NYC Student Looking for Union Help to Be a UX/UI Designer

Hi all! I'm about to be a sophomore at Drew University majoring in Business, but with career goals to be a UX/UI Designer. I'm applying for a scholarship by my mother's union. The prompt is quite broad: Explain how this scholarship will assist in your pursuit of higher education. (Minimum 500 words). I've taken it in the direction of how it'll help me in every sector of my schooling.

I'm looking for critique on my overall structure, grammer and if it is too cliché:

I'm focusing on pursuing this scholarship

Friedrich Nietzche, German philosopher and poet, said that "Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal,". Yes, I was told to never start an essay off with a quote, like in the eighth grade and yes, I'll admit that I found this on BrainyQuotes. However, Nietzche hit it right on the nail with saying that often people get too caught up in the way they're doing something instead of what they're doing.

For as long as I can remember, I too often focused on the road to where I was going and not often doing the best I possibly could to get there. In my mind, it was more important to finish it than to do it to the best of my ability. As you can possibly tell, that has since changed. In my first year of college at Hunter College in NYC, I stepped into class expecting it to be as easy as my high school classes AKA I was in for a massive reality check.

Though I did well in my classes, I become overwhelmed with all the steps, all the projects and all of the assignments being thrown at me. In an attempt to figure out everything, I sacrificed learning for finalized products. This not only made me feel guilty, but also miss the point of college altogether.

By the end of my first semester, not only was I miserable, but I was withdrawn from all of my classes. I didn't want to deal with the syllabi or the lectures, I couldn't comprehend how I was supposed to handle it all. To regress, this feeling of overwhelm, and lack of control, did not appear out of nowhere; a steady part-time job was the culprit.

This scholarship would allow me to have more time to focus on my studies. Everyday I often spend four to five hours on school work, resulting in over 30 hours of work done at a minimum per week. This leaves very little time for a job, which is essential to my financial stability right now.

I am currently working towards a Bachelor's Degree in Business and Italian. My career goals are to become a UX/UI Designer and have the opportunity to work with businesses across the globe. However, I have already taken out two loans, totalling over $30,000 and I'm only halfway through my college career. When I graduate, I'm going to struggle to make monthly payments and growing interest. This $2,500 would allow for me to focus more time on my studies and less on figuring out how I am going to make my payments.

The federal and state financial assistance problems have decided that I do not qualify for help. This means that all help I get must come from scholarships and/or grants. I have worked hard to get as many scholarships as I possibly can; however, it still does not suffice the help I need.

The largest part of this all is that this scholarship would fill the gap for me. I am extremely close to being able to pay my full tuition with loans, scholarships and grants, but I am still not there yet. I am terrified that I will not be able to start classes on time, because I am only a bit off.

I strongly believe that giving an opportunity creates a domino effect of giving. As a current college student, I cannot only understand the struggles of financially affording school, but also being involved and doing well in classes. If I were to be awarded this scholarship, I would have the time I need to create a scholarship system at my school for students who do not have access to federal and/or state financial assistance in the tri-state area. Giving back would be my way of showing my appreciation for being awarded a tremendous scholarship.

Britt, have you given any thought to appealing to the union for the scholarship based a little bit upon the work your mother has been doing as well? This is essay speaks very highly of your self drive to stay in college no matter the cost. That is admirable but, since this grant is coming from the work your mother is doing, then you should at least mention something about her and how much she has tried to help you financially but even then, the finances fall short. Which is why she thought of asking you to approach her union for help. Appeal to the sense that the union has been helpful to your family thus far and at this point, you are hoping that they will extend the help a little bit more to cover your college education as well.

Like I said, this is a pretty impressive essay but it focuses too much on your self pride and sense of independence. It has to show that your mother has somehow influenced your desire to seek a grant from the Union because your family and your self determination can only take you so far. Prove that by helping you, the union will also be helping your mother and your family as well.

Try to revise the essay to be balanced between how the union can help you, which is sorely lacking at this point. Too much prologue was given in the first 4 paragraphs instead of going directly to the point. Base the essay on facts of your case and less on creative writing techniques. The reviewer doesn't have the time to read all of that backstory when it doesn't relate directly to how the scholarship can help you. If you worked part time and it distracted you, then open the essay exactly with that. Don't waste time. In fact, with a minimum word count of 500, I suggest that you do not write more than that. If you really just get down to the bare necessities of this essay, 500 words will be more than sufficient to achieve the task.