Please help me. I'd like to know if it is good enough to submit! Scholarship essay, due tonight. Thanks!
List and describe the 5 factors (events, accomplishments, failures, circumstances, special relationships, etc) that have most shaped who you are. (100 words max per description) *
Death of Nanny
My nanny died when I was nine. She had been my nanny since birth. This event is marked in my mind so well because it represents a new chapter in my life. Until my nanny past away, I was dependent on adults. While her death brought sorrow to my heart, it also opened the doors to my independence. I learned to walk to school and back alone, and to stay home alone. In that time of solitude, I learned much about computers becoming more technologically competent than my peers. Her death marked the end of my absolute reliance to grown-ups.
Chatting with Dad
My father talks a lot. Sometimes the words that my father speaks are necessary and other times...he should have kept his lips sealed. But my conversations with him are what I like to think of as his greatest virtue. Unlike other parents, my father speaks to me plainly, giving me advice on everything and anything. He has shaped who I am because he can foresee upon things that come to pass. My father is the lens of experience that I look through - it is tinted with cynicism and pragmatism. When I look through them I am never disappointed.
MTA, going my way?
NYC subways are disgusting. That is a fact. It is because of this that I detest traveling by train. But how can a train ride change your life? For me it is quite simple. I often find myself obligated to eat, sleep and study on the train - trains that smell like public bathroom and dirty metal. I waste a total of 3 hours everyday traveling on those filthy trains. This is an obstacle I fight daily. It has made me into a durable and adaptable person. If I can adapt to NYC subway systems, I can adapt to anything.
Parent's Economic Struggle
My parents have worked hard all of their lives. They have worked for me. They have worked so that I may one day become better than them, to live better than them. Yet, while they believe that if I become successful I will be happy, I think otherwise. My parents' struggle has helped me realize that the purpose to life is to serve others. They are happy because they work to serve me. My happiness with not come from my success - it will come from helping humanity. My parents' economic struggle has shaped my ideas of what life means.
From Quiet to Loud
I was a quiet student. I was the student that said nothing and observed everything. Yet, it wasn't until high school that I was missing out on something. I was missing out on having a voice - an opinion. In high school I realized that I wanted to share my ideas. That I wanted to say something but I was afraid. But then one day something changed. I began to voice my ideas, my questions, and my observations. This change in me has shaped someone more confident in her work and in her ideas. It has made me believe in me.
Greetings!
They are very good! Just a few quick editing suggestions:
Until my nanny passed [not past] away
I learned much about computers, [add comma] becoming
absolute reliance on [not to] grown-ups.
he can foresee [delete upon] things
I waste a total of 3 hours every day [not everyday]
Parents' [not Parent's]
become better than they are [not them], to live better than they do [not them.]
My happiness will [not with] not come
In high school I realized that I wanted to share my ideas, that I wanted to say something-- but I was afraid.
Best of luck!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
thanks for your help, here is my personal statement essay:
____________________________________________________________ _________
What are you most passionate about and how do you see your college experience developing this passion?
The great mathematician Blaise Pascal said that "Clarity of mind means clarity of passion, too; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what he loves." I believe in what Pascal says and that is why I love the study of language. There is lucidity in my passion because there is clarity in my motives for loving language. I see the understanding of tongues as the understanding of humanity. What lies beneath a noun, a verb, a phrase, has the power to move people. It can create and unite the same way it can divide and destroy. The power of language is limitless.
As a Hispanic, my love of language is nourished daily from the transition I make from the English that I speak in school to the Spanish that I speak at home. Long ago, in my childhood, I realized that certain words in one language did not carry the same power in the other. I would find myself translating things literally and finding that its power died on my lips once I spoke them. While in my younger years, I did not give much thought to the reason why certain words in certain languages carried a different weight in them, it was not until I was a teenager that I began to see the significance of my discovery and the graveness.
The significance of what I had uncovered helped me throughout my foreign language classes and even in my daily life. When I read books from Spanish to English I finally realized why translators did not translate the words literally. They translated based on the weight of the words used, what was meant to convey, and how to impact the reader the same way the original language did. The graveness of this discovery fell on me when one day I called someone 'stupid' in Spanish. Up until then, I had not given the word much thought because I often used it in English. However, once I had uttered those words, I could not take them back. They were more powerful in Spanish than they were in English. The word 'estúpido' sounded much more insulting than simply saying 'stupid.'
In my innocence, it dawned on me - how many people must have fought because of a misinterpretation of a word? How many people must have feuded because of a certain tone? How many nations must have gone to war because of a misunderstanding? I realized then that I wanted to learn languages. I wanted to speak to be understood. I wanted to voice my opinions, my feelings, and my ideas for everyone. Language was a barrier of vowels and consonants that had the ability to annihilate but also had the power to create. I saw language as a way to help humanity. Through language, I saw a cure to prejudices, war, and the differences among the human race.
Today, I still firmly believe in the supremacy of language. I believe in it almost as if it were a faith - a faith that is made up of grammar, spelling, fluency, and pronunciation. In believing this, I decided that in order to begin mastering language I had to start by mastering my own first. That is why I decided to continue taking Spanish in high school. I want to perfect my form of expression in Spanish. I wanted to avoid the risk of being misunderstood. And it is now that I feel I am close to attaining that goal. With my studies of Spanish in high school coming close to an end, I feel I must take up another form of expression to stay true to my belief in language. I know very well that my college experience could grant me my wish of taking up a new linguistic ambition - Arabic. My passion for the flow of words in a sophisticated combination of vocal cords with moving lips and articulating tongues would only be intensified if I had the opportunity to learn Arabic.
Like the sciences, I believe the arts especially the art of communication, can be beneficial to humanity. There could be so much disagreement that we could avoid if we understood each other. We can learn so much from someone just by the way they speak. Imagine how well we could understand a culture by understanding their language. Perhaps my linguistic aspiration is an idealistic one but it is sufficiently tangible enough for me to work for it and to desire it. Language is something so interdisciplinary that in understanding one, there is a chain reaction where many other things are understood in the process. Everything is tied to communication, so there is no reason that I should stay tongue-tied when it comes to my dreams.
Greetings!
What a great essay! I absolutely love your opening paragraph! I have just a few small editing suggestions:
I did not give much thought to the reason why certain words in certain languages carried a different weight in them; [use semicolon instead of comma to avoid run-on sentence] it was not until I was a teenager
They translated based on the weight of the words used, what was meant to be conveyed,
Language was a barrier of vowels and consonants that had the ability to annihilate but also had the power to create. - Love this metaphor!!
I believe the arts, [add comma] especially the art of communication,
Well, if it were up to me, I'd want to get you enrolled in my college before some other school snatched you away! :-)) Excellent writing!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
