Pls help me read and evaluate.
PERSONAL STATEMENT
Summarise the ways in which your personal background has encouraged you to want to make an impact in your home country. You should indicate areas in which you have already contributed, such as having overcome any personal or community barriers to or in higher education.
I have always wanted to move medicine to a greater height in Nigeria and the world as a whole. I realized at a tender age that Nigeria medical sectors lacked the requirements for proper diagnosis and prognosis of diseases. I grew up in a community where there is underqualified medical practitioners, laboratory practices, laboratory tools and poor medical care, and people die daily from diseases that could be easily prevented or treated. While I was in secondary school, i decided that i was going to be a medical doctor. In 2012, I wrote my first jamb, and applied for medicine at Niger Delta University, but I wasn't given admission and I felt my dreams would be unaccomplished. I almost gave up but i didn't. A friend introduced the course biochemistry to me, at first, i had the impression that biochemistry was useless to life because in Nigeria, only courses like Medicine, Nursing, Med lab, Law, Engineering and Accounting were relevant in Nigeria. I never knew the impact biochemistry has in medicine, but I learnt a lot that day. That year, I bought a new jamb form and applied for biochemistry and my dad was disappointed because he had the idea that biochemistry wasn't relevant to the society, but i made him understand the usefulness of biochemistry to life. In 2013, I was given admission to study Medical biochemistry at University of Calabar.
Although my first year in school, a lot of people in other departments tried discouraging me about my course of study because they had no idea of it's relevance to humanity, but I try my best to enlighten them about the potentials of biochemistry. In my second year of study, I learnt that biochemistry is not just subjected to only diseases but man's environment as well and I fell in love with my course of study, and i realized that Nigeria needs more of biochemists to help improve our health sectors. In 2016, during my 3rd year in the University, I served as an undergraduate intern at Gilead hill clinic , using the medium to learn and also contribute to my community's health sector. After completion of my undergraduate degree, in 2018 i thought secondary school students biology at benihap academy in my community, i used that as a platform to correlate biology and biochemistry, thereby creating awareness about biochemistry.
My career goal is to develop new and existing test procedures for disease conditions which can be useful to not just Nigerians but also the world. Also, i aim at creating a good medical laboratory centre for all social groups , because everyone deserves to be healthy. The last objective i aim at accomplishing is to create a research center for all biomedical students, this can pave way for new discoveries of solutions to global health issues. I don't want my goals to end up as just an idea but a reality. (500 words)Hello,
first of all, good luck for your scholarship application.
Concerning your essay, I have two things to say:
- on Form: they have some words that are unnecessary repeat like in the sentence "... because in Nigeria, only courses ... relevant in Nigeria" and "Although my first year ... to humanity, but I try my ...". I think you need to reread yourself and correct some mistakes that have slip in. I also think that sometimes, your sentences are too long.
- concerning content: I think the main struggle that you faced is that people tried to discouraged you because they taught your choice of study was useless. Even you believed that at first, until you research the subject and convince yourself and others of usefulness of biochemistry. But it's difficult to follow you. You need to structure more yours ideas, one idea by paragraph and suppress sentences that convey the same ideas.
