I would greatly appreciate any input on content in particular. Thanks!
During the Cultural Revolution of China, Mao Zedong instituted the "Down to the Countryside Movement", a policy shutting down university admissions and forcing educated youth from middle and high schools into rural peasantry. Lasting from 1962 to 1980, the movement left nearly 18 million "rusticated", poorly educated youth to be reintegrated into society. My father was one of these youth, part of a generation deprived of what we take for granted today. Upon reinstatement of university entrance exams in 1977, the young people afflicted by the terrible gap in education were given a small opportunity to resume the lives they once had. Of the 6 million test takers that year, less than 5% were awarded university admission. Selected from a competitive pool of 1000, my father won one of seven positions in a program at the Wuhan Conservatory of Music and became a part of the historical class of 1977.
It was my father's determination through hardships of his young adulthood that has afforded me opportunities unknown to my parents. Consequently, it is our generation that is able to mobilize future generations to further greatness. As a privileged member of the world, an American citizen, and a Peace Corps volunteer, I would be given the great opportunity to facilitate the change that our world's future begs of us.
Months from now, I will be equipped with a Bachelor's Degree in Mechanical Engineering, the culmination of an undergraduate college career. But behind the façade of a technical degree lies a desire to bring about social change. I believe that my degree can be applied as so much more than just an average white-collar salary. Rather than accepting into private industry, I could provide a community with knowledge or skills to propagate change within a society, an effect lasting far beyond a two-year term, possibly even far beyond my lifetime. Such an experience is both timeless and priceless, surpassing any lucrative paycheck in satisfaction.
As an individual with a flexible future, I am prepared to satisfy the ten Core Expectations, to serve a 27-month service term as a representative of the United States, and to act as a cross-cultural liaison wherever I may be placed. Of the ten expectations, I find Core Expectation 4 the most challenging, as building trust and integrating into the host community is one of the most crucial aspects of a volunteer's success. However, I believe that entering with an open mind, facilitating steady communication and paying respect to the host community's culture will lay the foundation for a close relationship between the volunteer and the host community. Only through mutual understanding can progress be made as a Peace Corps member.
In the light of the blessings and adversities which contributed to my existence today, I harbor the motivation to be a Peace Corps volunteer, to inspire opportunities of growth in societies where there would otherwise exist none.
I think you should look at each paragraph you wrote and make a list of all the ideas you share with the reader. When you list them, ask yourself what the message of the essay is. It is like finding the average of a set of numbers. Add up your ideas and get the average, the central theme of the essay.
If someone asked me what the main idea of your essay is, what would I say?
Google this: how to write a thesis statement
You are obviously a very impressive scholar, able to write very well. I just think you need to connect the paragraphs together with a central theme, expressed in a thesis statement.
:-)
