"There is no miracle in real life" Self-introduction for Korean scholarship

hello, i'm also applying for KGSP. My English is not so good. therefore I need help to convince them. Please give comments if there is any mistake. especially in grammar and meaning of essay. What I have to write is,

o Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
o Your education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
o Your motivations for applying for this program
o Reason for study in Korea.

Rules for the future

My name is Oyunomin. First of all I want to say "There is no miracle in real life". Real life exists among thousands of competition. And I am a competitor who have to be assessed among them. Everything those including happiness, welfare, and wealth is created by myself, by my hand. So I always try to improve my cognition, skills, especially standpoint about the life. My realization about the life began when I couldn't apply the job which I want to,after hold a bachelor diploma because of my lack of education and experience. Then I realized that I really need to develop myself for being satisfied myself. I began to dream to become highbrow who is responsible, confident and preferential person in social environment. So I framed 3 rules in my mind for my happy future. These are 1) to learn from life, 2) struggle becoming valuable person, 3) study as possible as I can to top out. Since I started race against time, therefore I am always in time where I have to be. My personal achievements exceed beyond school, however. But it was better late than never.

I was born in year of the Mongolian Revolution which was a democratic peaceful revolution. I feel grateful for destiny to raising in democratic country. In my early age, I was the one who responsible to take care of my brother who is 5 years younger than me, because our parents were busy with their work in order to earn money to support our living expenses. My mother is one who encourages me keep learning and upgrading ourselves with knowledge. She always supports us to become successful person. We had learnt to be independent where we did everything by ourselves without letting our parents worried. I think, it made me feel about responsibility for the first time.

I graduated from 14th high school with a 95.43%, ranking third amongst my schoolmates. Then I entered at Mongolian University of Science and Technology as a Business Administration in Tourism management. Not only was I involved with academic classes, I also worked in a restaurant approximately 30 hours a week in order to provide own daily expenditure. It was hard in the beginning, but later my daily routine became more easier due to I scheduled the time precisely. In addition, in my undergraduate year I learned to work in team because we are undertook the assignments by team.

It is obvious to me, I'm going to gain great experience such as being responsible, straightforward and innovator as long as I work in company. I started working Swiss Agency for Development and Cooperation as an office manager with one year contract. From the beginning of my working day what I have found is to pick co-workers brain and to be innovator. I always necessitated to mud up. Indeed I have learned to work others through this experience and it has shaped me into a responsible adult. Most importantly that job gave me enthusiasm to learn foreign language. So I went to India to study English language within 6 months. Regardless of radical decision shift in culture and educational system, I excelled in my new setting. I graduated from Texas institute of India in 2014 as an intermediate-advanced level of English, ranking first of classmates. When I came back hometown I studied at National Academy of Governance implementing Agency of Government of Mongolia as a master degree of Public administration. I was one of the best researcher among the classmates and it is always proved that teachers have rewarded me top score. Being the best student with on-hands experiences and interpersonal skills would be firm benchmark for my further education and work. I graduated from academy in June 2016 with a 3.5 GPA. The subject for a thesis was "Relevance between performance indicator and appraisal of government employee ". Luckily 2015-2016 was progressive years of my life. While in academy I managed to take challenging courses for specializing my profession because I thought that I have to know about characters of people to maintain friendly relations in every field. I studied in Mongolian Human Resource Management Innovation Academy as a Human resource manager, secretary, and archival official. I had been a monitor of class who responsible for others, lead classmates, and manage teamwork. Besides I studied in Narumi makeup studio as a professional makeup artist because I really interested in make-up. After ended makeup course I have invited to work as artist in make-up studio which I studied, and work there from 5 a.m until 12 p.m everyday. I have managed all these activities simultaneously because of my willing to live wire and to be learner. Through all of these experiences I have learned to act as a leader, work in groups, and organize my time appropriately.

I needed to take a break from studying while my child was born, but I am now re-energized to return to school to study more, and gain the knowledge and skills I need to pursue my dream. Now my aim is to study in Korea and learn about its language and culture as well as gain the knowledge from high education system. In recent days, Mongolian-South Korean relations are rapidly intensifying. Korea and Mongolia share close racial, cultural and emotional ties, and are even called "brother countries". Based on this special relationship, the two countries have achieved remarkable progress over the last several years in the fields of politics, economics, trade and people-to-people relations. The relationship in the field of politics has been appealing my interest a lot. Because I chose to study the major in politics or international relations. During my study term I want to learn from experience of Korean development which is highly developed country and I have a strong will to lift a finger for development of my country in a years ahead. This is my ultimate goal to be a woman, I want to be. I am absolutely convinced that studying in Korea is a big opportunity to make my dream come true.

KGSP stands for what I believe in. To reach my goals, I need as much help as possible. I already have knowledge, but that is not quite enough to make my dream come true. I hope that your organization can help me reach this dream by awarding me your scholarship.

Oyunomin, the biggest problem that your essay contains right now is that it does not make any reference as to why you chose to study in Korea in a manner that personally relates to you. The program demands that you live in Korea for about 5 to 10 years with the first year dedicated to social immersion and integration through the learning of the Korean language. Then, 2 years of actual study, and then a number of years working in the country. You say you have a child, so you will be separated from the child for at least a decade based upon the academic and work demands of the program. Justify why you can do that. What is it about Korea as a country and people that attracts you to go there over your maternal instinct? Why can you sacrifice your life as a mother and your relationship with your child for the possible opportunity to study in Korea ? Defend that stance in relation to your desire to study in Korea so that your essay will be complete. The response I hope to help you develop to that part of the essay will make your written work stand out from the other applicants. Once you perfect that response, we can work on coding the other problem aspects of the essay. Focus on the missing and highly important element of your essay first. The rest will be easy to fix.

thank you so much for your advice. i'm gonna fix my essay including your idea. it's a good point that i don't notice. after corrected i'll publish again

Holt,
hi, I fixed some things in my essay that you mentioned. So, can you please give me comment again? And my essay is too long which doesn't pile in one page. How I shorten this without underflow? here is:

First of all I want to say "There is no miracle in real life". Real life exists among thousands of competition. And I am a competitor who have to be assessed among them. Everything those including happiness, welfare, and wealth is created by myself, by my hand. So I always try to improve my cognition, skills, especially standpoint about the life. My realization about the life began (...)

I see a number of points where you can cut down on the content due to irrelevance to the prompt. Let me point those out for you below:

Paragraph 2: Summarize the points included in this paragraph. Shorten the references to your family by covering only the points directly related to your relationship with them. There is no need to outline the number of family members but, you can discuss your role in the family unit instead.

Paragraph 3: Revise the information to remove the reference to high school grades and your part time job. The part time job is not related to your current work so it is not necessary work experience. Instead, write a summary of your college studies, focusing on any important achievements you might have had.

Paragraph 4: You need to review that paragraph for content. Shorten it to only the most specific information regarding your additional studies. You can remove the first few sentences and instead, just open with the information about studying English for 6 months. Remove the reference to being a class monitor and all reference to working at the make up studio. Those are not relevant to your current line of interest for your studies.

Paragraph 5: Discuss the "brother countries" concept and how you feel it applies to your quest to study in Korea. Don't delve on the Korean dramas and the like because all other candidates will be discussing the same thing as their motivation and reason for wanting to study in Korea. Be unique. Find a more important reason for your interest.

Revising those portions should help you to better fit the essay into a single page, font size 10.