challenges faced by your community
Outline what you believe are particular challenges (e.g., in the economy, education, healthcare, or social and public policy) faced by your village and explain how achieving a Bachelor's degree will empower you to address challenges in your
I come from a cocoa farming village community with about 95 per cent of the population are illiterate and poor.The predominant occupation of the people living in this community is farming. About 95 percent of the people are illiterate. There is no school in the community and the children have to walk about 5 kilometers to attend school in the near village. So only few children are able to go to school So I want to use my education in Biochemistry to improve the life of the people. As biochemist, I will learn the practical applications of biochemical research to medicine, agriculture, plant biochemistry, protein structure and functions. I will use my biochemistry knowledge to seek research position in food and agriculture companies like Cargill Limited, Nestle Ghana Limited and Cadbury Limited and help to improve their supply chain management in chocolate production which will directly benefit cocoa farmers for better income. Education plays a paramount role in modern technological world. It is an essential tool for getting bright future as well as plays the most important role in the betterment of a country
Owusu, I don't know if it was intentional, but you repeated the same information in the first three sentences.
I suggest you to rewrite it: "There is no school in the community ..." Maybe you should try something like: "Because there is no school in the community and the nearest one is five km away, few children have access to education..."
You also repeated "biochemistry" a lot. Try to use "it", "my study field" or something like this
I understand that you want cocoa farmers to have a better income, but, because you highlighted the importance of education and the lack access to study your community has, maybe you should also suggest educational projects.
I hope you may consider my points
Ghana has a well-developed educational systems, I presume the cultural approach is somewhat reductionist with a focus on preparation for examination, and rote memorization. Ghana is a developing country which has overcome much but which still has challenges to overcome. In my estimation, these challenges require dynamic thinkers, and flexible leadership with a focus on innovation approaches to problem solving.I come from a cocoa farming village community with about 95 per cent of the population are illiterate and poor.A community which believe to be genetically predispose with poverty as result poor living conditions.The predominant occupation of the people living in this community is farming.Because there is no school in the community and the nearest one is about seven kilometers away,few children have access to education and most of the students after their graduation in high school have no ecstasy in advancing their education .So I want to use the education in my field of study to improve the life of the people. As biochemist, I will learn the practical applications of biochemical research to medicine, agriculture, plant biochemistry, protein structure and functions. I will use my biochemistry knowledge to seek research position in food and agriculture companies like Cargill Limited, Nestle Ghana Limited and Cadbury Limited and help to improve their supply chain management in chocolate production which will directly benefit cocoa farmers for better income. Degree in biochemistry at McGill University provides a large realm of possibilities for agricultural research. Explorations of pathology, genetics, chemical compounds and molecular processes allow researchers to better understand the processes that influence issues such as yield when growing crops and health when rearing livestock which will ensure commercial quantity of farm production. Education plays a paramount role in modern technological world. It is an essential tool for getting bright future as well as plays the most important role in the betterment of a country. My return will also serve the community mentorship to encourage students to pursue their academic dreams and also pressure government official and policy makers to ensure equitable distribution the nation resources by establishing proper and quality education. The Mastercard scholarship foundation will provide me with incredible opportunities to meet like-minded individuals and gain valuable experience.
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Owusu, you are trying to discuss 2 disconnected topics in this essay. I suggest that you focus only on how you can help to improve the life of people in Ghana as a Biochemist. Since you are not an education major, there is no sense in you discussing the plight of students and illiteracy in your country. Biochemistry is, from what I can tell, the main method by which you hope to help alleviate the life of farmers in your country. Therefore, the whole essay response should focus on that intention and nothing more. At this point, there is no need to address the Mastercard foundation directly in the final sentence. You have already explained how Biochemistry and your studies overseas will be able to make a difference in the life of the people in your country and, in a more direct manner, yourself. The connection of the Mastercard scholarship is already clear within the presentation you have made. It is already obvious from your presentation that education will play a vital role in the process of helping to improve the lot of Ghana as a country economically and educationally. So there is no need for separated discussion presentations of these topics. If you wish to discuss both, then you must try to merge the two topics in a manner that highlights your biochemistry education alone. The plight of the Ghanaian illiterates have no bearing on your desire for a college degree at this point. So you should not be confusing your essay with a presentation about that anymore. You are already an educated Ghanian and you are the focus of the essay, not the illiterate Ghanians.
Your essay does not provide solutions for the educational problems in your community.. How do u plan to use your degree in biochemistry to solve the educational problems in your community?.. If u find it difficult writing about that then I think u should just scrap that out and focus on the agricultural issues in your community