So the prompts are below. I think that my essay would correspond with option 1.
I also need to lessen my essay to 500 words max.
I also used this question as a guide. Please let me know if I have not included all aspects.
The lessons we take from failure can be fundamental to later success. Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. "How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience?"
Essay 2: Select One (500 word limit)
Please write on ONE of the following topics:
Option 1: Tell us about one of your proudest achievements and why it is important to you.
Option 2: Describe an experience which caused you to change your perspective and/or opinion. How did this affect you?
Option 3: If you could change one thing about your community, what would it be and why?
Stan Gudder, an American mathematician once wrote, "The essence of Mathematics is not to make simple things complicated, but to make complicated things simple," A few year ago I would have strongly disagreed with Gudder's statement. "Trigonometry, Geometry and Algebra. Oh No". These Mathematics topics were my most feared enemies. They were not partial when punishing me. I knew within myself that if I wanted to conquer the IB math exam then I had to understand the esoteric, yet required content, of each class.
At that time, passing the IB math exam was my main goal. I knew that this would not be an easy challenge, yet I was willing to do whatever it took.
In my preparation for the IB, I was going to excel in math class and achieve an average above 90%. This seemed like an impossible task but I was determined to achieve it. I realized that I had to change my negative attitude towards Mathematics. Since the beginning of this year, I have opted to participate in class and ask various questions. I became an inquisitively garrulous individual, speaking more than I ever did in any of my other classes to grasp every Mathematical concept. I was on a mission to be successful. I started going to office hours. Office hours helped me a great deal in accomplishing my goals because I was able to receive one on one tutor from my Math teacher, Ms. Leno. "Ding Ding", fourth period was finally over and it was time for lunch. Walking into Ms. Leno's room, I could hear her at her desk saying, "Give me a minute Abigail, I'm going to warm up my lunch!" Walking back from the the teacher's lounge, I could smell Ms. Leno's beans and veggies. It smelled so delicious, that sometimes my stomach would grumble because I was hungry. Nevertheless, that wasn't important because I had an insatiable craving for Math. Sitting down at a pair of desks, Ms. Leno and I shuffled through my folders, looking for past homeworks to go over. "Ms. Leno, can we go over numbers 4,5,6 and 9 from homework 2.17? I really had trouble understanding those questions". As we began going over the questions from the homework, Ms. Leno would repeat the equations that I needed to answer the questions. Gradually I was getting the hang of the different types of questions. Consistently going to office hours for help really increased my understanding of topics that have longed confused me.
I am benefitting from this change because not only do I see an improvement in my understanding of arcane Mathematical concepts and achieving my average above 90% goal, but I am now able to offer assistance to my peers who do not understand certain lessons. Reaching home at 7 p.m, I immediately sat down at my desk and dived into my homework. Two hours passed. "Math? Done, English? Done, History? Done, Spanish? None, Research? Done!" Finally, I finished my homework and was ready to take a shower. I put my books and folders away in my bag and walked into my room. As always, I got distracted and decided to check my email. "Click Click" Scrolling through my email, I deleted emails that were not important. Remembering that I was going to take a shower, I grabbed my clothes from off my bed and headed for the bathroom when I heard my G-chat notification go off. I turned back and walked towards my computer, it was Brian Lee. "Abigail, can you please help me with the Math homework?" My shower was now delayed. Eager to help my classmate, I went back into my bag, pulled out my folder and took out my math homework. Being able to go through each question while explaining it to Brian really showed how much I, as an individual improved tremendously in Math.
I am an individual driven by belief. With hard work and determination, I believe I can achieve what I set my mind to do. My old enemy Mathematics is now my best friend, but like any friendship we have our problems. Nevertheless, with my new mantra, "If I can dream it and believe it, then I can achieve it", I have taught myself that I can achieve anything.
I think that your writing really flows and incorporates storyline with effect/outcome. One suggestion would be to maybe add a little bit more self reflection to improve the balance between narration and recounting, but that isn't really a big deal.
"Walking into Ms. Leno's room, I could hear her at her desk saying, "Give me a minute Abigail, I'm going to warm up my lunch!" Walking back from the the teacher's lounge, I could smell Ms. Leno's beans and veggies. It smelled so delicious, that sometimes my stomach would grumble because I was hungry. Nevertheless, that wasn't important because I had an insatiable craving for Math."
This experience may benefit from a little bit of rephrasing, because for a while, it seems to not go anywhere. It sounds a little out of the blue until the last sentence, so maybe condensing it a little would help improve this part?
Your second paragraph has a lot of examples, which are good, but they sometimes seem a little disconnected--like pieces that are just placed one after the other. This makes the essay seem a little discursive and the reader may get lost in all the stories. Maybe shortening it a little or making it a little more concise will help.
- A few years ago I would...
- ...yet I was willing to do whatever it tooktakes .
- ...I was going toshould excel in math class and...
- ...achieve an average of above 90%.
- I started going to office hours.(what is "office hours" is this a math group?)
- Office hours greatly helped me a great deal in accomplishing my...
- ...one on one tutorial from my Math teacher,...
- As we beganbegin going over..
- ...the equations that I needed to answer the questions.
@abby, you have a well written essay and KUDOS to you for loving numbers, that's not really one of my favorites yet I still strive to get even grades.
The corrections I made above is very minor, I hope you follow thru, pay attention on the use of verbs and tenses.
