Hello! I'm Caecilia, from Indonesia, and i'm planning to apply for a scholarship and because English is not my first language, so I really need help for this letter. I haven't got a title for my essay, so i'll be thankful if you can suggest me a title. Please assist me to make my essay better.
Thankyou very much! :)
o Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
o Your education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
o Your motivations for applying for this program
o Reason for study in Korea
LETTER OF SELF-INTRODUCTION
I was born and raised in a city called Semarang, in Java, Indonesia. Being raised in a middle-class family, I can call myself a lucky person to have parents who worked very hard to support my education and my dream. Since I was 4, I entered a music school, which I learned pop vocal and organ, but I decided to pursue further with my vocal rather than organ. Then I started playing the violin at the age of 7 and led me to participate in various orchestras despite my very young age.
Music has been a very important part of my life. Many people disagree with my choice pursuing a degree in music, especially the people in my country. As I sing in many competitions and events back then, the more I feel that theoretical aspects have the same importance as that practical aspects. Seeing my country grown to be a place where people are indifferent about arts and as I get older, I feel that I need to find a better place to continue to get better education in music. After graduated from high school, I got a one-year scholarship to Guangzhou, China, and after that I was admitted to Xiamen University, China where now I currently pursue my bachelor degree in music, where for the first time I learned Classical vocal and I fell in love with this.
My journey pursuing a bachelor in music is not as easy as the people in my country thinks. Still, many people would ask and say "so you studied vocal for bachelor? So, what did you do? Sing every day?" and many similar questions to that. Hearing this, I would explain to them the things that I learned, but then another question will come "so how can you work after graduating with this major then?". This sparks another fire in me, and from time to time, I am now sure that I need to educate the people in my country, not only about music education, but also how music affects our lives in many aspects. As for me, compared to my classmates, I feel that I started very late, and I was left behind, this led me not to stop studying only until this degree, but I really need to go further, for the sake of myself and my country's education.
When people think that what we learned in class is the most important thing in college, I would disagree. I think that there are many aspects that shaped us while learning and that is our individual soft skills. While pursuing my studies in China for almost 5 years now, I joined many non-profit organizations such as Xiamen University Students Union, China-Indonesian Student Organization, Indonesian Catholic Youth etc. Not only organizations, but also other activities such as Marathons, volunteer for Confucius Institute, various performances in many cities, etc. Sometimes, Indonesian government workers also contacted me to be their translator and tour guide in China. By doing these sorts of side jobs, I came to realize that communication is a significant basic not only for individuals but also among the countries and this drive me not to stop learning only in China, but to continue to other countries, especially Korea.
Since young, I always loved other Asian cultures, especially Korean culture. Many Korean friends were surprised that I know much about their art and culture, especially in music. Not only K-pop, but I also love other Korean music, like Korean traditional music, Pansori. I love Korean culture very much to the extent that I taught myself Korean, and now I can listen, read, and write, but I can't speak. I couldn't say myself is talented in languages, but many of my friends say so. Knowing that Korea has a large industry in music, I'm so excited at the thought of learning the language and culture as well as continuing my study in vocal. As in Indonesia, many people are starting to love K-pop and K-dramas, so I thought this might not be enough. I love to see many people also love other aspects of Korean culture and I would like to educate myself to those to my home country. Despite the economical difficulties my family had, I really wish to pursue further with my education, and I feel that KGSP is the one and only path that I can rely on. Korean education model has been one of the best in Asia so far, and studying in Korea is one of my life's important goal and KGSP is a dream come true.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 This is not an efficient letter of self introduction because it misses out on so many important aspects required by the prompt but ignored in your essay. You seem to have totally disregarded the importance of the prompt requirements and only selectively discussed the parts of the prompt list that you felt you can respond to strongly. Don't do that. The reviewer is not interested in your sob story about the obstacles you face as a college student majoring in voice. He is interested in learning about the information listed in the prompt.
Your family background discussion is weak. The reviewer needs to learn about how your family, as a unit, has helped you become a good person. What life lessons did you learn from your parents? How did the life of your parents affect your point of view about life? Have your family members served to inspire your future goals and ambitions? In what way? You cannot discuss only part of the prompt and then move on immediately to saying they always supported your dream of becoming a... what? Opera singer? Pop singer? Define what a Classical vocal singer is and mention if this your major. What exactly are you studying as a voice major? Yes, you need to explain that in order for your essay to make sense.
The above questions relate to your academic and work experience qualifications. Since you say you are still in college, and by the way, you need to be sure that you will be graduate by September otherwise you won't qualify for the program, I sense a problem with your application with regards to the work experience requirement. That has to be at least 2 years worth. Without it, your application becomes weak. The activities that you mentioned are not even related to your college major so those may not be able to help your application at all. All of the information that you present needs to be in relation to your current college major because you are trying to prove that you have a future in this field as you have already laid out the foundation for it in college and through your work experience.
I don't really see how your education comes into play here. There is no reference to anything remarkable about your academic life. Neither do you say anything that proves your academic studies have prepared you for a masters course. Speaking of a masters course, what course are you applying to? You need to state as part of your motivation to study in Korea. You also need to have a university picked along with a specific masters course because you need to mention these information in this essay in relation to why you opted to continue your voice (?) studies in Korea.
The weakest part of your essay is the reason that you wish to study in Korea. You sound like just about any other tourist in Korea. Focus on the musical reasons you want to study in Korea. Relate your desire to study there with a shortcoming in your home country with regards to your vocal education.
Frankly speaking, your essay is not going to hold the attention of the reviewer due to its missing and weak details. If you have the time, review the previous KGSP scholarship essays posted here as samples. Learn from their mistakes and use the information they were previously given to help improve your own letter of self introduction. I pointed out the major problem areas of your essay that you have to address. How to strengthen it, all depends upon how you will develop your presentation in a manner relevant to the prompt requirements.
