Hello everyone!
I'm applying for a Scholarship to study Masters in Materials Science Program in one of my preferred institutions.
Motivations and Plans
To the Consortium Selection Committee:
Have you ever tried swimming in a flood? Our family did that for several years. Heavy downpour will usually result in floods in low-lying areas. Every time our bungalow house reaches knee-deep water, it's an indicator us to seek temporary shelter. It has become an unfortunate annual tradition until my parents decided to move on to the outskirts of Xxx. I came from a country situated in the pacific ring of fire blessed with water resources but one of the most high-risk countries in the world for experiencing natural disasters from earthquakes to floods. Living in a resilient nation such as the Xxx, disaster recovery and public safety is usually overlooked by the public sector.
I started my interest in research when I took the Xxx course in my undergraduate studies. It's the application of Heat & Mass Transfer, Materials Science and Organic Chemistry principles to pioneer a product or service. Working in a group, I was able to develop my interpersonal and critical thinking skills wherein it took us a couple of attempts to get the product proposal approved striking that perfect balance of originality, raw material availability, and marketability. During the mini expo, I was able to communicate the benefits and profitability of our product to a hundred fellow students, professors, and industry experts resulting in a Xxx choice award.
In my first few years of Xxx, part of my responsibilities includes the identification, reduction, and elimination of hazards through process improvements and the creation of safety programs. Currently, as Xxx, I was able to standardize procedures and develop automation projects to eliminate risks and strengthen internal controls in the terminals nationwide. I also worked with the local community in aiding disasters during fire, flood, and earthquake. Through this, I was exposed to a common problem during calamities: injuries and fatalities came from poor disaster response usually for poverty-stricken communities.
I aim to work in an organization focused on the innovation of disaster-relief products made from sustainable and advanced materials. Through the Xxx Program, I intended to be an innovator with a deep understanding of the underlying concepts of Physics and Chemistry and its applications. With its multidisciplinary approach, I will be exposed to various disciplines with the help of research experts addressing a common issue. Among six universities, Xxx is the only university that offers the Nanostructures course in the first year which would supplement my study of fundamental material properties at the nanoscale. Aligned with its mission to create products from research, I would like to continue my second year at Xxx.
Upon completion of the master's program, I will focus my research on the development of cost-effective and sustainable new materials. Through the international network, I will build through Erasmus, I will be instrumental in developing a long-term disaster risk reduction system in my home country.
Thank you very much in advance for considering my application.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 What is the connection of the story you told at the beginning with your interest in this course? Was that your motivation for enrolling in the relevant undergraduate course? You have to better connect that story with the rest of your essay or, do not use the story at all if you cannot connect it. Being motivated by the event to study the undergraduate course is a good start. However, an update to the story, in relation to your completed undergraduate course, in reference to your motivation for masters studies need to be further explained. The motivational story needs to connect and come full circle in your presentation. That is missing in the presentation. Your post study plan needs to be more specific. What do you hope to address upon graduation? Through what specific organization? How does the Erasmus Mundus network fit into the discussion?
Don't focus on your personal experience at the start. Use a public reference to the Ring of Fire and effects of flooding on your community. That way you can better explain a national motivation for your studies. That will be more effective than asking a hypothetical question at the start that the reviewer may or may not identify with. Pretend he can't identify and use a more practical example for your motivation instead.
This is a good draft, but it has several holes that need plugging to create a more solid statement. I hope you can use my observations and suggestions to help you better direct the content of your essay. The potential for a strong motivation and impressive post study plans are there. You just need to make it more noticeable to the reader through the use of specifics and relevant situations
