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Living in a more sustainable environment - KGSP scholarship letter of self introduction.


olutee360 1 / -  
Mar 8, 2017   #1
hello , am an aspirant of kgsp 2017 and we are required to provide a letter of self introduction which i will be posting below, pls i dont do much of writing so i need your criticism and please kindly help me point out where corrections needs to be made and where required thanks .

deepen my knowledge in environmental science



I grew up in a family of 5 with both of my parents till the age of 10 when my father left our home country for greener pastures. Being the first child I had to take the role of the father and take care of my younger ones. I learned to take responsibility as a little child and this really helped me in the subsequent phases of my life where i had to live far away from my family. Right from my young age my parents have instilled in me the importance of getting the best of education and they have always tried their best to get me and my younger ones the best of education. As my father used to tell me to become marketable in my chosen field before going job hunting I also strongly believe the best way to impact and improve the world is by developing ourselves hence developing the world. So I have always taken it upon myself to have the best out of education.

As an undergraduate studying soil science and land management at ( ), i developed a keen interest in organic (green) agriculture where I got my environmental values from. This prompted me to carry out a few organic farming projects which includes the planting of maize with organic treatments instead of inorganic fertilizers, also the planting of ofada rice with organic manure which was the basis for my final thesis as an undergraduate. My environmental values deepened in my final year in the university after taking a course (soil pollution management ) which broadened my knowledge on the decadence the environment and humanity is going through due to modern day technology and human negligence that slowly degrades the planets ecosystem and its natural resources. Afterwards I developed a strong love for our environment and the preservation of it, I have since developed an interest in pursuing a career in environmental science because I believe with the study of environmental science at an advanced level I will harness the required knowledge to enlighten the world on global issues and come up with more sustainable (green) ways of production.

After my degree program in late 2015 i was called to participate in a compulsory 1 year national youth service program which i am presently ongoing and will be rounding off in April of this year. During the course of the service year I was posted to a secondary school in a village in the south western part of my country. This past year really had been an eye opener to me for what lies ahead. As part of a way to serve and give back to the community I carried out several programs in form of sensitization where I talked to the villagers and students about environmental pollution, its implication on the environment and also the importance of living in a more sustainable environment. The village mostly populated by farmers, I taught them greener ways of producing crops with the use of organic manures instead of chemical fertilizers. Practical sessions were carried out and desired results were gotten. I also taught them greener ways of disposing off their waste products through reusing, recycling as most are used to burning their waste products and disposing in water bodies.

I know if given the opportunity to deepen my knowledge in environmental science I will achieve a lot of feats in the field of environmental science by carrying out numerous researches on more sustainable ways to produce goods and services with minimal damage to the environment.

Where more to study science and technology if not korea , a country that has achieved numerous feats in the fields of science and technology over the years and the universities where several researches has brought about this technological advancement. It has always been my desire to study in a Korean university because of the educational rich quality of Korean universities which has placed them amongst the best universities in the world.

Applying for the kgsp program in a prestigious university as the hanyang university which has stood the test of time and showed herself as a true citadel of learning where the competitive study environment will bring about the best in students. Their vast academic research in science and technology as well as other disciplines as attracted me to the university amidst the other also world class Korean universities. Studying in hanyang university will help add to my knowledge about environmental science and also expose me to a lot of realities by exchanging ideas and cultures with scholars from all around the world.

It has always been my desire and dream to travel to korea to witness the great and interesting culture, historical monument, great food, learn to play the table tennis which is my favourite sport to a professional level and also the loving and accommodating people of korea.

Another aspect which motivates me to study in korea is my desire to learn the language which am hopeful will be a reality upon being a kgsp scholar.

Being a kgsp scholar will be a start towards achieving my dreams and helping me be a better member of the society at large.
Jasmine855 3 / 11 5  
Mar 8, 2017   #2
... care of my younger siblings

From a young age my parents have instilled (...) to get me and my siblingsthe best of education.

As my father used to tell me to (...) to have the best out of education.

^this makes no sense
This is what i interpreted: Aside from acquiring marketable skills in my chosen field, I also try to develop other skills that would allow me to have greater power in improving the world such as...(write your own)

... in organic (green) agriculture whereI learned many environmental values.
... instead of inorganic fertilizers, and also the planting of ...

Sentence too long:
My environmental valueswere deepenedduring my final year in the university after taking ...

... and the preservation of it,and I have alsodeveloped an interest in ...
This is because I believe with the study of ...
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,767 4770  
Mar 8, 2017   #3
Taiwo, the self introduction that you have written is a bit too long. You need to compress the educational background in the essay. Rather than enumerating all of your college undertakings, you should limit yourself to the most important aspects of your college life. Those eye opening moments that led you to further embrace the career that was forthcoming for your would serve to be the best topics for discussion covering your college years. Pick only one of those because I want you to relate that experience with your college thesis paper. That way, you can roll the conversation into the mandatory one year national service, which will take the place of your professional experience and hopefully, illustrate a clear motivation for your graduate studies. Since you are applying via the university track, you need to revise the paragraph that you wrote about the university. Try to develop a paragraph that best explains why this university can support the kind of idea you have regarding your education in the field of sustainable environment. Be specific about how you hope the university can help you by mentioning the programs they offer which tie in directly with your interests and skills. With regards to the language learning, the discussion you present of it just comes out of the blue. There is no foundation for your statement that can be backed up by a fully developed paragraph. Try to add more information to the paragraph in order to strengthen the discussion about the Hangul learning opportunity being an asset specially in your line of sustainable environment studies. I may be able to better direct some other parts of your essay after you have completed the edits I suggested here. These are just starter edits to get you on the rode towards a proper essay draft.


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