Objective Study for Scholarship Admission - in reference to questions about myself

Draft of scholarship application

Hi everyone.
Currently I am trying to make my objective study of my scholarship application.
This essay should address these questions:
1. Give your reason why you want to study in US
2. Describe the kind of program that you expect to undertake
3. Explain how your proposed field of study fits with your:
a. educational background
b. professional background
c. future objectives
d. future involvement in community development

and here's my draft.

I want to continue my study in US because I believe this is the best place offering the possibility to expand my knowledge for my future goals. In my view, US is the heart of the latest development of technology especially computer, this is obviously can be seen in several facts such as Silicon Valley, Microsoft™, and apple™, all of them are situated in US. Moreover, US also has the best campuses of Information Technology (IT), Harvard University, Massachusetts Institute of Technology, California Institute of Technology, and Stanford University are the examples of which already born the most influenced people in IT field nowadays such as Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, and Steve Jobs. In Indonesia, in fact, we also have several prominent people which are graduated from greatest US universities; they are Nadiem Makarim (Founder of Go-Jek) and Ridwan Kamil (Mayor of Bandung), both of them have had remarkable achievements and have created extraordinary impacts for Indonesia's development. Along with condition, the education quality in US is also tremendous for students who want to pursue their dreams and I feel certain studying in US offers the chance to meet with great people which can lead to broaden my knowledge about life perspective.

I want to continue my study about Information System and specialize on the implementation of Information System to support Health sector which also known as Health Informatics. I choose this subject because in my previous study I was taking Information System so I am already familiar with this subject and currently I hope can expand my knowledge about this field.

During my study in the university, I have several experiences that improved both of my soft skills and hard skills; one of them was when I became to be a leader of the team in software engineering course in the fifth semester. As the team leader, I had to understand the whole business process of the client's and coordinated the team so it can be synchronized each other and well communicated. The main challenge was to make sure there were no misunderstanding between Analyst and Designer, Designer and Programmer, and tested the program to guarantee the client's requirements were fulfilled. After graduated from the university, I started to work in a company as IT staff in the early of 2015 until the August 2016. In my position as the person who had responsibilities about IT, I was given job description to coordinate the software division which is aptly fit with my educational background.

I have two main goals in my life, first is my personal career and the second is my social devotion for my country especially for my hometown. On career side, it is my dream to be a Lecturer, but not only average lecturer, I want to the remarkable one. I really want to dedicate myself for education because I feel certain that the main foundation of great country is started with their education. Based on this reason, I want to work in my university and focus teaching about Information System of Health. On the other side, I really want to contribute for the local society with my capabilities. In my village, there are not many children who go to the college because their parents think that education is not really important. Surprisingly it is not because they cannot afford their children to go to the college but it is because they are trapped in their orthodox mindset since many of those parents are wealthy farmer. In fact, if I were accepted in this scholarship and got a chance to pursue my study in the US, I would be the first person who has obtained Master degree from international institution. This condition leads me to think about the possibility to build a school for children in the future because we live in rural area and fortunately I have met with a friend who shares the same spirit as mine. We really hope this school can be a place that can build a children's character and in a bigger scale we wish that this school can be a part of our national's development.

Please feel free to give comments/suggestions.
Any point of view are welcomed.
Thanks.

Bagu, the reasons that you are giving as the justification for your interest in studying in the U.S. is shallow, common, and not really impressive. You just gave a run down of the most commonly known reasons for wanting to study in the U.S. None of which actually relate to you in a form that justifies your desire to study in America. Consider the reasons other than the obvious for your response. Pick a university, name the university, then explain why you chose that university which, surprise, surprise, happens to be located in the U.S. That is the way you form a proper justification. Play up the positives of the university in terms of academic and social appeal. The reason you want to study in the U.S. is because the university that you have chosen is located there. It does not need to be a series of universities or a list of companies. It has to be something that inspires or motivates you to seek higher studies. For the plans in your community, leave your friend out of the discussion. This is all about you and how you can help your community. So use any of the following first person pronouns: I me, myself to describe your dreams and ideas for the school. Keep the focus of the discussion your message and ideas. Don't include non-essential information and persons.

Bagu, my advice is to keep an eye on grammar too, you have some errors.
Also use more synonyms and try not to use one word many times.

@Holt
noted!

@mariana13
yes, it's just my draft so i didn't really notice about gramma and lexical.
but thank you.

Despite content-related feedback that was given by Holt, I would prefer to look at your paragraphing structure and words usage. I think that it is actually a common 'Indonesian' problem when we draft something, we rarely take a closer look in the details because we are going to revise it anyway. You need to know that drafting is different from outlining. If you are somehow neglecting grammatical accuracy and lexical resources in your draft, it would be difficult for you to notice your mistakes for a second time, except there is someone pointing that out for you. Thus, my suggestion for you is that try to be careful in drafting, so you don't need to double check everything when you want to submit your essay for a correction purpose in this forum.

Let me help you pointing out your weaknesses in this essay. I hope that you can follow through and consider this as a helpful feedback. If you take a closer look on the first, second, and last paragraph, it is 'perhaps' you accidentally/unconsciously started your paragraph by using the word 'I'. There are many possibilities instead of only using that word. You can start your sentence by using passive voice by mentioning the object / making the object as the subject, for instance you can write 'Continuing my study in the U.S. is really beneficial' instead of 'I want to continue my study'. Therefore, varying your paragraph / sentence structure would also be helpful for the essay itself.

PS: is it Fulbright Master scholarship?

@ichanpants89
I just know about that.
Thanks for reminding me.
Yes it is for Fulbright, since I just know about this scholarship information so I try to catch the deadline.
Is there anything else?