Hello, everyone. I am Risma Inayah from Indonesia. I need your help to review my essay. I really appreciate your comments and feedback. Thank you. Have a nice day.
Having a degree in psychology and experience volunteering at Women Crisis Centre has helped me realise that Gender-Based Violence (GBV) in women and children's cases is still lacking awareness and remains taboo amongst Indonesian society. The negative impacts of the COVID-19 pandemic in socioeconomics welfare and obligation to social isolation have also increased GBV's cases. Therefore, comprehensive efforts are needed to overcome this issue, for example by initiating community empowerment. Overcoming GBV issues align with the Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs) 5: achieve gender equality and empower all women and girls; thus, they can live free of violence and empower themselves, contributing to sustainable development. However, achieving this purpose requires sufficient knowledge and skills, which can be sped up through pursuing a Master's degree in Social Work.
Monash University (MU) comes as my first preference because it offers a Master of Social Work armed with electives subject that concentrates on GBV's issues, such as Family Violence, Social Work Practice, and Recovery Trauma. These subjects meet my future goals to overcome the GBV's issues. Moreover, the other subjects, i.e., Research for social work practice and Assessment and Intervention: Working with Communities subject, will allow me to obtain strong problem-solving, writing, and systematic thinking skills in dealing with GBV's issues. Finally, as a world-leading education system (ranked 55th on QS world-rankings 2021), MU provides a comprehensive learning system that will enhance my ability as a social worker.
My second preference is the Master of Social Work (Qualifying) at the University of Sydney. This course also offers subjects that I need, such as Violence Against Women, Working with Communities, Social Policy Frameworks, and Social Research. I believe that these subjects, along with the education facilities, will shape me as a great contributor in preventing GBV's cases in Indonesia.
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The negative impacts of the COVID-19 pandemic in socioeconomics welfare and obligation to social isolation have also increased GBV's cases.
Include information prior to Covid, during Covid, and a projection regarding GBV once the pandemic is lifted or within relaxed lockdown situations. Do not just focus on Covid-19 because your skills need to develop in preparation for the post Covid GBV scenario more than just GBV within the Covid 19 setting.
These subjects meet my future goals
-Such as? These goals must be discussed as specific motivation factors that led to your decision to seek an MS certification as a professional in this field.
will shape me as a great contributor
-Hyperbole. If you can relate your training to specific family protection programs of your country or in relation to women's rights / protection as it is applied in your country, the reference will be clearer and more relevant to the discussion.