Hey Everyone!
As is the trend at the moment, I am also applying for studies in Germany. This is my first draft of an scholarship application essay. Please be harsh on me, as an engineering student, my english writing isn't the best so I expect there to be lots of poorly constructed passages and choices of vocabulary!
Thanks
------------------------------------------------------
It was after living in Malaysia as an exchange student for six months, that I realised how incredible it was that I did not speak a foreign language. I had previously studied German for one and a half years at the beginning of high school, so I thought I would try to teach myself German again. I soon became addicted to learning new verbs and nouns, to create ever more complex sentences. This passion for German language led me to organise an internship in Wuppertal, which I completed in June. To me, the most exciting part of my week was the B2 level language course I attended twice a week. I enrolled in it to challenge myself, since initially I barely understood the teacher. I studied my grammar textbook every day after work, and soon, the class had become easy.
I also learned in Germany, that engineering knowledge is not uniform across the world. This was confirmed by my professor who was very impressed with advanced quality of the sample content I showed him for a Masters programme at RWTH Aachen. Due to the global nature of the science community, and the leading position of German institutions in many areas of technical research, it is clearly profitable to me to hone my German skills and complete advanced studies in a German university. This is also advantageous because global employers are seeking people who are multilingual and can produce multicultural perspectives. For these reasons, I will apply for RWTH Aachen and Uni Freiburg, to study the Masters in Microsystems, taught in German.
Germany's Federal Ministry of Education and Research estimates there to be around 1000 companies involved in nanotechnology, with more still in micro technology. Germany's Action Plan 2010 and its extension to 2015 proved the Germany's commitment to nanotechnology through enormous investment. Australia has also recently began the National Emerging Technologies Strategy, to aid the development of technologies like nanotech in Australia. It truly is a global trend with countries like the Czech Republic, Italy, Spain, Japan and the USA also investing in nanotechnology research. Hence, now is the perfect time for me to go for my dream, of starting a micro or nanotech company in Australia. Only through this DAAD scholarship, can I get the top education required to start a competitive company in this cutting edge industry. Ideally, my company will be involved in either medical or renewable energy applications of nanotechnology. In this way I can contribute in a fundamentally positive way to the international society.
I have excelled in my studies of a Bachelor of Mechanical Engineering at Monash Engineering, including a nanotechnology elective, but I can bring so much more than that to Germany. I have honed leadership skills from years of team sports, including soccer, Australian football, basketball and netball. I have captained some of these sporting teams, and have also led volunteering events. Namely, I led over 20 volunteers on a zombie photo shoot in the abandoned "Spreepark" theme park in Berlin. I found volunteer actors, make-up artists and photographers, as well as spearheading an online 'crowdfunding' campaign, to gain funds to pay for event security. I did it because I wanted to contribute to the amazing artistic culture of Germany, and Berlin in particular. I have found I naturally suits leadership roles, because of my confident, motivated and highly organised personality.
I volunteer for Engineers Without Borders (EWB) as well, as part of the local university team. I led a team at EWB in investigating the wind energy potential of my university campus, though data collection and analysis. I write to newspapers on issues important to me like climate change and public transport infrastructure, because I want to make a difference to society in these areas, through shifting public opinion. I am also interested in hiking and caving, having notably climbed Mt Kinabalu in Malaysia, descended into cave systems in Sarawak, Borneo and hiked from border to border in Liechtenstein. The Zugspitze is next on my list. I really enjoyed my total immersion in Germany's culture in the past, and I look forward to finding new ways to contribute to it. I can only do so by combining my leadership and motivation with this DAAD scholarship.
If studying at one of the best technical universities was not enough of a challenge, taking the course in German probably is. I started teaching myself German in 2011, and the rest I learned talking to people in Germany and in my VHS Sprachkurs. To study in Germany I need to pass the DSH/TestDaF, and although I have nearly B2 level German now, I plan to use this scholarship to pay for an intensive course before my Masters Commence. I know that I need to focus on grammar usage and vocabulary building, and have already begun studying in these areas. I also plan to begin another B2 course here, ideally I would pass the B2 exam before coming to Germany in April next year.
There are numerous ways I think the DAAD scholarship and studying in Germany will be beneficial. Firstly, without a scholarship, I will be unable to come to Germany, as I lack the funds to sustain myself while studying. The limitations on work while on a study visa in Germany also contribute to this, and I want to dedicate as much time as possible to my studies to get the most out of my time in the German university. Secondly, I am applying for the best universities in Germany. I have met a graduate from RWTH Aachen, who described a degree at that university as a "bone-grinding experience", a challenge so great only the best can succeed in it. However, he also said you will be highly sought after with a degree from RWTH Aachen. I seek the honour of graduating from a university of this calibre, so that I have competitive edge on others educated in nanotech. Finally, I know the people I study with will also become leaders in their fields, as well as some of my closest friends, so I look forward to meeting them for personal and professional reasons.
As an Australian, I come from a country of comparable affluence to Germany. However, I discovered many things that Australia needs to learn from Germany during my internship in Wuppertal. Firstly, Germany has invested an incredibly in renewables, having much greater production then Australia, despite Australia's massive advantage in potential solar and wind resources. Secondly, manufacturing remains a strong part of Germany's economy, while it has virtually disappeared from Australia's economy. We need to learn to manufacture efficiently again if our economy is to survive tough times.
In summary, I wish to be chosen for this DAAD scholarship, to give myself and edge when starting up a micro/nanotech company in Australia, with which I can provide advanced technology to medical or renewable energy industries, thus improving the lives of Australians. Given this opportunity, I would leave my mark on Germany's multicultural canvas, then bring German ideas back home for the benefit of my people. I am absolutely intelligent and educated enough for this opportunity, and possess the right personality to make a difference. These reasons, as well as my passion for Germany and it's language, history and culture, are why you should award me this scholarship.
Hey connor, below are my comments. thanks for taking a look at my story and I hope you can edit it again after my rewrite (which I will be finished with soon) your suggestions were awesome! Don't belittle yourself- your english is very, very good! I like essay overall. It is well structured and you get your point across nicely, but the grammar can be improved. Your conclusion is a bit shabby as well
*please note that I didn't bold everything, so some corrections I made might be hard to detect. look carefully though)
It was after living in Malaysia as an exchange student for six months, (no comma needed here) that I realised how incredible(I don't think the word incredible fits in here) it was that I did not speak a foreign language. I had previously studied German for one and a half years at the beginning of high school, so I thought I would try to teach myself German again. I soon became addicted to learning new verbs and nouns, to create ever more complex sentences. This passion for German language led me to organise an internship in Wuppertal, which I completed in June. To me, the most exciting part of my week was the B2 level language course I attended twice a week. I enrolled in it to challenge myself, since initially I barely understood the teacher. I studied my grammar textbook every day after work, and soon, the class had become easy.
I also learned in Germany, (no comma needed here) that engineering knowledge is not uniform across the world. This was confirmed by my professor who was very impressed with (the) advanced quality of the sample content I showed him for a Masters programme at RWTH Aachen. Due to the global nature of the science community, and the leading position of German institutions in many areas of technical research, it is clearly profitable to (for) me to hone my German skills and complete advanced studies in a German university. This is also advantageous because global employers are seeking people who are multilingual and can produce multicultural perspectives. For these reasons, I will apply for RWTH Aachen and Uni Freiburg, to study the Masters in Microsystems, taught in German.
Germany's Federal Ministry of Education and Research estimates there to be around 1000 companies involved in nanotechnology, with more still in micro technology. Germany's Action Plan 2010 and its extension to 2015 proved the Germany's commitment to nanotechnology through enormous investment. Australia has also recently began the National Emerging Technologies Strategy, to aid the development of technologies like nanotech in Australia. It truly is a global trend with countries like the Czech Republic, Italy, Spain, Japan and the USA also investing in nanotechnology research. Hence, now is the perfect time for me to go for my dream, (no comma necessary) of starting a micro or nanotech company in Australia. Only through this DAAD scholarship, (no comma) can I get the top education required to start a competitive company in this cutting edge industry. Ideally, my company will be involved in either medical or renewable energy applications of nanotechnology. In this way I can contribute in a fundamentally positive way to the international society.
I have excelled in my studies of a Bachelor of Mechanical Engineering at Monash Engineering, including a nanotechnology elective, but I can bring so much more than that to Germany. I have honed leadership skills from years of team sports, including soccer, Australian football, basketball and netball. I have captained some of these sporting teams, and have also led volunteering events. Namely, I led over 20 volunteers on a zombie photo shoot in the abandoned "Spreepark" theme park in Berlin. I found volunteer actors, make-up artists and photographers, as well as spearheading an online 'crowdfunding' campaign, to gain funds to pay for event security. I did it because I wanted to contribute to the amazing artistic culture of Germany, and Berlin in particular. I have found I naturally suits leadership roles, because of my confident, motivated and highly organised personality.
I volunteer for Engineers Without Borders (EWB) as well, as part of the local university team. I led a team at EWB in investigating t (to investigate) he wind energy potential of my university campus, though (through) data collection and analysis. I write to newspapers on issues important to me like climate change and public transport infrastructure, because I want to make a difference to society in these areas, through shifting public opinion. I am also interested in hiking and caving, having notably climbed Mt Kinabalu in Malaysia, descended into cave systems in Sarawak, Borneo and hiked from border to border in Liechtenstein. The Zugspitze is next on my list. I really enjoyed my total immersion in Germany's culture in the past, and I look forward to finding new ways to contribute to it. I can only do so by combining my leadership and motivation with this DAAD scholarship.
If studying at one of the best technical universities was not enough of a challenge, taking the course in German probably is. I started teaching myself German in 2011, and the rest I learned talking to people in Germany and in my VHS Sprachkurs. To study in Germany I need to pass the DSH/TestDaF, and although I have nearly B2 level German now, I plan to use this scholarship to pay for an intensive course before my Masters Commence. I know that I need to focus on grammar usage and vocabulary building, and have already begun studying in these areas. I also plan to begin another B2 course here, ideally I would pass the B2 exam before coming to Germany in April next year.
There are numerous ways I think the DAAD scholarship and studying in Germany will be beneficial. Firstly, without a scholarship, I will be unable to come to Germany, as I lack the funds to sustain myself while studying. The limitations on work while on a study visa in Germany also contribute to this, and I want to dedicate as much time as possible to my studies to get the most out of my time in the German university. Secondly, I am applying for the best universities in Germany. I have met a graduate from RWTH Aachen, who described a degree at that university as a "bone-grinding experience", a challenge so great only the best can succeed in it. However, he also said you will be highly sought after with a degree from RWTH Aachen. I seek the honour of graduating from a university of this calibre, so that I have competitive edge on others educated in nanotech. Finally, I know the people I study with will also become leaders in their fields, as well as some of my closest friends, so I look forward to meeting them for personal and professional reasons.
As an Australian, I come from a country of comparable affluence to Germany. However, I discovered many things that Australia needs to learn from Germany during my internship in Wuppertal. Firstly, Germany has invested an incredibly in renewables, having much greater production then Australia, despite Australia's massive advantage in potential solar and wind resources. Secondly, manufacturing remains a strong part of Germany's economy, while it has virtually disappeared from Australia's economy. We need to learn to manufacture efficiently again if our economy is to survive tough times.
In summary, I wish to be chosen for this DAAD scholarship, to give myself and edge when starting up a micro/nanotech company in Australia, with which I can provide advanced technology to medical or renewable energy industries, thus improving the lives of Australians. Given this opportunity, I would leave my mark on Germany's multicultural canvas, then bring German ideas back home for the benefit of my people. I am absolutely intelligent and educated enough for this opportunity, and possess the right personality to make a difference. These reasons, as well as my passion for Germany and it's language, history and culture, are why you should award me this scholarship. (work on your last sentencE)
