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Love for ships. Personal Statement for Global Korea Scholarship (GKS) - 2020

dhana13 1 / -  
Jan 23, 2020   #1
Hello everyone. I want to apply for GKS this year and require to make a personal statement. If you have time please help me in correcting my writing both the content and grammar. I really appreciate your help. Thank you.

The personal statement must contain this topics:
o Motivations with which you apply for this program
o Your education and work experience in relation to GKS.
o Reason for studying in Korea
o Any other aspects of your background and interests which may help us evaluate your aptitude and passion for graduate study or research.

Hereby my personal statement:

the bridge to take a doctoral program at PNU

There is a noted quote from Albert Einstein that I could not agree more. It reads as follows, "The more I learn, the more I realize how much I don't know". I have been studying naval architecture for almost 8 years. I even achieved my master's degree and became an associate lecturer at Institut Teknologi Sepuluh Nopember (ITS), Indonesia. Nevertheless, there are a lot of things that I still don't know. Recently I am eager to learn about new things especially related to the ship's design and hydrodynamics. Then I become interested in one topic that I Intend to propose for my doctoral program. I keenly desire to accomplish my doctoral program at the Department of Naval Architecture and Ocean Engineering (NAOE), Pusan National University (PNU) with a concentration in ship design in accordance with my topic. I want to conduct research with the scope of the optimization of the ducted propeller with stators and invent the design standard. Therefore, Global Korea Scholarship (GKS) will be the bridge for me to take a doctoral program at PNU.

Honestly, I have felt in love with the ship since I was a child. I wondered how a huge size of steel can float in the water, meanwhile a small needle sinks instead. So, after I had graduated from high school, I decided to study naval architecture with the awareness of the importance of ship for Indonesia as an archipelago country. Gratefully I got a scholarship from Indonesia Government to study at ITS which is one of the best universities in Indonesia with a naval architecture program. I did not waste this chance and I achieved my bachelor's degree 4 years later in 2016. Then right after I had graduated, I was offered a scholarship from ITS for the master program that eventually I was able to finish in 3 semesters.

To improve my soft skills, during I studied at ITS I joined the student organization. I had been a department secretary, as well as the head of the academic division. Besides that, I also joined some event committee and took part in some seminars that discussed recent issues. Then, when I was a third-year student I got an opportunity to do an internship at Dumas Tanjung Perak Shipyard Ltd., as well as at Lloyd's Register respectively. Those internships provided me unforgettable experiences, such as carried out surveys either on new building ships or existing ships, and ISM (International Safety Management) Code audit on a foreign ship, TW Beijing which is a China flagged ship. Since then, I have realized that there are slight differences between theoretical and practical knowledge.

Then when I was in semester 7, I joined Ship Design Laboratory as a research assistant. This position offered me great experiences, not least how to write a proposal and report either for research or project, conduct a feasibility study or thorough analysis, learn new software related to Computational Fluid Dynamics (CFD), as well as write and publish journal. Through those experiences, I was able to publish one international journal and two proceeding journals. It also gives great leverage for my current career as an associate lecturer that requires work related to education, research, and community contribution.

It is well-known that South Korea has advanced technology in many sectors including the technology of ship. This country has the largest shipyard in the world, Hyundai Heavy Industries (HHI)-Ulsan Shipyard that recently was merged with Daewoo Shipbuilding and Marine Engineering (DSME). This megamerger will have an immediate impact on research and speed up the development of new ship designs. Last year DSME also signed a contract with the Indonesian Ministry of Defense (MOD) for the second batch of three diesel-electric attack submarines for the Indonesian Navy. It is proved that South Korea has global advanced ship technology. Hence, South Korea is definitely the right place to study either the shipbuilding industries or ship design innovations.

Living and studying in South Korea really provoke me not only because of the great opportunities, but also the priceless life experiences it has to offer, such as friendship across borders, expansion of the professional network, and sense of independence. Moreover, South Korea has an appealing culture that enchants everyone around the world to come over. I am eager to learn the Korean language to better understand, as well as the culture. I believe that study in South Korea will give great value to both my career and my life experience. After I graduate I intend to make joint research and students exchange programs between ITS either with PNU or other universities in South Korea. With support from GKS, I am hoping to make my dream comes true.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,377 3372  
Jan 23, 2020   #2
Your overall essay is weak. There is a motivation for the course you want to study but absolutely no solid reason as to why you would want to study in Korea. There is a lack of development in terms of your educational background in relation to Korea and your work relationship with Korea. As such, this essay will not be impressive and will most likely not place you in strong consideration as a candidate. What can you do to help improve this essay?

1. Remove the quote from Einstein at the beginning. It is never good to use someone else's words to explain what you want to say. Your own paragraph, without the quote was good enough.

2. Remove the reference to falling in love with ships as a child. That is irrelevant. As a highly educated person, it is expected that you will have the equivalent of professional experience to present in the discussion. Instead, build up the paragraph about how intrigued you are regarding the ability of Korea to build ships.

The research background is acceptable, but the lack of Korean influence in your studies and professional life worry me. Those are the most important factors considered in this scholarship and you are falling very short of those requirements.

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