Why did you choose your proposed course and institution?
I remember that day like it was yesterday, the day I met the computer for the first time. It consists of several different parts, firstly there was a box with a display like a tv at my home at that time, also other wires that connected to a narrow white box which making a vroom sound, a "processor" that pulling my attention from the tv like box which was called "monitor". Then there was little thing called a mouse and a keyboard consists of many little buttons. When I first touched mouse then little arrow shaped thing on the display moved but felt uncomfortable.
This was a moment of curiosity. I was being full of passion to explore what's inside the computer, how this thing even works. Since that day I happen to come to my mother's office every day and even there is a slight chance to sit on a computer even for one minute I tried to use that effectively. However, that didn't work out long. Because that was inappropriate to come over at someone's office every day. Days have gone by and a few years later the internet cafe opened near to the school. Circumstance changed I spent most of my leisure time at the internet cafe doing research to determine what do I need to learn about computer. As a result, I found out I needed to learn about programming.
In order to learn about programming beforehand I had to learn English. Every whole day was dedicated to memorizing new words in English, surfing the internet cafe, learning programming languages all beside school works. Consequently, I recognize myself, every day as I try blindly I will achieve nothing. Hence I perceived, I need to learn from the best ones, I need proper knowledge from the best PhDs, universities, moreover, I have to study abroad. For this reason, I promised to myself; accomplish the undergraduate degree, then study abroad for pursuing a master degree.
Now that I achieved my undergraduate degree, I want to move on to the next level of my goal.I like the flow of your story-telling. What is usually missing for supporting statements for admissions are anecdotes that showcase your personality and how devoted you are to the field. I would only suggest that you try to be more professional or formal with your language as this is an academic requirement. You can still be creative while maintaining a serious tone in your essay.
For instance, I can recommend this formatting for your introductory as:
I can recall the first time I laid hands and saw a computer. The complexity of its parts fascinated me: the box that was alike a television, wires that were connected to the box which made noise, [...]
Notice how I was still describing the scenario while still attempting to be innovative with the way that I describe it. You have to use more adjectives and make mention of your feelings as the event is happening. Doing this can enhance your essay's overall look because it will show how dedicated and passionate you are about the object at hand.
Having said that, while I do believe that your essay suffices in terms of showcasing your personality and passion, I recommend that you also make mention of the technicalities of the degree. Talk about why you want to be part of this university - what about the curriculum you are looking forward to. Talk about the curriculum and about what fascinates you about the country (as you are applying as an international student). Talk about what excites you about this opportunity.
If you can make a comprehensive statement that will showcase your love and devotion to both the career and the institution that you wish to be a part of, it will greatly benefit your essay.
Best of luck.
