Hi friends, This is an essay that I have to present for my IELTS scholarship and would be grateful if you could point out the corrections to be made and your feedback if the essay is good enough or any changes are required.
Making the best out of opportunities has been my second nature. Though hailing from a conservative family, my father's liberal thoughts aided me to perfect this skill and thus an unknown village girl, seizing the opportunity to study in one of the esteemed universities in UK make it in the bigger league and thus be a benchmark for aspirants from lesser known background.
Presentation, convincing skills and implementation within stipulated time frame is the key to ensure success. Tenacity, perseverance, in addition to optimal use of knowledge and skills, keen grasping power and the thirst to learn has been my driving force to realise my ambition of doing my MBA from global University. Innovativeness and never say no attitude, combined with my parents continual support has thrust me from realms of conservativeness to a world of competitiveness.
At the throes of losing out on a year due to illness during my higher secondary final examinations, appeared for the same and albeit with a low percentage, cleared in the first attempt, thereby saving on precious time. Envisaging a grim possibility of daily survival due to the ongoing financial crunches at home, seized the opportunity to work full time and simultaneously attended my full time college for Bachelors in Management Studies, thus giving me a head start in corporate culture that today, is employed as Manager-corporate affairs in a highly reputed business house.
My father's stoic support and his endeavour to give the best of opportunities to me and my two siblings have put enormous strain on his already meagre resources. Earning this highly coveted scholarship, which your esteemed organization has so very thoughtfully has given for the likes of me, with high ambition but restrained resources has yet provided me the platform to milk the opportunity to alleviate my father's burden whilst carving my future to create a niche for myself, not forgetting the chance given by you to help me contribute to my family and to the well being of the society that we live in.
Making the best out of opportunities has become my second nature. is a skill I have mastered.
This is an idea I had. I don't think second nature sounds right.
At the beginning of your essay, I think you should write a few specific examples to show what you have done and what you want to do. Give examples of what you have done and what you want to do. Tell us about your plan.
Earning this highly coveted scholarship, which your esteemed organization has so very thoughtfully has given made available for the likes of me, with high ambition but restrained resources has yet provided me the platform to milk the opportunity to alleviate my father's burden whilst carving my future to create a niche for myself. I will not forget the chance given by you to help me contribute to my family and to the well-being of the society in which we live. that we live in.
Could you please post your condensed essay taking into account the good comments from Kevin and Maria? I don't want to repeat their feedback again.
Clearly, you should SHOW and not TELL - avoid unnecessary adjectives. Give your specific story i.e. what exactly were your father's "liberal thoughts" that motivated you (what Village and why unknown?) to seize opportunities and be aspiring to similarly unknown others. No need to narrate your skills. Generalities like this: "Presentation, convincing skills and implementation within stipulated time frame is the key to ensure success." do not strengthen your essay.
It is not uncommon to work hard to make it despite economic disadvantages - what makes your efforts unique? What makes you MORE deserving of this scholarship?
