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Multicultural Scholarship and how I helped the community.


theonejosue 2 / 6  
Mar 17, 2010   #1
The following is the prompt:

1.Give a brief autobiography describing your motivation for pursuing a college degree, your personal and academic achievements and include reason(s) for applying for the Multicultual Scholastic Award Program.

2.Describe your educational and professional goals.
3.Discuss your views concerning the challenges and benefits associated with living in a culturally diverse society.
5.Give concrete examples of what you have done and what you plan to do to promote diversity in your school or community.
4.Describe your philosophy regarding community service and highlight your involvement.

Please tell me what you think of my essay and about any grammar or things i could fix. Thank you

Here is what i wrote:

When I was a little boy I lived in front of a school bus stop, everyday I would bring my little stool and reach the window, to watch as students boarded and went to school on the bus, I remember wanting with all my heart to go to school with them. My name is Josue Garcia and ever since I was very young, I wanted to continue with a higher education, it all started with me standing at that window every day and my longing for school. In school I try to do my best, my hard work hasn't been ignored and during my junior year in high school I received three prestigious awards, given only to one student in each class grade: Academic Excellence in English and U.S. History, and a third one for Excellence in Spanish grammar.

My career goals are quite simple: they consist of achieving a degree in Mechanical and Energy Engineering, to be part of the front line for today's and tomorrow's energy needs. I want to help and instruct future generations in what needs to be done to ensure all our energy needs are met, specifically in the line of alternative fuel acquisition. Wouldn't it be wonderful to stop and reverse all global warming effects? I want to do just that, to help our entire nation in alternative fuel innovations that could one day help us live the greenest lives possible.

Being in a culturally diverse society helps everyone, and benefits them as well. I being part of one, has helped me understand and immerse myself in other cultures that I thought at one point where dull and boring. No culture Is boring or dull they all are colorful and show so much about an entire society.

In my community it is important for me to help people who are not really understanding the culture of our neighborhood, like this year when we got a new student at school from Mexico. The new student knew only Spanish, so I took it upon myself to tutor him every morning, he soon knew almost fluent English and passed all of his first semester classes. Apart from doing that community service I helped everyone communicate with him, and see the true person behind his challenge in the language. In doing community service I came across the thought that you don't just help your community but you also help yourself; since you live in the community you help yourself. Even if you didn't live in the area that you help, you still get to enrich the lives of others in the work that you do for them. If I can help someone, why not help them? Do to others as you would like to be done to you, and everyone likes to be helped.

xxkixzplayaxx 4 / 10  
Mar 17, 2010   #2
No culture Is boring or dull * they all are colorful and show so much about an entire society.

* puncuation?.. may be
OP theonejosue 2 / 6  
Mar 18, 2010   #3
thank you. I will put a punctuation in there.
EF_Susan - / 2,365 12  
Mar 18, 2010   #4
Being in a culturally diverse society helps everyone, and benefits them as well. I being part of one, has helped me understand and immerse myself in other cultures that I thought at one point where dull and boring. No culture Is boring or dull they all are colorful and show so much about an entire society.

This paragraph needs more sentences. It needs a few examples, too. Right now it is incomplete. Write about diversity in terms of globalization, communication technology, and ethics.

Here is a run on sentence, but I can fix it with a semi-colon:
The new student knew only Spanish, so I took it upon myself to tutor him every morning; h e soon knew almost fluent English and passed all of his first semester classes.

Google this to make sure you understand:
correct use of semi-colon

Apart from doing that community service I also helped everyone communicate with him, and see the true person behind his challenge in the language.

Don't forget, you can sign up for something right now and write about community service you are currently involved with!

Looks like you still need a paragraph about your philosophy (#5)


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