Please help me by making corrections in this essay which will be due on Wednesday and your comments on this would be a big help for me because this is my first time in writing essays for a scholarship ...
I am applying for Scholarship in Management, which will be started in 2011 in Auckland University. Let me express about my background and reasons why I have opted to take this course.
Since I was young, life was always a challenge. I have had to learn from very early on to manage everything in my life; from finding a balance between my personal school demands to taking care of my family's needs. My passion for management was born out necessity. However, in our age of a highly competitive global economy, pursuing a course with clear future goals is a smarter choice. I am looking for a course that will enable me to better plan my career by giving me the necessary skills and knowledge that employers require. I believe that besides passion, hard work and motivation, a very good training that Management Science and Business Administration program gives in the subject is essential for anyone wishing to gain positions in both the industry and a career in academia. Since the curriculum offered by your university is designed to build on each student's capabilities, I am confident that I will both grow from and give back to the program.
I believe that studying Bachelor degree in Management Science and Business Administration program at Auckland University will perfectly fulfill my aspiration because It has a full range of business and management disciplines that I need to understand how business functions and the complex organizational issues that managers encounter. The programs' core modules such as Business Administration, Management Science and Management of Technology will equip me ideally for entry into a wide range of graduate management positions by enabling me to absorb and make sense of new areas quickly and effectively.
I want to strengthen my knowledge in the field of management and hence applied for the post graduation course in Auckland University. I still feel that there is more scope of knowing details on topics like managing a company, solving managerial challenges in ever-changing economic environment, strategic management, intercultural challenges in human resource management, and improving productivity of workforce.
I started out unsure of where to go for a degree in Management. I explored other Universities and their programs, but when I discovered the University of Auckland University doctoral program, I knew it would be a perfect fit. Reading about the program on the University of Auckland website helped me find that there are several professors, such as Helen Timperley, Viviane Robinson, Wendy Kofoed, who are doing research in fields I have an interest in. Some of my research interests include the organizational structure, compensation and benefit plans, and turnover rates of small businesses, how technology has impacted the workplace, and the effects of culture on a workplace. I think the University of Auckland will provide me with the opportunities and mentors to make me an excellent researcher.
I hope to be given this wonderful opportunity. I had a rocky start as I was discovering my path, but my experiences have truly led me to becoming a successful, hard-worker. I know that if I am chosen for admittance into this program I will make the University of Auckland proud they chose me. The efficiency of Osaka has always fascinated me. It will allow me to compare and cooperate in a diverse environment, with people representing the excellence of the world; I would have a huge honor.
I wish your kind consideration for having me to as a meaningful student in the class and am a part of a great Economics school and one day you will be proud to count me as an alumnus.
Hi,
here r some corrections which i think u might think about too
My passion for management was born out (of) necessity.
-I am looking for a course that will enable me to better plan my career (BETTER), by giving me the necessary skills and knowledge that employers require.
-I believe that studying Bachelor degree in Management Science and Business Administration program at Auckland University will perfectly fulfill my aspiration because It (it) has a full range of business and management disciplines that I need to understand how business functions and the complex organizational issues that managers encounter.
AFTER THE ABOVE PARAGRAPH, U HAVE WRITTEN :
"I want to strengthen my knowledge in the field of management and hence applied for the post graduation course in Auckland University."
-> Firstly u r saying that the bachelor degree program will give u an advantage, then u r saying u wanna pursue post-graduate degree...I dont know how it works at U of Auckland , but this sounds really confusing. So please re-check it according to the course u r applying.
-> I have not much knowledge about the structuring of a scholarship essay, however I would advise u to read as many scholarship essays as u can possibly, so that u will have more ideas.
-> try and fit a quote from any famous management scientist or entrepreneur which personally applies to u... tell them how that line affected ur thought- i think it will add more variety to ur essay...
These all are my views, u might b having different ones.
GOOD LUCK N CHEERS-I hope u get the highest scholarship.
a quote for u:
"Never tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon "
Hi Virginia, let me show you how ti excavate the brilliant writing that is here:
Since I was young, life was always a challenge. I have had to learn from very early on to manage everything in my life; from finding a balance between my personal school demands to taking care of my family's needs. This is all vague, and it is a little cliched. But look at this!----> My passion for management was born out necessity. However, in our age of...---This is a great intro! I think you should start with this.
... a highly competitive global economy, pursuing a course with clear future goals is a smarter smart choice.---Smarter than what? I changed it to "smart."
I am looking for a course that will enable me to better plan my career by giving me the necessary skills and knowledge that employers require. --It's okay to use "better" the way you did here. I see why Ajit had the idea to move it, but actually, it is okay this way, too.
I started out unsure of where to go for a degree in Management. I explored other Universities and their programs, but when I discovered the University of Auckland University doctoral program, I knew it would be a perfect fit. ---This stuff should not be included. It's fluff. It does not mean anything.
This is very good:
Reading about the program on the University of Auckland website helped me find that there are several professors, such as Helen Timperley, Viviane Robinson, Wendy Kofoed, who are doing research in fields I have an interest in. Some of my research interests include the organizational structure, compensation and benefit plans, and turnover rates of ... This specificity is great, but you need to back it up. What have you done to pursue those interests? Are you just listing topics, or are you really interested? Give some evidence. What have you blogged, what have you done, what are you reading, etc... something substantial to back up the claim.
I wish your kind consideration for having me to as a meaningful stude This part should be revised. It does not really make sense... just simplify it! :-)
Great enthusiasm... they will like you! Serious students are inspirational.
