One of my goals -- Post study career plan. Chevening

This i my last essay and this is the last day for me to submit it.
I would really appreciate you help in editing it. I am not particularly happy with the last part but my brain is not working any more ):

Chevening is looking for individuals who have a clear post-study career plan. Please outline your immediate plans upon returning home and your longer term career goals. You may wish to consider how these relate to what the UK government is doing in your country. (minimum word count: 50 words, maximum word count: 500 words)

Tajikistan is one of the poorest countries in Central Asia region with rural population measured at 74%. According to the UK Department for International Development, the education and health systems are deteriorating in Tajikistan and will not likely achieve the Sustainable Development Goal set by the UN. Committed to the SDG, the DFID investing almost £30,000,000 in various sectors promoting economic, rural development, better access to education and health sectors.

One of my goals upon returning home is to take part in promoting the SDG and contribute to making healthcare, education and environmental information more accessible in the rural areas through use of ICT where those services had largely been unavailable. The knowledge and practice gained from the course will allow me generate the necessary skills to engage in making of policies and institutional frameworks to foster productive and inclusive use of ICT to address the issues mentioned above.

As part of my immediate plans, I am planning achieve that by setting up a NGO through which we will develop projects in collaboration with government to make education more accessible via use of technology, like a mobile education centre that will travel to remote regions of the country giving access to the knowledgebase for students and teachers. Healthcare system also can benefit from such centres by allowing health professionals have remote consultations, and increase health education in the rural areas. Environmental information can be provided to people living in regions with high risk of natural disasters by installing advanced warning system and setting chain of radio communication between villages.

My company will also be providing consultancy work for other non-for profit organisations such as AKDN and UN that are focusing in sustainable development, where I believe my skills will be demanded due to lack of specialist in that area with focus on ICT.

My long term goal after practical exposure to all aspects of the subject is to apply to PhD in Sustainable Development that will be invaluable for achieving my goals to be among decision makers who are able to contribute to social-economic development and environmental sustainability.

Good plan Firuz. However, I do not see any indication as to how you plan to utilize the information that you will be receiving during your one year masters degree studies. Please make sure that your plans will relate or show a relevance to the course that you hope to be studying. That is how you will be able to develop the necessary timeline for your project and also assess the kind of higher training that you might be needing in the future. Right now, the coverage of your essay is a bit narrow and needs to be widened based upon the benefits of the masters course that you are going to be studying. Make sure that it will tie in with your future plans. Otherwise, there may some question as to how you will benefit from the studies you wish to pursue.

Hi Mary, thank you and as always happy to hear from you. Using your suggestions I added some more details, could you please check it form me.

Post study career plans usually relate to just the immediate and near future plans that you have for your career. That is because the course you are studying will only take one year to complete and as such, will not have a tremendous impact on your long term career goals. While the masters degree could be the basis of your future PhD course, it isn't totally connected to your immediate career plans. So, in my opinion, I believe that you should just lose, drop, and delete the last paragraph relating to your interest in a PhD course in the long term. I don't think that it is relevant to the immediate expectations of the prompt. I actually tried to read your essay without that paragraph included and the essay worked quite well, even without it. So I'm confident that your essay will not suffer if you try out my suggestion.