Dear Reader,
Please kindly tell me what you think about this essay and how it can be improved. Its 214 words I am working on it to be 200 words.Any advice given will be appreciated.
Prompt:Tell us about a concept or subject that intellectually excites you. Why does it interest you?
"How do we know that the creations of worlds are not determined by falling grains of sand?" -Victor Hugo
Whenever I think about it, I always conclude that Per Bak's book: How Nature Works was definitely manna for my inquisitive mind.
As a mere 10th grader who was still finding my feet while graphing Cartesian planes and juggling complex trigonometric ratios, it was not unusual to find the concept of self organised criticality (SOC) discussed in this tome way out of my league. However, in 10 minutes of our fortunate encounter, I was enraptured by the basic concepts and needless to say, I fell in love.
Before long, I had found the similarity between the Devil's staircase-a creation of Bak and no relation of the mountain range in Scotland just in case you thought so- and the evolutionary biology theory of punctuated equilibrium. But what really excited me after weeks of researching fractal graphs, avalanches, negative power laws and SOC's application in financial markets, earthquakes and mass extinctions was the basic concept-how small perturbations could cause unforeseen prodigious changes in relatively gigantic systems.
To be honest, I used to ponder this all my life. Could little me really make a difference in this vast universe? Till today, I never believed math could have the answer!
Hi again. I like the essay so far but I do think you focused more on the part of the prompt that asks about a subject that intellectually excites you rather that why it excites you. You go into so much detail about the concept but not into much detail about why it excites you. Also, in regards to cutting down on the words, I'd say that maybe you should simplify some points in your essay to get rid of those 14 extra words. Oh, and one more thing is the word "tome" in the 4th line of your essay meant to be the word tone? Just wondering.
P.S I'm rooting for both of us to get into QuestBridge too.
Actually, its tome- which simply means a heavy book on a very serious subject.
Thanks very much for your review!
I do think you focused more on the part of the prompt that asks about a subject that intellectually excites you rather that why it excites you. You go into so much detail about the concept
Is it the part with the Devil's staircase and stuff... I thought I had to talk to an extent about it to actually let the admissions offer know that I understand the subject matter very well
Thank so much for the review though...I can now improve myself...
As a mere 10th grader who was still finding his/her feet
Show, don't tell. Show how, why you fell in love in math.
I honestly don't think the first two sentences are necessary, and it would give you more space to expand why you love math.
I liked your essay nevertheless, and can be easily improved!
Good luck!
Thanks very much...I have given a lot of people my essay to review.. and you are the first person to actually point that grammatical error to me
As a mere 10th grader who was still finding his/her feet
I'll change that and I am gonna work on ur advice- to show and not tell.
Yes it is a bit of The Devil's Staircase stuff but if you feel it is necessary to keep it in then do. I don't think you should completely cut it out just condense it a little so that way you leave a bit of room to show why it is you are passionate about this subject. Also I agree with hiscere, try to show your passion for the subject not tell.
