Hello everybody,
I'm applying for scholarship for UK University and i write a small PS and i want to ask you there if there is a problem with it or not, how can i improve it?
thanks in advance
The PS is:
I am a Palestinian who was born and raised in Nablus. I've finished my BCs degree in Computer Science from Al-Najah University. My educational goal is to obtain a Masters Degree in Mobile Applications, and eventually pursuing my doctorate. While taking my BCs degree, I wasn't imagine and planning to continue my educational degree because the situation in my country, the fee for master degree is so expansive and I can't pay for it, So I've to go for work and begun working after my graduate. There is one university in my country that can teach master in Computer Science, there is 4 Israeli checkpoints to reach the university, every checkpoint checking the identity card, they waste our time for nothing.
My father has a shoe market that was destroyed twice by the Israeli soldiers, we faced a trouble time while studying my BCs, because of that, I worked in a supermarket to help my father pay my BCs degree fee, while my brother help my father in the shoe market. Although my parents are helping me, my financial situation is not good.
My parents did not realize all the important values I had learned from them. Seeing my parents struggle to support me, my older brother has helped me to learn some valuable rules to live by. First, that you must work hard to achieve your goals. Second, that you must never ever give up working for your goals. Third, that anything is possible if you try hard enough. I apply those rules to my life.
Al-Najah University has helped me to realize even higher goals than I could ever have imagined for myself. I had always loved the computer and technology things. In fact, I spend every day around 10 - 12 hour sitting on computer and search for anything new that I interest in, like new technology, programming language, tech news and mobile technology, So, I learned mobile development and become a mobile developer for most amazing, interesting platform. At this point I decided that teaching Computer Science at a community college or university level would be the best job for me.
Through my love for Computer and development, I know I can make a difference in the lives of my fellow Palestinian. I want them to see Computer Science as a wonderful field of exploration. In Palestine, students are very under-represented in Mobile technology. I want to change that, but I do realize that I must take it one step at a time. Currently, I've 1 Year experience in mobile development.
I hope one day to pay my parents back for helping me out when I needed it the most. I also plan to help my community be recruiting other Palestinian into college. I feel this is the only way we can truly advance ourselves and be heard. We must prove that we too are a strong, powerful, and intelligent people. I plan to help my fellow Palestinian by helping local organizations that deal with the Mobile Development and Computer Science. I also hope to enroll at Bradford where I can be apart of their Mobile Applications program.
Hello, I used to be an international student studying in the UK. I like that country and it is a fantastic place for students who prefer quiet environment to study. However, I want to be honest with you, they are hardly to give a master student scholarship,especially for computing science major. If you could get a higher score in GRE OR GMAT,better go to the US,where you could get more than you want.
Generally speaking toward your writting, there are some advices as follows:
1. I don't suggest you to write a full story about why your family couldn't support you financially,may be just leave one or two sentences before talking about why you go to work straightforward rather than go on study if you goal is taking a Phd.
2. University only give scholarships to someone who have better academic or working background. Please explain more about why do you think that you are fully qualified. Have you ever publish some of your research papers? Or, is there any great achievements that you have done at work place?
3. 'I hope one day to pay my parents back for helping me out when I needed it the most. ' At last, it is a bit strange to say with someone who are going to give your scholarships. You have to reclaim that you are a qualified and intelligent person to have that scholarship.
Hope it helps. Good luck for your study!
hello my friend, thanks for reply and i appreciate your help.
i applied for a scholarship that available for crisis country and they support both undergraduate and postgraduate student for full scholarship, anyway, if you can please suggest some info or recommended statement that i can add to this PS, i will appreciate that.
thanks in advance,
Yoyo, you always give such thoughtful feedback.
Hello, Mumen, I'll give some corrections:
While taking my BCs degree, I wasn't imagine imagining or planning to continue my educational degree, because the situation in my country is such that the fee for a masters degree is so expansive and I can't pay for it. So, I have to apply for work and begin working after my graduation.
There is one university in my country that can teach master in Computer Science, there is 4 Israeli checkpoints to reach the university, every checkpoint checking the identity card, they waste our time for nothing.
My father has a shoe market that was destroyed twice by the Israeli soldiers, we faced a trouble time while studying my BCs, because of that, I worked in a supermarket to help my father pay my BCs degree fee, while my brother helped my father in the shoe market.
In fact, I spend around 10 to 12 hours every day sitting at the computer and searching for anything new that I will be interested in, like new technology, programming language, tech news and mobile technology. So, I learned mobile development and became a mobile developer for the most amazing, interesting platform.
I also plan to help my community by recruiting other Palestinians into college.
I think you did a great job here. One of the most interesting parts of the essay is the way you have been affected by the fighting between Israel and Palestine. The way that this conflict has hurt young people is a matter of worldwide concern and interest!
Thank you EF_Kevin very much, i appreciate your help :D
