Unanswered [1] / Urgent [0] / SERVICES
  

Scholarship   Posts: 13

Objective Study Essay for AMINEF Fulbrigt Scholarship, Master in Industrial Design


firmanikhsan 1 / 5  
Feb 7, 2017   #1
Dear Essay Experts

This is my Objective Study Essay for scholarship application.

The tasks are:
1. A clear and detailed description of your study objectives.
2. Give your reason for wanting to pursue them in the U.S.
3. Describe the kind of program you expect to undertake
4. Explain how your proposed field of study fits in with your educational background, your professional background, your future objectives, and your future involvement in community development.


I need your excellent review
Thanks in advance :)

Study Objective - my path



Our everyday life, started from waking up until ready to go to the bed again, always exposed to products resulted from industrial design practices. Ranging from a tooth brush to a jet plane, those are essential to solve our problems and make our life easier. That's why I am interested for a Master's program in Engineering, focusing on Industrial Design field. I am fascinated in learning and conducting research in product design, human centered design, and manufacturing process. Studying this area will enable me to gain proficiency for combining science, arts and technology to create immense products that can improve people's life experience.

This program is strongly related to my previous education. I graduated with honor from University of Indonesia, majoring in Mechanical Engineering. During my Bachelor's study, I learned about mechanical design principles and material engineering that provided me the knowledge required for design practices. Moreover, outside the campus, I have completed some projects on product design. My work and organization are causing me to actively involved in research on mechanical product design and development. Currently, I worked at Robotics Laboratory in Surya University as Mechanical Designer. My task mainly focused on developing a concept for a products or a system, based on client's requirement. My clients are stretched from start-up business to national military institution. Recently, a wearable robot that I designed is published by national television as the first ever made in Indonesia. So it is clear that my background is well aligned with my future study.

In the Master's Program, I plan to conduct research about Design Problems and Processes. Within this domain, I want to concentrate in design parameters and manufacturing technology, as well as humanity side such as emotional and aesthetic factor of product design. During my professional work, I received myriad of project design offers from prospective clients, especially from governmental institution to realize their idea into a working products or system. However, I have to turned it down because with my limited knowledge in product design, I can only implementing my comprehension from mechanical and engineering side. This study will equipped me with critical and creative thinking to compare and test methods, and to seek discoveries through the analysis and synthesis of cross-disciplinary approaches and the application of design thinking.

After graduate, my goal is to be a professional in industrial design, developing an Industrial Design Center institution in Indonesia, that growing the innovative and conceptual design practices. In my country, local products are being outmarketed by the imported ones because the concept did not well designed. Lack of innovation is a major problem that causing the monotonous style and plagiarism. Inadequacy of production awareness is another factor that made them more expensive compared to imported products. I would like to be build a collaboration between governments, local designers dan industrial manufacturers. With a vigorous connection between them, they can share design ideas and challenges, and realize it into marketable products. The design will be more feasible to produced, even with local materials available. I also intend to actively participated in product design event like Black Innovation Award and other design conferences to expand my networking.

Studying Industrial Design in United States is necessary to accomplish my future goals. America is a top ranked country in the field of design. I will be able to explore advanced theories and technologies supported by sophisticated laboratories and studios in University. With your vast resources of top quality designer from various backgrounds and cultures, it will enrich my study experience and outcome. Furthermore, I can heavily participate in international event like Red Dot Award and TED conferences to prepared me to become a professional in Industrial Design.

Riyan Mudastsir 2 / 1  
Feb 7, 2017   #2
Dear Firman,

As a I read your essay, i think you should put appropiate a and the in the sentences. As i know, in the opinion essay you should put a rather than the. The is needed to say something if both you and the reader know which/what do you exactly mean. Please see the paragraph 2, refer to the knolwdge. Forgivinng me if i mad a mistake, thank you. Good Luck
Holt [Contributor] - / 7,618 1957  
Feb 7, 2017   #3
Firman, reading your essay really causes severe stress on the reader due to the tense usage problems that exist within it. You use the past and present tenses in an interchanged manner. That means that you use past tense when you should be using present tense and you use present tense when you must use past tense. This clue should be sufficient enough for you to easily spot where the grammar corrections are required within your essay. Your opening statement can only be describe in one word, boring. It does not excite the reviewer to read it because it does not help to establish your study objectives from the very start of the essay. It is a wandering opening statement that does not belong in the essay. The first two paragraphs of your essay needs to be reworked badly because you were unable to entice the reader to keep reading your essay. Try to present your study objectives at the very start, as required by the essay. Don't bother with long winded opening statements. The reviewer does not have the time to read that nor the inclination to have to search for where the actual information as required by the prompt exists in your essay. The latter part seems to better respond to the prompt requirements but, as I said, got bogged down by the grammatical errors. Hopefully, you can correct the tense problems first so that most of the essay problems will be fixed.
OP firmanikhsan 1 / 5  
Feb 7, 2017   #4
Thank you @Riyan Mudastsir and @Holt for your feedback. I have revised the essay and I hope this new one does not contain any mistake you have mentioned above.

For other reviewers, please feel free to give your advice and suggestion

Thank you :)

Study Objective

I want to enroll a Master's program in Engineering, focusing on Industrial Design. I am very enthusiastic about learning and conducting research on product design, human centered design, and manufacturing process. My goal is to be a designer which can transform an idea to solve a problem occurred in our life, into a real product. Studying this field will empower me to gain proficiency for combining science, arts and technology to create immense products that can improve people's life experience.

(...)
Holt [Contributor] - / 7,618 1957  
Feb 7, 2017   #5
While this is an improvement over the first essay, you have failed both times to represent one of the most critical, required information from the prompt requirements. This is the part of prompt number 4 that indicates "... and your future involvement in community development." While you represent the business end of the discussion in your response, you have not made any mention of how your achievements in masters degree school can help to improve life in your community. I believe that the best way for you to respond to this question would be to actually develop a design that will allow you to improve one of the problem areas of your community or community development. You can basically respond to that question by presenting your possible thesis statement and then explain its real world application as it can be performed within your community. Once you represent a response to that particular prompt expectation, you can move on to reviewing the content of your essay for possible finalization.
OP firmanikhsan 1 / 5  
Feb 10, 2017   #6
Thank you @Holt for your input regarding the essay requirement. I have edited and presented it in the essay below

Study Objective

I want to enroll a Master's program in Design field, focusing on Industrial Design. I am very enthusiastic about learning and conducting research on product design, human centered design, and manufacturing process. My goal is to be a designer which can transform an idea dedicated to solve a problem occurred in our life, into a real product. Studying this field will empower me to gain proficiency for combining science, arts and technology to create immense products that can improve people's life experience.

(...)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For other reviewers, please feel free to give your advice and suggestion

Thank you :)
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 793 309  
Feb 10, 2017   #7
Let me come up with the feedback for the details of the first and the second paragraph because I can see that you have gathered a very comprehensive feedback related to the general content from one of EF contributors. In the first paragraph, you are NOT suggested to begin the paragraph by directly mentioning 'I want to...'. There are many possible ways to start your paragraph appropriately rather than what you've done. It is better to mention 'Enrolling in a postgraduate program, particularly in Industrial design, encourages me to be a designer who can transform......'. Some variations in starting the paragraph would be beneficial towards the quality of the essay itself.

In the second paragraph, this statement 'This program is strongly related to my previous education' looks like a little bit jumpy. Remember that the prompt about 'Explain how your proposed field of study fits in with your educational background' is supposed to be in the fourth position. The first and the second paragraph should be related about the first and the second prompt first and then you can come up with the rest. My suggestion is that you can alter the arrangement of your essay based on the given prompt to impress the reviewer. Try to be as organized as possible. Remember also that 'clarity' is the main objective of every type of essay.

Hope this helps :)
OP firmanikhsan 1 / 5  
Feb 10, 2017   #8
Thank you @ichanpants89 for the incredible feedback. I have revised the opening and essay arrangement.

Study Objective

Although industrial development masterplan already established in 2005, local goods still not suficient enough to fulfill national demand, said Indonesia's Minister of Trade, Gita Wirjawan. Enrolling in a postgraduate program, particularly in Industrial Design, encourages me to be a designer who have expertise to conceive products that answer the consumer's needs. I am highly enthusiastic about learning on product design, human centered design, and manufacturing process. Exploring this field will empower me to gain proficiency for combining science, arts and technology to create immense products that can improve people's life experience.

Studying Industrial Design in United States is mandatory to accomplish my future goals. According to Start College, U.S.A is a top ranked country in the field of design. I will be able to grasp advanced theories and technologies supported by sophisticated laboratories and studios in University. With your vast resources of top quality designer from various backgrounds and cultures, it will enrich my study experience and outcome. I can also contribute to this area by sharing my ideas and experience in design practices. Furthermore, I will heavily engage in international event like Red Dot Award and IDSA Conference to prepare me to become a professional in industrial design.

During my Master's degree, I plan to conduct research about Design Problems and Processes. Within this domain, I want to concentrate in design parameters and manufacturing technology, as well as humanity factor such as emotional and aesthetic side of product design. During my professional work, I received myriad of project design offers from prospective clients, especially from governmental institution that wanted to realize their notion into a physical form or system. However, I had to turned it down because with my limited knowledge in product design, I can only implemented my comprehension from mechanical and engineering side. This study will equip me with critical and creative thinking to compare and test methods, and to seek discoveries through the analysis and synthesis of cross-disciplinary approaches and the application of design thinking.

This program is strongly related to my previous education. I graduated with honor from University of Indonesia, majoring in Mechanical Engineering. During my Bachelor's study, I learned about mechanical design principles and material engineering that provided me with knowledge required for design practices. Outside the campus, I have completed some projects on product design that enhance my skill and awareness. Currently, I am working in Robotics Laboratory at Surya University as Mechanical Designer. This profession causing me to actively involved in research on mechanical product design and development. My main task is developing a concept for a product or a system, based on client's requirements. Our clients stretched from start-up business to national military institution. Recently, a wearable robot that I constructed, was published by national television as the first ever made in Indonesia. So it is clear that my background is well aligned with my future study.

After graduate, my goal is to be a professional in industrial design in Indonesia. Together with other fellow designers in local communities like ADPI (Indonesian Product Design Alliance) and PDF ( Product Design Focus), I want to grow the innovative and conceptual design practices. In my country, local products are being outcompeted by imported ones because the concept did not well modeled. Lack of innovation is a major problem that causing the monotonous style and plagiarism. Inadequacy of production understanding is another factor that makes them more expensive compared to imported products.

I would like to build a collaboration between governments, local designers and industrial manufacturers. With a vigorous connection between them, they can share design ideas and challenges, and realize it into with appropriate production tools. Their design will be more feasible to fabricate, even with local materials available. With my connection to several government institutions and fabrication sites, I believe this will works like a charm. I also intend to actively participate in product design event like Black Innovation Award and some design conferences to expand my networking.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For other reviewers, please feel free to give your advice and suggestion

Thank you :)
Holt [Contributor] - / 7,618 1957  
Feb 10, 2017   #9
Firman, while Ichan is right about the curtness of your opening statement, the fact is that you can just remove that line and open the paragraph with the softer sounding second sentence instead. Paragraph 2 does not relate in any way to the topics slated for discussion in the essay. The 4 main topics for presentation to the scholarship committee are detailed in the prompts for your scholarship essay. Do not include any information that is not asked for because the committee members do not have the time to sift through your work to find the information they need. The essay should not exceed 4 paragraphs, but can be 4 long, coherent and cohesive paragraph. The paragraph about studying in the United States should be moved up to to the proper position based upon the prompt requirements. However, the current presentation you have for the reason you want to study in the U.S. is weak and does not present a strong reason for your application. It would be best if you can present a desire to attend a university known for the training programs or recognition that their graduates get for their success in the field of Industrial Design. The reason you want to study in the U.S. should not be about the country or the academic position of the country. It should be about what you can gain from studying in a specific university. If you can accomplish these changes, you should find yourself closer to the final format and content of your essay. By the way, when you post the revision, post only the revised portions and not the whole essay again. It will make it easier to review and comment on your work.
OP firmanikhsan 1 / 5  
Feb 10, 2017   #10
Thank you @Holt. It is nice tho have input from different point of view.

As written in the AMINEF application form, about the second paragraph, the prompt said Give your reason for wanting to pursue them in the U.S.

The additional information I found in AMINEF website ( I am sorry for not including beforehand) is don't give a particular college or university, because AMINEF will submit this essay to several universities at once

So the reason I write, must be regarding U.S in general. Do you have any suggestions about this part? :)
Holt [Contributor] - / 7,618 1957  
Feb 10, 2017   #11
Yes, write about the universities in general. Discuss how the academic slant of the universities are impressive to you and why. You could discuss general forms of their internship programs, opportunities for research and design development as a student, or, even how universities in the United States encourage learning in a manner that is not normally done in your home country. You can still discuss the academic side of wishing to study in the US, which is the point of that prompt, without mentioning any particular university. Remember that you are pursuing an academic career in the United States, you are not going there as a potential college student or as a tourist, so your goal for there must be centered on the higher academic programs available in your field in the United States.
OP firmanikhsan 1 / 5  
Feb 12, 2017   #12
Another superb review from you @Holt, thank you very much.

This is the revision for paragraph 2

Studying Industrial Design in United States is mandatory to accomplish my future goals. According to Start College, U.S.A has top ranked Master's programs in the field of design. The learning approach is emphasized on critical thinking and open-mindedness. I will be able to grasp advanced theories and technologies through sophisticated laboratories and studios in University. With your vast resources of finest quality designers, will enrich my study insight and experience. There are also plenty of internship opportunities to forge my skills and abilities. Furthermore, I will heavily engage in international events like Red Dot Award and IDSA Conference to prepare me to become a professional industrial designer.
Holt [Contributor] - / 7,618 1957  
Feb 12, 2017   #13
Firman, it is not right to say that "studying Industrial Design in the US is mandatory." Mandatory connotes that you do not have a choice in the matter. Mandatory is defined as being "required by law or rules; compulsory." Since there is no law in your country or in the United States that requires you to study the masters course in the United States, the term mandatory is improper. This is a personal choice on your part. You choose to study in the United States when you can enroll in your home country or some other country in general. Therefore, you should tell the reviewer that, "Studying in the United States is a personal choice of mine. I felt that I had to come to the United States to study, when I could have studied in my home country, because..." then you can continue to relate the reasons why you chose to study in the United States.


Home / Scholarship / Objective Study Essay for AMINEF Fulbrigt Scholarship, Master in Industrial Design