Hi, I want a review on my essay.
Prompt: Describe your motivation and commitment to return to Africa after graduation and outline a brief proposal detailing your plans for when you return to Africa (keep responses between 300-400 words)
"I promise on my honour. To be faithful and loyal to Ghana my motherland. I pledge myself to the service of Ghana. With all my strength and with all my heart. I promise to hold in high esteem. Our heritage, won for us through the blood and toil of our fathers; and I pledge myself in all things to uphold and defend the good name of Ghana. So help me God."- Ghana National Pledge. This anthem has been my source of incentive right from childhood and as a Ghanaian, it is my duty to service and protect my country and Africa as a whole.
Corruption is a major issue in the world and the problem is critical in Africa and as a matter of fact, I am committed to returning to Africa after my graduation from University of Toronto as a MasterCard Foundation Scholar where I will be empowered to use the journalism skills I had attained from University of Toronto to work together with fellow investigative journalists to expose the misdeeds of corrupt bureaucrats in the hope of getting the clean and patriotic politicians and public officials to take actions against them.
Moreover, the education sector is noted to be particularly prone to corruption and this is seriously affecting the most vulnerable in the society because of failure to pay bribes to school officials and enrollment officers, thus, creating differences that infringes their educational rights and also contributes to the number of social vices in the country. Therefore, I will hope to sensitize the public through news stories in the hope of getting policy makers and the Ministry of Education to set policy reforms and code of conduct that will punish school administrators caught in the act and also serve as a deterrent to others.
In conclusion, thanks to technology, Open data, for example, allow journalists to elaborate huge amounts of information so that people can effortlessly have access to stories at an international level, too. Therefore, I will offer self-sacrificing service to the people by creating public awareness program. This program will educate the people about the dangers of corruption and how it hinders the economic growth and development and encourages them to appear and testify when they witness corrupt practices by individuals and public officials, thereby increasing the standards of public accountability and serving as a deterrent to future officials.
Words: 393
Nana, I agree with the remarks and corrections that Irham did above, it will definitely enhance your essay if you follow through the remarks.
More so, I believe, presentation wise, you can merge the 2nd and 3rd paragraph into one full second paragraph so that your essay will not present
too much paragraphs and will not appear that lengthy.
I must say that the anthem you follow and live by is a very good choice, sometimes we just need that constant reminder
to boost our confidence and keep us going. Technology has also did a lot of tremendous job in turning our lives upside down and in
a very good way than we can ever think.
Furthermore, the essay has a good mix of what the current events are and the path that you want to pursue later on in both your academic and professional
advancement.
I hope to see your revision and follow through on the remarks made and post your essay back here on EF so we can assist you further.
