world of data analytics
Hello,
I am applying for scholarship and I have to write a letter of motivation. I have prepared the first draft and need peoples feedback. I think I have said whatever i wanted to say, but little concerned about sentence structures and grammar. Any help would be appreciated.
Dear Sir or Madam:
My purpose for applying to this master program is to both expand my knowledge and gain enough experience that can be channelised into something productive in Nepalese IT industry. Working in a health data analysis company for about 3 years made me realise the importance of data analysis and the impact it can make when the right analysis is done. Also, facing various challenges when processing and managing the data got me thinking that these problems need to be addressed creating a scalable solutions. This kindled in me, an immense motivation to pursue Masters degree in computer science with big data analytics and machine learning being the focus of my research. I believe that the experience and knowledge that I will receive in this program will help me to realize my dream.
When I decided to pursue a degree in Information Technology, my ultimate goal was to equip myself with the academic tools to solve the real world issues. Getting an opportunity to pursue my undergraduate studies in India with full scholarship greatly nurtured my passion. For my first undergraduate project, I decided to create a complete E-Rental solution, keeping in mind the hassle people had to go through to find rooms and apartments in Kathmandu. Not just a website to showcase my knowledge, this project was a complete user experience for rental solutions. An A+ on the project and appreciation from teachers helped me boost my confidence and aim higher. Throughout my academic career I have shown great interest in picking up projects that will help me go one step further in understanding the studies and developing proficient ideas using the knowledge gained. In my final year project, I was involved with a research team which mainly focused on stenography and steganalysis. Together with my team, I spent numerous hours studying papers, experimenting new ideas and evaluating results. These days gave me an insight into the methodology of conducting research.
My interest towards data analysis started taking shape when I started my professional career at [company Name]. It was here when I got chance to work on technologies like google analytics, google search appliances, hierarchical database etc. I also had an opportunity of working in a log mining framework, identifying the bottleneck and optimizing the algorithm. Later when I moved back to Kathmandu and started working at [Company Name], I was moved to see how data analysis done right can create a huge business and at the same time help people improve their lives. At [Company Name] I intensely worked on data processing, data visualization and also became aware of the challenges in processing huge data and running algorithms on it. My experience at [Company Name] encouraged me to expand my knowledge on data science and I ended up taking and completing online Data Science Specialization course by John Hopkins University. This course provided a broad overview of the field of data science and made me familiar with typical problems and solutions that data scientists encounter in the field. However, I am aware that my knowledge and skills pertaining to data science and big data technologies is so insufficient. The desire to acquire these skills is one reason why I am attracted to this program.
This Programme provides me with the chance to gain knowledge from various cultures in Europe and offers an adept route to becoming a successful entrepreneur and contributing to the world of data analytics. The program does so by focusing on an array of fields from analytics to data mining, cloud computing to big data, data management to business management, all relevant to a successful organization. I would like to reaffirm my belief that a Master's degree in Erasmus Mundus Joint Master Degree Programme in Big Data Management and Analytics (BDMA) is a vital part of my future plans of becoming a successful entrepreneur. Although the journey ahead will be rough, I believe I possess the necessary skills and perseverance to adapt and thrive. I am sure I will prove myself to be a worthy candidate if the privilege to pursue this Master's program in your universities is bestowed upon me.
Your's Sincerely
[Name]Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,797 
4780 Mohit , your first paragraph is on the mark in terms of explaining your motivation to learn. However, the next 2 paragraphs are more geared towards the statement of purpose so you have to remove those sections from this essay. You can replace those 2 paragraphs with a single paragraph that explains why you gained an interest in the University that you have chosen, which is separate from the reason you chose the program. The motivation letter can be as short as 3 or 4 paragraphs. It doesn't have to be extremely detailed but it does need to show the development of your interest in the field. With that said, the first paragraph is strong enough to deliver the direct motivation for your desire for higher academic learning. You basically have your first 2 motivations spelled out with the first and last paragraph of this letter. Just develop the connecting paragraph regarding what motivated you to apply to the university and your letter should be set.
@HOLT Thank you for your valuable feedback. The reason I have laid out the 2 paragraphs like that is because of the what they have asked for in motivation letter, "A letter of motivation explaining your motivation to join BDMA, and why you should be elected.". I was trying to explain my motivation to pursue Data science but as you said I should be more focused on why I want to pursue Data Science in that university. Thank you for the point out. I will try to rewrite those two paragraphs.
I would really appreciate if you could also point out any grammatical or sentence structure flaws (if any).
Thank you once again.
