Networking is the Key to collaborate and create bigger impact - Chevening Essay

Dear All,

Pelase Help me to review and give feedback to my essay

Chevening is looking for individuals with strong professional relationship building skills

please explain how you build and maintan relationship in a professional capacity

I learn about building relationship with human through Communication Psychology. As a Professional Public Relation, I met variety of People, but most of them are the Media. To broaden my networking I came to several Seminars and Program such as Jakarta Youth Innovative Project that allows me to meet Special Staff in the Ministry of National Development Planning, Mr Danang Ginanjar who also the chairman of MATA GARUDA (LPDP Scholarship Awardees community). I look up to have conversation with him after the session was finished, we have lunch together in round table, and I ask several things about what he does in his workplace. I was trying to make connection by showing interest. I try to make great impression when it comes to meet people, so that person would remember me. In the end we find the similarity in terms of issues that close to our heart, which is Education. I've come to realize that as NGO, Indonesia Mengajar which is currently my workplace needs collaboration. I initiate a small collaboration with his community, and he gave me his name card to continue to talk furthered. I take this very serious, I engage him through several chat in whatsapp.

I work in Creative Communication Division who has responsibility to create campaign and socialization for our main program to our target market. The aim of the project was to make people who have sophisticated background interest to apply to Youth Teacher Program batch XV. My teammate facing the problem because of lack of people who applied to our main program, I think this problem would take serious impact since teachers in rural area is urgently needed at this time in Indonesia. I offer the solution which I told my teammate to create online talk show for Youth Teachers socialization to LPDP Scholarship Alumni (Mata Garuda). In order make it happen, I contacted Mr Danang Ginanjar, who I known in previous program. He told me that he willing to help me in order to socialize Indonesia Mengajar to His community. He helped me and my teammate to next step by having meeting to create online seminars between Indonesia Menganar team and Mata Garuda. In the end of the meeting, he passed me to Mr Acang to finalize the process. The result was there were 178 people who has master degree and scholarship awardee background join the Whatsapp Seminars which encourage them to apply Indonesia Mengajar Program to become young teacher.

I am Glad that Mr Danang offers me a Job in PINA Center for Private Investment under the Ministry of National Development Planning. Currently, I met foreign investors from China and USA who tried to invest in National Project Priority. To go further network, I travel often; I get involved in persons, group and organization that have variety of interest. I believe Chevening Community will gave me wider network from all over the world which I will use to create collaboration in order to reach good purpose for many people that need the most such as social project.

I believe the first sentence should be in the present perfect tense. "I am learning about building relationship(s) with humans through Communication Psychology."
Then for the next sentence: "As a professional Public Relation(s) (Officer), I met (a) variety of people, but most of them are (in) the Media industry." Where (professional and people are not capitalized.

I think the story you are trying to tell is interesting, however there are many grammatical errors. Find some coherence in the tense you are using and stick to it, at least throughout a paragraph. And finally you are missing out on the use of connecting words and helping verbs (like are and is).

Ratu, this essay is a grammatical nightmare but has the potential to become an interesting networking essay. However, it seems that your network is focused on the existence of a central character who is the root of your whole network. While I am not saying this is a bad thing, I am worried about the fixation on this person with regards to the referee requirements of Chevening. Will this person be able to recommend you to Chevening based on a professional relationship with you? If not, then this essay will not be extremely effective as a networking essay. Will any of the people whom you mention by name be acting as your reference at all? If not then you will need to revise the essay to omit the names of these people and build a far more interesting representation of your networking skills. You don't need to detail the meeting you had with one person. The idea is to show how you build your network with various people, not just one.

Think about whether these people will be referring you to the scholarship committee. If not, then you have a problem. You have written an essay that you cannot use. This essay should be illustrative in presentation rather than specific. Try to alter the content to be general in terms of networking considerations. Read the samples here to get a clearer idea of how to do that.