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Opinion on my personal statement for Fulbright scholarship for Governance and Public Policy program

enzyk 2 / 3  
May 1, 2016   #1
Hi guys, below is my personal statement that I've written for a Fulbright Scholarship. I welcome advice, corrections and opinions on how to make it better. I hope you'll spare some time for it and I'd truly welcome all contributions :)

I still remember at age seven, when I excitedly asked my father to enroll me at the school's swimming program. The wide smile on my face was quickly wiped off and I did not understand why I couldn't get his approval, while my brother happily enrolled the very next day. Although a minor incident, it impressed upon my young mind that as a girl, I had to live by a different set of rules. Hardly the one to back down, I now see my life as a continual struggle to stand equal to men in the patriarchal society of Pakistan. It was this passion to defy the societal expectations of submission that became the fuel to my career path in the most male dominated service of Pakistan- the Pakistan Administrative Service. My career choice has been the result of a lifelong ambition to become a shining example of leadership from the most conservative Pushtun culture and the most disadvantaged province of Pakistan. Becoming the youngest woman in the history of Balochistan to enter the most prestigious service of the country gave me the chance to mentor other young women like myself to enter public service and improve life for their own kind.

My entrance into public service further revealed to me the stereotypes associated with women. I was still a long way off from proving my ability despite being inducted through the most competitive exam of the country. I therefore, made it a priority to take up assignments that were typically considered suitable for men only. Despite initial setbacks, I persevered and established myself as an able administrator, having one of the longest tenures in the district. As Assistant Commissioner, I've rendered the most sensitive national duty as Returning Officer for the Local Bodies Elections of 2015 and have been heading the often dangerous Anti Polio Campaign in my subdivision. Furthermore, I also grasped the chance of working with the chief investment agency of the province i.e. Sindh Board of Investment and led their projects of Education City as well as the Windmill Power Project in Thatta. This endeavor gave me the chance to promote Pakistan's agricultural exports such as Mangoes as well as indigenous cottage industry products in the Middle East as well as other Asian countries. However, my desire to serve the common man at the grass root level brought me back to being Assistant Commissioner and I have held that position since 2014. It is also in this, that I found my true passion in the service, i.e. a focus on governance and public policy.

I have chosen Masters in Governance and Public Policy because it is tailored made for civil servants. At this point in my career I am implementing different policies but as I advance, I will be required to make policies for my people. My background in Masters in Economics will also complement my understanding and give me a well rounded perspective on the subject.

This degree will go a long way in making me understand the complex world of policy making with special focus on governance. More importantly, my choice of this course stems from my long held desire of being an agent of change.

I intend to go back to Balochistan to serve there as it is the most backward of all the provinces of Pakistan. Balochistan is going through very challenging times with governance being the worst sufferer of the ongoing armed insurgency. One of the primary reasons of the Baloch disillusionment is faulty policy making. Being an officer of the federation, I am in a unique position to help make policies that are not only in sync with international but also in tune with the requirements of the Baloch people. This degree will go a long way in helping me achieve these goals.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
May 2, 2016   #2
- it impressedthis was pressed upon my
- life as a continualcontinues struggle
- to defy the societalsociety's expectations
- most disadvantagedunder privileged province of Pakistan.
- and improve life for their own kindgreater good .

- service further has revealed to me
- I wasam still a long way
- off from proving my
- ability, despite being
- Furthermore, I also graspedgrabbed the chance
- the common manordinary citizen at
- thea grass root level
- It is also in this endeavor , that I

Hi Nazia, as you can see, I took the liberty to correct a few paragraphs in your essay and I hope you find it useful.

Moreover, I would like to WELCOME you to Essay Forum, I hope you find this website to be of service to you as well as

become a valuable tool to hone your talent and writing techniques.

What I notice in your essay is the lack of familiarity to words, which is absolutely acceptable as English is not your mother tongue.
Well, I know that is a good start and I can't wait to review the revision.
OP enzyk 2 / 3  
May 2, 2016   #3
@justivy03 thanks so much for taking the time to read my essay and make the corrections. I'd like your opinion about the style and content too apart from the grammar. Does it come across as a good one for a scholarship?
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
May 3, 2016   #4
Hi Nazia, thank you for appreciating our work here on EF, I was hoping to read your revised essay at this point and if it's not done yet, it's definitely fine, however, I will not be able to judge the essay as it is your final one yet.

Now, as I believe the revision will be much better, I know for a fact that you will create a stronger essay. Moreover, you already started great, therefore the revision will be a good one. To answer your concern as to if it is a good essay for a scholarship, I must say you can polish it further and put your confidence and trust in your work.

Overall, you have the pen to write and the brains to use in order to come up with great ideas and I know that you can do this, far more than you know.

Should you need further assistance, do let us know and we will be here for you.
OP enzyk 2 / 3  
May 3, 2016   #5

I have made the corrections as you suggested. There were only a few that I saw in your post and I incorporated that. I think it would be more of a waste of space here if I posted the whole thing again with just a few changes of words. However, I am more interested in making the style better and making the essay strong enough that I will be selected for this scholarship. If there's anything besides the grammatical mistakes that were pointed out, I would be greatly thankful! :)

And thank you SO much for taking the time to reply! :)

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