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Mind/body medicine; What are your educational goals? / Goddard College


cblove9632 3 / 7  
Apr 11, 2013   #1
This scholarship is due 4/15. Any feedback will be useful. The prompt is: What are your educational goals?
As a side note: In case it looks familiar to some, I got part of this essay from another one I submitted recently about my career goals. It is a completely different essay, topic and scholarship.

Several years ago, I had no health insurance and neither did many of those around me. This is what initially prompted to inquire about nutrition and other self healing modalities. It was not long before I was fully engaged in researching and studying whatever I could get my hands on about mind/body medicine. It has since become a full-time endeavor of compiling the knowledge that inspires my current career plan of starting my own Wellness Coaching practice. Finishing my degree is an important part of this pursuit. I will attend Goddard College to finish my Bachelor's Degree and then get a Masters in Holistic Nutrition.

In pursuit of my education, I plan to incorporate academic projects that will greatly impact not only my studies but also my skills as a coach. I have a sincere interest in making good health feel accessible to others. To explore ways of doing this, I will do an internship at a local shelter where I will offer my coaching services. This internship is important to my education because by providing support to those in need I will gain invaluable interpersonal skills and get credits for school. For my senior project at Goddard, I plan to draft a workbook compiled from a combination of my current studies and the research I have done throughout the years that I can later use with my clients. I intend to utilize my education to learn how to maximize my skills and resources.
Misius 4 / 12 3  
Apr 13, 2013   #2
in making good health feel accessible to others

sounds not natural. Something like being in a healthy form accessible...

compiled from a combination of my current studies and the research

compiled is already a combination

Overall your essay is nice but sometimes I find it difficult to understand what you mean. Maybe, you should divide some of your sentences into two. And I think this essay is rather short. You can definitely include some examples from your personal experience! Good Luck!
di10di 2 / 6 2  
Apr 14, 2013   #3
This is what initially prompted to inquire

This is what initially prompted me to

It has since become a full-time endeavor of compiling the

This sentence is a bit weird. Hmm try I have since then endeavored to accumulate as much knowledge as I can to prepare for my future career plan of...

compiled from

compiled with

All in all, I think your ideas are good but your sentences are a little funny. Say, some words seem out of context? Some tweaking will do. Good luck. :)
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Apr 16, 2013   #4
Several years ago, I had no health insurance and neither did many of those around me.

Several years ago, I did not have any health insurance and so did my friends.

Several years ago, I had no health insurance and neither did many of those around me. This is what initially prompted to inquire about nutrition and other self healing modalities. It was not long before I was fully engaged in researching and studying whatever I could get my hands on about mind/body medicine.

.... The link is pretty weak between the first line and the second or third. The reader tends to wonder why you talked about insurance because it does not have any reference to rest of the paragraph.

In pursuit of my education, I plan to incorporate academic projects that will greatly impact not only my studies but also my skills as a coach.

In pursuit of my studies, I intend to incorporate academic projects that have a significant influence on my studies as well as my skills as a coach.

To explore ways of doing this, I will do an internship at a local shelter where I will offer my coaching services.

This internship is important to my education because by providing support to those in need I will gain invaluable interpersonal skills and get credits for school.

This internship is very important for my educational exposure because by providing support I would be more confident while gaining invaluable interpersonal skills.


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