Dear All,
Please review my essay below :)
Chevening networking essay
Chevening is looking for individuals with strong professional relationship-building skills, who will engage with the Chevening community and influence and lead others in their chosen profession. Please explain how you build and maintain relationships in a professional capacity, using clear examples of how you currently do this, and outline how you hope to use these skills in the future. (minimum word count: 100 words; maximum word count: 500 words)
As Market Risk Management staff in one of the biggest banks in the world, I have responsibilities to monitor treasury activities in Jakarta branch and make reports to regional branch in Singapore. Thus, I have to get used to build a professional relationship, both within Jakarta branch and other branches since sometimes we have discussion related to market risk.
At that time, there was a new senior staff for Market Risk Management in Singapore Branch. He was in charge of market risk tool that related to my daily job. Thus, sometimes we discussed if there were any irregularities about our daily job. One day, he has a project to did market risk tool migration from Singapore Branch to Jakarta Branch. Then, he delegated me and my unit head as Jakarta representative, while from Singapore Branch was him and his unit head. In order to made the migration process succeed, they came to Jakarta Branch to demonstrate how to operate the market risk tool. After the session done, we proposed to them to do simulation process before migration process. During trial, I examined the system while running it daily to monitor if there were any inappropriate events in the system like improper data, failure in calculation process, etc. Every irregular occasions, I reported to him immediately so that he could find the best solution regarding those matters and I could fix them quickly by following his instructions. Finally, after 3 months simulation process, the market risk tool migration to Jakarta Branch done officially without unnecessary troubles. Through this project, I was not only accomplish one of my targets, but also establish a mutual relationship that represent Jakarta Branch to Singapore Branch.
Within Jakarta Branch, I have strong professional relationship, especially with Money Market Unit since almost all my jobs related to them. One of the reports that linked to them was JIBOR (Jakarta Interbank Offered Rate). Around 3 years ago, BI invited us to came to socialization for 7 Days Reverse Repo Rate (7DRRR) as new benchmark for JIBOR's setting. I represented the Market Risk Management Unit with 2 others Money Market Unit's members. After socialization done, we have a little discussion what possible impacts that may occurs. Then, we agreed that I would see if there are any concerns related to market risk, while Money Market Unit would try to see market behavior and rate calculation. After examined this new regulation, I was not found any concerns to market risk except revise the manual procedure. Meanwhile, Money Market Unit already did adjustment successfully. All in all, we did the change a benchmark for JIBOR to 7DRRR smoothly.
I would love to broaden my network overseas in the future through Chevening community, especially related to my job as market risk management by having discussion, exchange information, and update the latest events. Then, I wish I could do some research with them related to financial risk for the development countries since most all of them are not aware about risk culture.@izecsony5
Hi there! Welcome to the forum! We're always glad to have people around. Wish you the best of luck in your Chevening application! Hopefully, this essay will give you a better insight on how to improve your writing.
Firstly, you can still improve that introduction by being more professional with the opening line. While it was great that you started off with an explanation of your professional experience, you could have opted to give a sequenced overview on yourself as an individual. If we take a look at the first paragraph, it is noticeable how you did not start off with fundamental details about yourself. While this may not necessarily be a professional background, it surely still is a critical part of the writing because it is included in the overall assessment of you as a candidate.
Furthermore, the concluding paragraph also needs to be firmly structured a bit more. Taking a look at what you have now, it is obvious that it still lacks that appeal because you weren't able to properly expound on the details. The last sentence also appears to be hanging in thin air, rather than wrapping up the writing. Learning how to distinguish these types of writing patterns can go a long way for you.
You successfully achieved The task, however your sentence structure need to be tighter. You need to show your excellent command of English by condensing the second paragraph. It too wordy, and a lot of the information contained can be wrapped up into a stronger paragraph.
I would advise that you find another example aside from your bank job. Preferably something that shows your skills influencing people. Your ending paragraph can be better, you can end it by showing your overall ability to lead people towards favourable outcomes with a quick summary of experiences so far. I'm sure you'll do great.
