improve as a person and as a student? What aspects of Korean education do you feel will make you a better professional? More importantly, why study in Korea when your country offers the same course and scholarship programs are more locally available for you and as such, you stand a better chance of being awarded one? Why KGSP in particular? What doors do you think it can open and why? Don't offer generic directionless, could be applied to any scholarship response as you do in this essay.
Don't give the reviewer a Korean history lesson. Remove the reference to the Han River discussion and offer explanations based on my guide questions instead.
