Hi I need help with my essays. Sorry to ask at the last minute. I really appreciate your help in both grammar and content of the essays.
LEADERSHIP & INFLUENCE QUESTION
Chevening is looking for individuals that will be future leaders or influencers in their home countries. Explain how you meet this requirement, using clear examples of your own leadership and influencing skills to support your answer.
(minimum word count: 50 words, maximum word count: 500 words)
One of my greatest accomplishments was to organise an international maritime defence show. Joining the events company two months prior to the event, I worked with 3 other interns whom took on different roles. Being the eldest, I took the lead by coordinating the interns to work with other teams to ensure smooth communication and work efficiency. I contacted the embassies and delegates to arrange the bilateral meetings between Navy representatives of different countries. I persuaded the French delegations to alter their bilateral meeting room booking when it clashed with the Indonesia's appointment.
At the age of seven, I was appointed to be my first leadership role - class monitor. From then on, my six years of primary school education had been filled with all kinds of leadership position like prefect, class monitor and subject representative. At the end of my primary school education, I hated being a leader. Leadership became a burden when classmates started to call me names and expectations from others became too pressurising. Moving on to secondary school, I rejected all leadership post and became a follower. Taking a step back allowed me to observe other leaders. An incident that totally changed my perception and redefine the meaning of leadership.
Nearing the end of my first year in military band, majority of the new recruits quit. The drum major and I managed to persuade a few out of many to stay. From then, I learnt that leadership is more than being strict or in control of a situation. Leadership is about managing setbacks and leading the team to overcome them. It is also the ability to foster effective relationship through trust and acknowledging the efforts of others. From then on, I took on the job of section leader and head secretary.
Proceeding to the polytechnic (high school), I was active in seeking leadership position. Being the team leader of my final year project group, I planned the milestones of the project and assigned tasks to each member. We would meet each week to discuss and combine viewpoints into one encompassing idea ensuring we have meet the goal. During the start of the project, we had to change our hypothesis due to insufficient data to support it. Having done our research, I suggested to be more specific with the hypothesis. We were able to start our data collection much earlier than other groups and had ample time to write our report. I often lead by example, most find me personable and became loyal to me.
I learnt throughout the years that leadership is not simply just being strict and in control. It is about being yourself and never let anyone or anything change you. I did not change but my perception of leadership changed, from the young immature viewpoint to the realisation of what it really is.
Hello there, I'm not an expert but I'll try to help you out...
1. 'Joining the events company two months prior to the event, I worked with 3 other interns whomwho took on different roles...'
2. 'Being the eldest, I took the lead' Sounds a little passive. What has being the eldest have to do with what you did? Maybe you'd like to rephrase to "I felt responsible over the interns and collaborated with other teams..."
3. 'At the age of seven...' I think you need to somehow link it. The content from the paragraph above doesn't mention your age, so suddenly talking about an event when you were seven seems abrupt.
4. 'I was appointed to be my first leadership role - class monitor' > At age 7, I was appointed as class monitor - my first leadership role.
5. 'From then on, my six years of primary school education had been filled with all kinds of leadership position like...'
I think you can condense this part down. You seem to be giving me a list of roles, but I don't really need to read all that. Why not say something like
'My teachers/peers in school recognised my leadership potential and thus, I was often called to step up as a leader, be it in school, club activities...' etc etc.
6. 'Nearing the end of my first year in military band, majority of the new recruits quit.' Perhaps you'd like to use more emotive language here. Didn't you mention above that you started hating leadership roles 'cause people weren't very nice? Why not use that to draw a comparison: you hated your leadership roles, but the band was something special to you - so you made an effort and your efforts in trying to get the newcomers to stay in turn taught you the values you listed above. Also, seeing as you were from the military band, if it was a reputable one, you can sort of link it to why you want this maritime defence thing.
7. You seem to be harping on a lot about leadership positions :/ Try to write about your work > than your position. Talk more about your personality and attributes that made you a good leader in secondary school and in poly. Talk about responsibility and determination, that you are passionate for things you care deeply for and those around you unknowingly become infected with your enthusiasm and responsibility.
(Feel free to boast just a little about yourself and say stuff that you think people might think about you. You were BM; people would've told you that you were amazing at sight reading or that you were a very kind person - write that in instead of "I was leader of xxx". Draw up instances where your 'leading by example' was shown - maybe while telling juniors to move things, you'd be the first to gather all the files and stands and move them down, or you'd quickly move everything down so you can come back and ask the percussion team if they needed your help)
8. 'I learnt throughout the years that leadership is not simply just being strict and in control.' Once again, shift the word 'leadership' around, don't keep putting it at the front of your sentences.
9. 'I did not change but my perception of leadership changed...' Perhaps, "My leadership opportunities changed my perception of leadership."
10. '...from the young immature viewpoint to the realisation of what it really is' = from thea young immature viewpoint to the realisation of what it really is.
^ Even so, what is it, really? Summarise it in one word. Google good phrases and idioms by famous leaders and rephrase them if you need to.
As mentioned before, I'm not a professional and this is just my two-cents worth. I know that emotive language is perhaps not everyone's strong suit, so if you're uncomfortable writing it like I do, don't worry about it. Hope you have enough time to re-write it for our community to take a look at again :)
Neo, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay, well, indeed it's last minute and the Chevening Scholarship is wrapping up, anyhow, it's not too late, you still have a little time, having said that, I'll work on the last 3 paragraphs of your essay, I believe this is the part that needs a little bit of enhancement.
3rd paragraph
- NearingTowards the end of my
- first year in the military band,
- to persuade a few out of manymembers to stay.
- From then on , I learned that leadership
- From then onIn this regard , I took on the job of section leader and head secretary.
4th paragraph
- ProceedingMoving forward to the polytechnic (high school),
- leadership position. B,b eing the team leader of my final year project group ,
- During the startIn the beginning of the project,
Final paragraph
- I learntT hroughout the years that leadership is not simply just being strict and in control.
- I did not change buthowever my perception of leadership changeddid ,
- from the young immature viewpoint to the realiz ation of what it really isleadership and life is a whole .
Neo, I know that were against time now and this is not good, for future applications, mind your time and manage it well and I do hope my direct remarks helped!
