Hello Everyone:
I stumbled across this site and I am so glad that I did. I am applying for a scholarship for a Masters degree in Transportation Management. They are requiring an essay of 300-400 words on "Your career objectives in the Transportation field". I loved the tips that Kevin spoke about and I tried to incorporate them in my essay. I would greatly appreciate any feedback anyone could give me. One additional item is the essay is a bit longer than the 400 word max (the word count is 538) do you think it would be ok to submit it the way it is or does anyone have any ideas on cutting it down a bit without losing the feel of it.
Thanks everyone
Here it is:
It is an indisputable fact that the population of the world has been, and will continue to increase at an expediential rate. As new technology creates cures for the diseases that have cause premature death to those in the past, we are finding a never ending population surge within the major metropolitan cities of the United States. That being said, New York, which most will consider to be the epicenter of the world, will find itself the focus of attention when it comes to new and innovative ways to transport their masses each and every day. Many of the other transportation authorities throughout the world will review what the New York City Transportation Authority (NYCTA) is utilizing in the upcoming years and benchmark those ideas to assimilate them into their own system. I have been fortunate for I have not only been a part of the previously mentioned epicenter- New York, but I have also been a member of the NYCTA where I have helped to create new and innovated ideas as well as maintain the Signal infrastructure each and every day so that its passengers can arrive to their destinations safely.
Recently, I was selected to be a member of the Supply Logistics Team created by Mr. Thomas Webb, Vice President of Workforce Development at the NYCTA. This team's function is to assimilate into existing hierarchy modern concepts in Organizational Management in order to optimize employee performance and productivity through a problem solving team approach. It was through working with this team that I found my true passion- Supply Logistics. The constant flow of materials in and out of the Authority feeds each and every system that compiles it just like the food we eat every day fuels each and every part of our body. In comparison, without a fluidly functioning Supply Logistics Department the NYCTA would cease to exist just like without food we would cease to exist. This intrigues me and has caused me to focus my attention to obtaining a position where I can have the greatest affect. I have fashioned several innovative ideas, such as using Radio Frequency Identification Devices (RFID) technology to track and locate materials within the system to accurately forecast their use, need, and reordering points. This will not only save the NYCTA monetarily but will show the rest of the world that we are ahead of the curve when it comes to Supply Logistics. With all of this in mind, I plan to be in the position of General Manager of the Supply Logistics Budgetary Department in the short term, where I will prove that my education, experience and ability to find innovative ways to improve current practices, will make me indispensable. For the long term, I have aspirations to be the Vice President of the Supply Logistics Department within the ten years following my graduation from Polytechnic University. The one thing that I lack in order to accomplish my goals is the advanced degree in Transportation Management from Polytechnic University. By honoring me with the AITE scholarship, you will afford me the opportunity to see my plan finally come to fruition and allow me to obtain the education that I currently lack but so desperately desire.
Franklin Lechner
You have a structural problem in that first sentence:
It is an indisputable fact that the population of the world has been, is increasing and will continue to increase at an expediential (do you mean exponential? That would not be accurate. You'll have to just somehow say it is increasing but not use the word exponential.
And I don't know the word expediential, but if it is a real word I apologize for crossing it out! :-)
...I have aspirations to be the Vice President of the Supply Logistics Department within the ten years following my graduation ---This is great because it shows that you understand the need to visualize something and make it happen. However, this vision seems ARBITRARY. So, that is still a problem. Do not aspire toward an arbitrary goal. Instead, aspire toward an altruistic or otherwise meaningful goal. If you randomly choose the position of VP as your motivation, you will not be as convincing as an applicant that purposefully chooses some goal associated with benefiting people in a specific way or perhaps bringing about some kind of reform, improving the nation, etc.
You write very well! Please help some other essayists on the Unanswered list. :-) Welcome to essayforum.
