I need help with my personal statement for applying scholarship (AAS).
So... any feedback is welcomed.
Please let me know if my essay is too long or there's any grammatical error.
And, thank you so much for any help you can provide
Q: How did you choose your proposed course and institution?
solving indonesian issues
Indonesia and its neighboring countries suffered from the recently worst forest fire between September and November 2015. From what I read on the news, a smog outbreak in Southeast Asia in 2015 may have caused over 100,000 premature deaths. The haze is an annual problem caused by fires set in forest and on carbon-rich peatland in Indonesia to quickly and cheaply clear land for palm oil and pulpwood plantations. As an auditor, I have seen myself rubber factory located deep in Sumatera forest, which later I found out, it's not a forest but palm plantations. The fact that Indonesia is the world's biggest palm oil producer and exporter and its industry employs nearly 5 million workers, is what I believe as the main cause of annual forest fire. The root of the problem is the practice of forest clearance known as slash and burn, where land is set on fire as a cheaper way to clear it for new planting. No to be mention that the fires are caused by the "collective negligence" of companies, smallholders and government (which isn't investing sufficiently in preventative measures).
Personally, it's such an eye-opening event that lead me to start caring about what is happening in Indonesia environment, especially what is happening in Indonesia forest. Ever since I realize how serious annual forest fire in Indonesia, I develop a passion for getting more knowledge about how to create a sustainable economics in my country. Sustainability looks to protect natural environment, human and ecological health, while driving innovation and not compromising our way of life.
For those reasons, I decide to pursuit further study for sustainability coursework in master degree. My first option is Master of Environment coursework in The University of Melbourne. The University of Melbourne is has an outstanding reputation internationally, it's ranked #1 in Australia and ranked #33 in world based on Times Higher Education World University Rankings on 2016, and it's also widely known as Australia's leading comprehensive research-intensive university. What interests me the most are their research projects and internship opportunities for students which is great for developing skills and knowledge that will give me an edge in a competitive employment environment. My second option is Master of Environmental Management in The University of Queensland. Ranked in the world's top 51, The University of Queensland is also one of Australia's leading research and teaching institutions. Its Environmental Science is also in the world's top 30 according QS World University Ranking. Both programs also offer various disciplines that are involved in addressing sustainability issues which surely will help me to reach my full potential.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 11,205 3646
Meilia, when you are asked for the method by which you chose your proposed course, it cannot be something that seems so whimsical as it is in your current essay. Instead, it must reflect a connection to your current profession, your professional requirements for higher study, and the benefits that you will gain in the practice of your profession upon your graduation from this course. Your decision to enroll in the course should be more specific than just the widening of your interest in sustainable environments, that reason does not sound like it has a direct relationship with your career. As for the reasons why you chose the universities, leave the ranking of the universities out of the discussion. That is irrelevant to your decision to enroll in one of the two universities. Instead, the response has to relate to the kind of learning, training, and practical experience you can receive from the university as it applies to your interest in the field. You need to show a familiarity with the course offerings and training programs instead of the general references that you make in the current version of your essay.
Hello Holt, thanks for your feedback.
Actually the next question in supporting statements needed in the scholarship application is "How will the proposed study contribute to your career?"
l just made general references how I picked my proposed course and left out connection between my proposed program with my current profession. Because I think I will try to connect for the second question.
Don't you think it will be kinda repetitive if I write same ideas in next essay?
Thank you very much for your help.