As I walk into the football field in this cool Saturday night, I am greeted by the beat of the drums and various instruments being blasted from each talented musicians. But instead of meeting with the band in the football field on a school night, we met at Kapolei High School for the 6th Annual Kapolei Marching Band Festival on Saturday, November 14, 2015. Our nerves were in excitement, but this year will be different. After our performance, I was convinced that we had performed to the best of our ability. As award time came around, we would find out if we performed the best in our division.
I stood with the seniors of our band and color guard. The MC began to announce the winners of our division for the Sweepstakes category. As the assistant trumpet section leader, I closed my eyes, looked down, and listened closely. Second place had been announced and Leilehua High School still had not been called. A sense of terror, then struck me; either we won first place or we didn't place at all. My heart began pounding hard and fast. As the anxiety in me was reaching a breaking point, the MC announced that Leilehua High School had won first place. Along with my band mates, we scream out with joy and excitement. The award was presented to our drum major and color guard captains. As they accepted the award, my band mates and I cheered loudly from the middle of the field and smiled as tears began to fill our eyes.
Every school year, I spent three to five hours for four days a week, practicing in band and in marching band. With band being such a big part of my life, I've still learned to be committed and determined both musically and academically. As the assistant trumpet section leader, it is necessary for me to know how to work well and communicate with others. I've learned to be responsible, patient, kind, and how to truly be part of a team and more importantly, a family.
When the drum majors and color guard captains was dismissed, our band started running towards our drum major and color guard captains. We then shouted, "LEILEHUA, WHERE YOU AT?! RIGHT HERE, RIGHT HERE! LEILEHUA REPRESENT! WOO WOO YEAH! YEAH! LEILEHUA REPRESENT! WOO WOO YEAH! YEAH! CHEE HOO!" I've been in band all four years of my high school life and through all the struggles and hardships I've faced while in the band, I knew it was worth it. It was worth it, not because of the first place trophy, it was worth it because I won it with my second family. We spend countless times together practicing and rehearsing, and it is mind-blowing knowing our hard work paid off caused us to make history for the first time by beating one of the top bands in the state. We've become a family because of our shared passion for music and if I could do it all again, I'd do it exactly the same.
Please feel free to give me any feedbacks. I really need help correcting this, especially since this essay is due by next week. Thank you!!!
Also if you are interested to watch our marching band show, search Leilehua High School Marching Band Gravity. :)
Alyssa, did you write this essay in response to a specific prompt from the scholarship application? If so, kindly provide us with a copy of the instructions you were given. At the moment, I don't really see how your marching band story fits in with the application. Why the concentration on this activity? How come you have not made any specific reference to the reason why you require this scholarship? What qualifications do you have aside from band membership that could be compelling enough of a reason for you to become a candidate for the scholarship?
Basically, what you have right now is a personal statement. It's relevance to the scholarship application is something that i have yet to determine because of the lack of information on your part. It is an interesting read and delivers a good insight into an activity that seems to be an integral part of your life. So maybe this essay will work for your application. Or maybe it won't. My comments and opinions are still subject to change depending upon the complete instructions that I hope you will be providing soon. I look forward to reviewing your work a second time using the correct criteria for your application.
@vangiespen
Here is the prompt for the Personal Statement. I apologize for not putting it in.
Please describe a personal hardship which you have overcome, and how you overcame
it. How has overcoming this hardship changed your life and your outlook on life? How do you intend to use
this to enrich your academic and personal experiences while attending the University of Hawaii at Manoa?
Thank you for your feedback.
Alyssa, put the brakes on your essay. Your narrative does not respond to the prompt at all. You have written a personal experience essay instead of an obstacle essay. You did not indicate any personal obstacle that you had to overcome on your way to victory. In fact, the story that you told does not, in any way, represent any hardship you had to overcome.
The scholarship committee will be looking for a personal story of hardship or difficulty that will showcase your positive attitude towards life, your hopeful sentiments, and your ability overcome difficulties. They are looking for traits that will tell them that you will be a positive role model and exemplary individual who can represent their scholarship objectives. At the moment, your essay does not deliver that image of you.
Try to do some soul searching. Think back to a time when you failed or felt you could not proceed with doing something in your life, and yet found a way to accomplish what you set out to do. That is the kind of story that you should be sharing in this essay response. Sometimes, looking into the background of the scholarship foundation can help you develop the story from your background that can best deliver their expectations. Look into the history of the scholarship and their objectives or goals. Maybe there was a time in your life when you embodied that so you can tell them about it. Just make sure there is an obstacle involved in the story. Of course, you should somehow connect it the way that experience will enhance your academic and personal experiences while you are a student at the university.
@ vangiespen
Thank you for the feedback. If you don't mind, I have another essay that I need feedback on.
When I first moved here in the United States and enrolled in one of the local elementary schools in a suburban town in O'ahu, I had to adapt into a whole new environment. My parents had no experience yet living in a brand new environment, and in June 2004, we finally settle down in the state of Hawai'i. Because Hawai'i is one of the most expensive places to live in, my family and I lived with my aunt for nine months. A month after moving into paradise, I started attending to one of the local elementary schools and experienced one of the toughest time of my life, learning how to speak English and bullying. Under the guidance of my ELL teacher, I was able to learn how to speak English. In March 2005, my parents were able to rent a home in a small town located in the heart of O'ahu. I was glad, hoping that moving into a new home means that I can transfer to a different school. Sadly, I was wrong. My parents wanted me to finish the school year first before transferring to a different school. Although I didn't enjoy my stay at this school because I was always made fun a lot for not knowing how to speak English, for my accent or for the way I was trying to communicate with others, I told myself that I can do it. After my first school year in Kanoelani Elementary School, I was able to transfer to a school that was actually a lot better than the school I attended before. After four years of being in the ELL program, I was able to communicate with others without being made fun of. Throughout the years after being in this program, my vocabulary grew more and more. I learned from my experience in learning a new language that if I set my mind to it, I will be able to overcome any obstacles that may be in the way. I am thankful for my ELL teachers to have taught me the English language and help me become the type of person that will be able to help my community, whether that community will be immediately around me or thousands of miles away in another country, with the knowledge that I was able to gain and utilize through understanding the English language.
