Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
As I boarded the yellow school bus with my classmates, I was both afraid and excited. I was only ten years old at the time and had never traveled without the security of my parents. The bus driver told us to wave to our parents, and I did, still pondering the activities we would do at our stay at Arrowhead Camp, Ca. We were going to stay there for a week. Some students were joyous because that meant a week without school work, but I and a few others, the outcasts on the bus, saw it different because we saw this camping experience as a learning opportunity to fuel our education. Little did I know that I was about to embark on a fascinating experience that would affect my attitudes and habits. Arriving there, no one knew what to expect.
I exited the bus with my clothes and camping supplies and walked with my class to the camp. I was starting to feel homesick, missing the sight of my parents and brothers. I walked into camp a dependent child and when I left, I became what I am today. After the first few dull days were completed, my thrilling outdoor science camp trip commenced.
As I was sitting in the room with some friends telling scary stories, rousing our fear of going outside, my counselor, Bubba, walks in and boldly says, "Come. Put on your shoes we're going outside." I did not know what to think, my fears of the stories being true were being fulfilled. We left the bunkhouses and walked into the forest. With other groups there, the main counselor said "We are going to walk you to a specified location and your goal is to walk back to us." At first I thought, "Wow! He must be crazy, its pitch black out here." It really was; I could only catch a small glimpse of the other groups, standing there like mere shadows. I watched other students do it and an unexpected sense of courage began to rise in me. Soon enough I was saying to myself, "C'mon don't be scared" It was my turn and I was trying to hold my fear back, not wanting to look like a fool to everyone. He took me to the location and said "Wait until I say you can start walking." I stood there dumbfounded. I walked, carefully, trying to walk in the same path I saw my counselor take. I managed to return to my group, astonished that I had done it. That night I discovered that I have to ultimately depend on myself and from that night on I became the young independent individual who will try to accomplish things first himself, and only if needed, ask for help. That week was a maturing point for me, leaving the shoes of a child and becoming a young adult, no longer relying on my parents' comfort. I still look back at that decisive week and smile to myself.
Any help appreciated.
Nice job.
Is this essay for a journalism or english scholarship? The begining makes it feel that way. This should be fine no matter what type of scholarship it is, just be aware of your decision.
"at Arrowhead Camp, Ca." sounds weird to me. First off, was this CA (California) or Canada? The next sentence says you were staying there a week. Could you just say "our week-long stay in Arrowhead"?
The next paragraph is where you lose your power. You set up the essay as a very intruiging story, but the very next paragraph is already alluding to the end. My advice is to keep the story more linear so the reader can experience your maturing point as it unfolds.
The main paragraph has an assumption that the reader knows what your fears were and what the rumors the young child heard were about. Before this paragraph, you should go into a lot more detail about how and why you were an outsider, WHY you were so afraid and anxious about camp, and maybe even the details of what other children told you about what could/would happen to you at camp. Why didn't you think you would handle it well? Why couldn't you lead yourself through the forest in the dark? Paint a picture of the scared and under-confident child.
Don't switch that verb tense in the middle of a sentence:
As I was sitting in the room with some friends telling scary stories, rousing our fear of going outside, my counselor, Bubba, walked in and boldly said , "Come. Put on your shoes we're going outside." I did not ...
That night I discovered that I have to ultimately depend on myself--- this is my favorite part of the whole essay. I like it, because it made me have an experience. It made me understand how a particular experience away from one's parents can make the kid suddenly really become aware of the fact that s/he is the ultimate authority of this life and the only one who can determine its process. You expressed it perfectly.
However, I think you should not write the whole essay about this experience. I hope you can keep that powerful sentence -- "That night I discovered that I have to ultimately depend on myself." -- but condense all this material into a single intro paragraph. Let that experience of self-reliance be the THEME for the essay, but write the essay about an experience that happened when you were OLDER, something that REMINDED YOU of this experience from camp. This is just my idea for you; it is not necessarily a good idea. I hope it helps to inspire you as you keep working on this... but you are that final authority.
