Personal statement from student addressing all of the following points in 500 words or less, with significant emphasis on the third point.
1. Explain why you wish to attend the university of Miami.
2. Describe how receiving the George W. Jenkins Scholarship could impact your life.
3. Describe any special circumstances, specifically any hardship you have overcome.
July 25th, 1999 was the day my life would change forever. That Sunday was a blur from beginning to end. I was young and I did not understand what was going on. People were coming in and out of the house. My mom and sisters were crying hysterically and for the life of me I couldn't figure out why. This was the day my father was brutally murdered in our family's pharmacy in Port-au-Prince, Haiti.
In order to have a new start, my family decided to emigrate to the U.S. to live with my grandmother in Miami, Florida. Losing my father coupled with our emigration to the United States was one of the most difficult obstacles that I had to endure.
My transition into the U.S. was difficult because I had to adjust to a new culture that was very different from what I had grown accustom to. In school, I was thrown into an alien environment, where I was judged by the stereotypes the other students placed on my culture and my country. The teaching style was so different that I could barely keep up, made far worse by the fact that I didn't speak English. I struggled a lot academically and socially. I was not able to communicate with my mother about my struggles in school because in the Haitian culture, if you have all the basic necessities such has food, a place to live, you were expected to excel. I felt alone in this environment. School became my friend and refuge. Using my father's memory as motivation, I excelled academically in school; surpassing many of my peers.
Over the past ten years, I have mastered the feat I never believed possible. I now fit in better than I ever had in Haiti, am fluent in English, and one of the top students in my class. I strive for the best, which is why I have submerged myself in the campus of the best university in the state since my junior year. I have volunteered at the UM Hospital, Just for Kicks summer camp, and the Lois Pope Life Center. I truly believe that the University of Miami will help me to pursue a career in Biomedical Engineering.
Receiving the George W. Jenkins Scholarship would impact my life more than I can describe. It will provide me with the financial assistance I desperately need to pursue my dreams. My widowed mother wants me to have the best education but the best education requires funds that she cannot provide.
Originating from Haiti, a college education is sought after from birth. This scholarship would ensure that I pursue my dream. Above all else, the best thing I would gain by receiving this scholarship is knowing that my father, wherever he is, would be so proud of me and everything that this scholarship would allow me to accomplish.
Please let me know what you think and be as critical as possible. Thanks
Your personal essay has a very strong "voice" mostly addressing the third point in the prompt (special circumstances, overcoming significant hardship.) To balance this out, what do you think about adding a few lines about
specifically why UM (the best university in the state is pretty general) and why UM will "help me to pursue a career in Biomedical Engineering?"
I bet this would make your essay even stronger. And one small correction (in red:)
I had to adjust to a new culture that was very different from what I had grown accustomed to.
