Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Scholarship   % width Posts: 2


Mom, Guitar, Heritage -3 factors that have shaped me and changes to my community


AllTimeLowYo 1 / -  
Mar 16, 2010   #1
Please help! Any would be appreciated =] (grammar, content, etc)

List and describe three unique factors that have most shaped who you are (any obstacles you have faced or passions you have developed are especially relevant). 100 word limit per factor.

My Mom
My mom has been giving me advice throughout my life. Her vast knowledge has significantly sculpted me as a person, her guidance paving the path of my life. I would not be the person I am today were it not for her. She has helped me make important decisions that will affect my future as well as decisions with personal problems, providing a basis for my personality. Her compassion and care towards me has made me the same way, her boundless love and counsel shaping me into the benevolent, understanding person that I am.

My Guitar
I got my first guitar when I was ten years old. Ever since then, I have been playing it religiously. As a way to relieve stress, I pull out my guitar whenever I feel overwhelmed by school or personal problems. Because I am very shy by nature, I used my guitar as an outlet for expressing my emotions. This day to day activity has helped me with being expressive, and has shaped me into an honest and straightforward person.

My Heritage
My Indian heritage has also shaped me into the person I am today. I was born in Mumbai, India, and moved to the United States when I was two years old. Hindi was my first language. My parents still speak it to me at home, although I mainly speak in English. Because I am Indian, I have different values and beliefs. These beliefs influenced my character. For example, I believe in more personal relationships with my family and friends. My views are different, my expectations a little more conservative than those of others, thus shaping my disposition as a person.

If you could change one thing about your community, what would you change and why? (100 word limit)

If I could change one thing about my community, it would be to create a better sense of unity. Potomac is considered a very opulent area, and is occupied by many haughty and sometimes even superficial people. More community-wide activities, such as holiday events and block parties, would help people to develop more personal relationships with each other, and in turn create a more integrated community. This increased affability and trust helps to foster an ideal environment in which there is more safety and overall genuinity.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 17, 2010   #2
The one about your mom needs some concrete examples. Many people could write the same essay about their moms. Make this one unique, and give an example to show how her influence is related to your choice of career.

...This day to day activity has helped me---- is this missing a word?

What does the guitar have to do with honesty? I know the answer is hard to explain, but try to capture it in a sentence, because that is the sort of thing that makes an excellent essay!!!

I don't see errors, but you are guilty of ambiguity. Even your example is vague:
Because I am Indian, I have different values and beliefs. These beliefs influenced my character. For example, I believe in more personal relationships with my family and friends. --- what does that mean? You can be more specific and really tell us something about yourself.

The last one, about the community, is excellent!!!
:-)


Home / Scholarship / Mom, Guitar, Heritage -3 factors that have shaped me and changes to my community
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳