*please help give advice to improve my essay. Thank you:)
Prompt: Discuss the subjects in which you excel or have excelled. To what factors do you attribute your success?
Beginning freshmen year, I was encouraged by friends to join the Navy Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps (NJROTC) program in our school. I didn't really know what it's about and what to do in there. I decided to join it just to see if I'll like it in there. On the first day of freshmen year, I was nervous and scare because I didn't know what to expect being in this program. I walked into the class room and there weren't a lot of people, but I was fine with it. I sat next to my friend so I can feel safe. Within minutes after the bell rang, Chief McLaughlin, our science instructor, walked in and greeted all of us. We introduce ourselves to the class and Chief McLaughlin. After the bell rang, I was pretty happy and excited for this class because I had a great time in there. I couldn't wait to come the next day and find out what we're going to do next. The next day came along and as we walked in the class, Chief McLaughlin told us that today was the day we are going to go outside and learn how to drill from the upper classmen. I was more scared then I was yesterday because I had no clue what drilling meant and what am I suppose to do. Now standing on the tennis court, I had to wait to see what we're going to do next. As I stand there anxiously waiting what to do next, my friend Jennifer came up to me and taught me how to do in place drill movement. It was fun learning how to drill because I didn't understand it. After two days passed by, I began to understand how to do in place drill movement. I began liking it a lot and enjoying it. I continued staying in this program for the next few years. As I am slowly, but eagerly starting my senior year of high school, I will be in Navy Junior Reserve Officer training Corps (NJROTC) for 4 years now. Within those 4 years, I have gained a lot of knowledge and experience. I yet not only gain knowledge and experience, but I became a leader myself. Starting freshmen year of high school, I was a follower that followed orders from upper classmen's. As I continue on into sophomore year, I became not just a follower, but a leader as the squad leader of a platoon that guides other cadets and allow them to follow me. As my junior year came, I became a leader of a platoon commander and give orders to younger or same cadets as me to follow. By the end of senior year, I hope to accomplish the role of becoming a stronger leader and lead those under me to become great leaders. Being a Navy Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps (NJROTC) cadet, I learned how to become both a great leader and a great follower. Becoming a leader and a follower involves a lot of communication, teamwork, and cooperation. Sometimes, I was a leader and people looked up to me, but other times, I was a follower and I looked up to other people. Some of the experience that I receive in NJROTC was community service, where we serve food to people and that involved both leaders and followers to communicate. Another experience that I received is being in the color guard for a year and in this team, we present the United States of America flag and the California flag for competition against other schools. Also, i have been in the girls unarmed drill team for three years now, and in this team, we were able to get together and create an exhibition drill. In this team, we create beats with our hands and feet for competition against other schools for trophies. This will be my first and last year in the rifle team. In this rifle team, we are able to test our shooting skills. Being in this team is fun and harmless. Not only is being in this team all about fun, but it is also competitive against each other and other schools. Also, this is my first and last time being in the academic team. In this team meant that our knowledge was tested a lot and so we had to be prepared for that. Not only is being in this team just about the knowledge, but it is also about how determine we are as a team to overcome anything and it is also about being competitive against other schools. Being in this program is like having another family to watch and take care of me. I had most of my experiences outside of Sacramento because of this program. This program really changed me and inspired me to do things that I never thought I can do in high school. I am coming out of this program really proud of myself and the wonderful journeys that I had in this program.
don't use contractions
I didn't really know what it's (should be was) about and what to do in there.
Navy Junior Reserve Officer t raining Corps (NJROTC)
You only need to put "(NJROTC)" to show you abbreviation once in the essay
I decided to join it just to see if I'll (should be I would) like it in there.
I was nervous and scared because I didn't know what to expect being in (should be of) this program.
friend so I can could feel safe.
Within minutes after the bell rang of the bell ringing
We introduce ourselves to the class and Chief McLaughlin. doesnt make sense
After the bell rang, I was pretty happy and excited for this class because I had a great time in there. When the bell rang to get out, I was happy and excited because I had had a great time in class.
dude, you have a lot of grammatical and sentence structure errors. the ones i fixed are repeated through the essay. so, just go through and find the ones like i corrected and re-post your essay
please read mine!!!! :)
