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'major in business management' - Stating Career Goals-Scholarship


srdw 1 / -  
Mar 4, 2012   #1
I'm applying for a essay and it asked me to state my career goals and what I expect to achieve by furthering my education. This is what I came up with, please let me know if there are any ways to improve it or if there are any mistakes in it. Thank you!

One of my goals is to get accepted into a 4-year college and major in business management. While majoring in business management, I plan to obtain skills and experience in the business area. I have already taken many business classes in high school to get me familiar with owning a business and I plan to take many other business courses in college.

My other goal is to attain a career in business management. I want to own a business, particularly a clothing store. I want to be my own boss, so I really want to do business management. I want to own a clothing store, because I am very passionate about fashion. I would want my clothing store to be in Miami, Florida, since there is a large population there I know that my business would have to start out small, but in the next couple of years, I would want it to branch out and be national.

When I start attending college, I am looking forward to doing hands on experience closest to business, so I would have a better feel on what it is like owning a business. By achieving my goal, I plan to graduate from a 4-year college with my Bachelor's degree in business management. With the skills that I have already obtained and the skills that I will obtain in the near future, it will help me in what I need to know to own a business.

I hope that I will earn this scholarship so I can go to college and further my education in business. Then, I would be able to achieve my career goal as to owning a clothing store.
Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Mar 5, 2012   #2
One of my goals is to get accepted into a 4-year college and major in business management. While majoring in business management, I plan to obtain skills and experience in the business area. I have already taken many business classes in high school to get me familiar with owning a business and I plan to take many other business courses in college.

My other goal is to attain a career in business management. I want to own a business,

You say the word "business" so much here, you are saying all the right things, but it starts to sound repetitive. Re- word this. Also, you may want to begin with a sentence about your vision of being a store-owner. Mention a few personal qualities that pertain to your area of interest. Emphasize the skills you already have, and link them to your career goals.

I would want my clothing store to be in Miami, Florida, since there is a large population there I know that my business would have to start out small, but in the next couple of years, I would want it to branch out and be national.

This sentence is very long, I would split it up into a couple shorter sentences- strengthen your wording.

When I start attending college, I am looking forward to doing hands on experience closest to business, so I would have a better feel on what it is like owning a business. By achieving my goal, I plan to graduate from a 4-year college with my Bachelor's degree in business management. With the skills that I have already obtained and the skills that I will obtain in the near future, it will help me in what I need to know to own a business.

Strengthen. Show your enthusiasm. You could say: "I am looking forward to the hands on experience that the college offers. I will enjoy the opportunity to learn what it takes to run a business. I plan to graduate from a 4-year college with my Bachelor's degree in business management. My goal is to use my education to build on my plan to open a clothing store."

Add more content, make it more concise, in order to add more reasons why you intend on achieving your goals. Nice work so far!


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